


Even Angels Have Their Wicked Schemes

by AnakinCaffrey



Category: White Collar
Genre: Accidental/Unplanned Pregnancy, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Birth Control, Blind Rage, Domestic Violence, Forced Sex, From Sex to Love, Ignored Safeword, Jealousy, M/M, Mpreg (male pregnancy), OOC Peter Burke, Rough Sex, Safeword Use, Sexual Tension, Sexual Violence, Tearing, Temporary/Occasional Dark Character, Unhealthy Sexual Relationship, established relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-03-10 14:31:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 73,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3293852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnakinCaffrey/pseuds/AnakinCaffrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal and Peter have a very complicated relationship that only proves to complicate itself further.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been brainstorming this idea for a while and I've finally gotten around to writing it! The only reason I've started working on it is because I made a video to inspire myself. If you're interested in watching it, it's [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NMlZRLCltI)  
> Title is from "Love the Way You Lie Part 2" by Rihanna.

The bedsprings creaked beneath their combined weight, taking the abuse that was being unleashed as equally as the participant. The bed protested even as they continued on and it wasn’t entirely consensual. Heavy breathing, excessive sweating, and the occasional moan or groan echoed in the room. They were alone and that was the frightening part.

“Please,” he begged. “Please…”

His body was being pounded into until he felt nothing but pain. He understood to an extent why this was happening to him, but he’d tried to explain and defend himself, which ultimately fell upon deaf ears. “What is it, Neal?” Peter growled at him, stilling his brutal movements for the moment.

Neal gasped in pain as he planted his feet on the mattress. He’d bent his legs and crossed them over Peter’s back for far too long, so not only was he in pain, but now he was cramping his muscles. “Peter, it hurts,” he whispered. He wouldn’t cry. He was used to this. Naturally, he always managed to fuck something up, so Peter always had a reason to be pissed at him. That was a never-ending cycle of hell for them both.

“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before allowing them to get away,” he said fiercely. “You had _one_ job, Neal. You were supposed to get eyes on the fake IDs and what did you do?”

“I asked too many questions,” he whispered as he stared into the angry eyes of his handler.

“You asked too many questions,” Peter confirmed. “He almost took a shot at you for being so careless _and_ you let him run off with the money.” He had the sudden urge to strangle Neal—as he often did nowadays. Neal acted like such an impulsive child and Peter just couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that Neal just never seemed to learn. No matter how many times Peter bit the bullet for him, Neal never failed to cause chaos and dishevel his own world. He nearly lost Elizabeth because of Neal’s impulsiveness. The treasure had nearly been their combined downfall. Elizabeth may have been killed and that was reason enough for Peter to be angry.

Their friendship and partnership took a brutal hit after that incident. Granted, Neal had managed to resolve the issue and they’d bought enough time for Jones and Diana to find Elizabeth. That didn’t mean Peter was going to let him off of the hook so easily though. And he hadn’t. In the few years following, he barely had an opportunity to forgive Neal for his wrongdoings. To this day, he still didn’t have the opportunity—or the willingness.

Peter began to thrust into Neal again, wanting to finish this before he lost his libido while talking to Neal. He panted in synchronization with Neal as they both neared their climaxes. Peter, as always, tried to make sure Neal came when he did. He reached between them and tugged on Neal’s cock until Neal gasped. Peter came when Neal’s muscles tensed around his cock. Oddly enough, coming with Neal was never nearly as satisfying as it was when he came with Elizabeth, but that was more than likely attributed to the fact that he wore condoms when he was with Neal.

Neal trembled beneath Peter, pleading with his eyes, begging for forgiveness that he knew he wouldn’t receive. “Peter, I’m sorry. I told you I’ll help you find Jensen and the money.”

Peter backhanded him, watching the shock spread across the younger man’s face. “I could lose my job because of you, God damn it. You need to learn self-restraint.”

“The same could be said about you, Agent Burke,” he murmured as he lifted his left hand to rub over his throbbing cheek. “Whenever anything goes wrong, I’m always the first person you blame. For once, why can’t I be innocent? You lawmen always proclaim innocence until proven guilty, yet I haven’t seen you show mercy towards me once in—”

The older man was tempted to hit Neal again for being so ungrateful. “I haven’t shown you _mercy?_ ” he hissed incredulously. “Your ass would be in an orange jumpsuit behind bars if I didn’t show you mercy,” he snapped. “I have covered for your ass since day one, Neal, and what have I gotten in return? Reprimands, threats, and suspensions—that’s what I’ve gotten.” Neal was speechless in that moment because he didn’t know what else to say to Peter. He wasn’t even referring to any of the instances Peter had in mind. Peter, to an extent, had always proven trustworthy. Neal knew Peter had his back, but that knowledge seemed to be fading very quickly as of late. “What? Cat got your tongue?”

“I want you to leave.”

“ _What?_ ”

“I want you to leave,” Neal repeated firmly. “I’m sick of being your punching bag. I’m sick of being your fuckbuddy.” His chest heaved as he tried to shove his pain aside. Peter was an unwanted pressure inside of him that he’d love to rid himself of. “This friends with benefits thing is lacking in the ‘friends’ department and I no longer wish to be part of this bullshit affair you’re having.”

Peter stared at him, taken aback by his attitude. “Are you saying we’re no longer friends?”

Neal shoved Peter off and his breath hitched as Peter’s cock finally left his body. “I’m fairly certain that’s what you’ve implied,” he muttered as he rolled over and threw his legs over the side of the bed, sliding off to get into a standing position. “You hardly talk to me unless you’re reprimanding me or threatening me with the idea of going back into my prison cell. Hell, you still don’t _talk_ to me even when we’re fucking.”

The FBI agent sat up on the bed, staring at his consultant brokenly. “You know I care about you, Neal,” he whispered. “You just really piss me off sometimes. I’m waiting for the day when you’ll see how childish you are. I’m eager to see you finally grow up, Peter Pan.”

“Get out,” Neal snapped. He grabbed his robe from a chair in the living space and pulled it on, heading over to the door. He stood beside it with his hand on the handle. When Peter didn’t make any move to leave, Neal sighed in frustration. “What the hell do you want with me, Peter? All I am is the damning proof that you can’t fix what’s been broken.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Neal shook his head. “It means: your clothes are on the floor, so pick them up, dress yourself, and go home to your wife, damn it.”

Peter stared at him—eventually developing into a glare. He did get off of the bed to remove and dispose of the condom, dress himself, and then he moved briskly towards Neal, standing directly in front of him. “I care about you as much as I care about Elizabeth, Neal, so don’t make it sound like I’m not reciprocating your feelings.”

“Feelings?” he asked, laughing. “Peter, you’re the one who initiated this. You’re the one who suggested that sex might help our partnership because you thought you could tame me and this proves how wrong you were.” He could see the anger flaring in Peter’s eyes and he refused to let it terrify him. Peter wouldn’t rough him up to the point where Neal would be asked questions, so Neal didn’t worry. So what if Peter hit him every now and then? They were both men and he could handle the pain. He had to live with that pain every single time Peter looked at him anyway, so he may as well deal with it in his bed as well. “The side you’ve ordered is subpar and I apologize,” he said sarcastically. “Go home to your entrée. Enjoy that and revel in what I can’t and won’t have.”

They stood face to face, glaring daggers at each other, for only God knows how long before Peter heaved a heavy sigh of frustration, shaking his head. “You’re impossible,” he whispered. He lifted his left hand and attempted to caress the side of Neal’s face as he leaned in for a kiss, but Neal waved his hand off, turning his face away from Peter. “Neal, you’re not a side dish.”

“Go home, Peter,” he said quietly. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow. I’d prefer it if you left now—and stayed away from me at night.” He met Peter’s eyes directly, seeing the mix of pain and anger swirling around in Peter’s chocolate eyes. “I don’t want a kiss good night. Just go and stay away from me.”

“You’re my consultant,” Peter stated firmly.

“Consultant and fuckboy isn’t the same thing,” Neal snapped at him. “Consultant implies that you come to me when you need another opinion or some offhand advice from someone who isn’t directly involved in a situation,” he whispered. “Nowhere in that job description does it say I have to endure painful sex with my handler.” Peter opened his mouth to speak and Neal pulled the door open. “Go home. Elizabeth is waiting for you.”

He couldn’t meet Peter’s eyes as Peter lingered in the doorway. He cared very deeply about his handler who had become his best friend, but he was tired of their relationship and its moments of darkness that were becoming all too frequent. There were moments when he loved the darkness in Peter, but he seemed to be overstepping his boundaries lately and Neal didn’t want to be on the receiving end of Peter’s rage. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Peter said quietly, staring at Neal’s face. He could see the bruise blossoming on Neal’s cheekbone and it hurt his heart. He hadn’t meant to hit Neal, but he couldn’t control his fury around someone so damned infuriating. “Good night,” he added, trying to ease their tension.

“Go,” Neal whispered. “Just…go.”

After a few long, silent moments, Peter finally left. He knew Neal didn’t want him around and he knew Neal was adamant in his decision even if Peter tried to dissuade that decision. Neal felt so much more comfortable and relaxed after Peter left his apartment. The darkness that had been suffocating him vanished with Peter every night that Peter walked away from him. It was the most rejuvenating feeling he’s had lately.

He locked his door and returned to his bed, sitting on the edge of it miserably. He’d loved Peter the moment he’d intrigued the FBI agent. All those years playing cat and mouse had only served to strengthen Neal’s interest in the agent who chased him incessantly. The game they played was enjoyable. Teasing Peter with international phone calls and the occasional birthday gift had been fun and he’d had the time of his life. Messing with a Fed was his idea of fun and Peter played right into his hand. In recent years, their roles seemed to reverse.

Neal hated to admit it, but he’d fallen in love with Peter. In their first few moments together when Peter found him after he’d broken out of prison, he’d fallen for the man who would arrest him again. He tried to make it seem like his entire existence was meant to chase after Kate, but she was the furthest thing from his mind when it came to Peter. Peter challenged him. He may not appreciate the classics the same way Neal and Kate do, but he challenged Neal and Neal liked the challenge. He liked feeling like he’d met his match and he had met his match in Peter.

Allowing himself to form this instance of Stockholm syndrome disgusted him. Mozzie teasingly accused him of having Stockholm syndrome on various occasions and he never realized how right he was. Neal wanted Peter to capture him if he ran. It was fun. It was exhilarating…

So why did it hurt so much? Why did loving someone who challenged him, made him feel alive and active, cause him pain? The game they played was something he strived to keep enacted, but Peter seemed like a changed man. Neal thought things may get a little more interesting once he and Agent Peter Burke joined forces. To start off, it had been interesting. Seeing the way operations were run on the opposite side piqued his interest on many occasions and the clashing of their intelligence was even more interesting. He had a brilliant adversary in Peter Burke as well as an exceptional partner.

Lying down on his back, he closed his eyes. Being with Peter wasn’t healthy sometimes and he wished he could talk to someone about it just to have insight from someone outside of the direct influence. He’d promised Peter from the beginning of this affair that he wouldn’t breathe a word about their relationship to anyone and he’d kept up his end of the deal for once, which surprised Peter. As much as Peter infuriated him in return, he didn’t want to ruin Peter’s career or Peter’s marriage. Those were two very important pieces of Peter’s life and Neal didn’t think he was cruel or bitter enough to resort to destroying those pieces.

When Peter couldn’t trust him, he hoped that his solid promise to keep their affair secret would right his wrongs. That was something else he realized was wrong. If anything, Peter was considerably volatile and took a great offense to Neal’s impulsive nature as well as his defiance. Even if Neal hadn’t purposely allowed their mark to escape, Peter seemed to blame him. It made no sense to Neal, but he shrugged it off. He was strong enough to endure the abuse. Hell, he didn’t even consider it abuse because he enjoyed it from time to time. There were only particular instances in which it would definitely be classified as abuse.

Other than those few situations, he didn’t care. Things were always so much better when Peter appreciated him and his body, but Peter tended to ravage him and brutalize something he’d found intimate to begin with. He had his moments where he wished he had the balls to waltz up to the Burke house and admit to Elizabeth that he was sleeping with her husband just to cause chaos in Peter’s life, but he took a step back and reflected on how chaotic he’d already made Peter’s life—and how he feels about Peter.

He’d complicated Peter’s life in so many ways over the years… It was a wonder how Elizabeth didn’t see what was going on between them. This _bromance_ was more of a _romance,_ but with a hint of tragedy. There was no way in hell his relationship with Peter would survive. Assuming he ever completed his sentence and probation with the FBI, he would become a free man and Peter wouldn’t be able to stop him from fleeing the country the second he was granted that freedom.

France—that was where he wanted to run to. There was no doubt in his mind that Peter would figure that out, but he knew Peter too well by this point. Peter wouldn’t abandon his wife of over a decade. Peter and Elizabeth were an unstoppable force of nature that kept crushing other relationships beneath it. He couldn’t think of another relationship that even remotely compared to what Peter and Elizabeth had and he was able to admit that he and Peter would never have that relationship. There was too much mistrust between them—among other things. Their relationship was the epitome of complicated and he felt like it may be time to cut his ties to Peter. He would serve his sentence until it was completed, but he didn’t think he could do that if he and Peter were sleeping together on the side.

That was simply a recipe for disaster. Elizabeth would be heartbroken if she ever found out that her husband was unfaithful. Neal pitied her and she tempted him continuously to tell the truth, which was a rather strange impulse considering his career as a con artist. He could never lie to Peter directly and that extended to Elizabeth. Before he and Peter had gotten involved, they were both family to him and he valued _that_ relationship because he had no family to call his own.

The children he dreamt he’d have with Kate and Sara had vanished from his thoughts once he realized how hopeless his romances were. Kate was killed because of him and Sara left him for a new job that was well beyond his two mile radius. He had no siblings as far as he knew, his father had betrayed him, and he and his mother were estranged. After Ellen had been murdered and his father’s betrayal, he had no desire to reform his strenuous family ties. He had no reason to contact any of his actual family and he hadn’t ‘settled’ for Peter and Elizabeth because they were conveniently there within his radius.

He’d once told Peter that family didn’t show up on your doorstep after thirty years and he’d continued on to say that family were the ones who were always there. He’d meant that and still meant that despite his issues with Peter. Over time, he felt confident that they could restore their friendship. Their relationship was in ruins as far as he was concerned and he was to the point where he had no desire to repair that either.

Things with Peter needed to end—soon. Peter didn’t trust him even when he was honest and upfront with the older man, so he never felt like he was on equal ground with him. Until he was freed of his anklet and radius, he would never feel like Peter’s equal. Even then, he wouldn’t hesitate to leave Peter once he’d been granted his freedom. Peter was happy with Elizabeth and he told Neal repeatedly that Neal made his life hell—more or less. What incentive did Neal have to stick around? He wasn’t heartless enough to _want_ to ruin the Burkes just so he could have Peter all to himself. He wasn’t that selfish either. He respects Elizabeth and he loves Peter—and Peter loves Elizabeth.

In his case, that was a lose-lose situation. He never wanted to hurt Elizabeth and he refused to destroy their marriage. Peter and Elizabeth were perfect together and they inspired Neal’s many failed relationships. He’d whored himself a lot more than Peter realized and that was his way of coping with his inability to accept that Peter would never belong to him—or vice versa.

He also knew that Peter would leave him in disgust and quite possibly throw him back into prison the moment Neal admitted to the one thing he’d managed to keep secret all this time. His condition would do no good for him or Peter—or any of his future relationships for that matter. He didn’t want to fuck up and trap Peter, let alone anyone else he slept with. If he did that, he didn’t know how he would live with himself. He’d been careful and took as many precautions as he could before getting too involved with Peter, but there was always that slight chance that things would go wrong despite his best efforts. That was how things tended to go when it came to him and Peter regardless. He didn’t want to make Peter’s life worse, so he decided that he’d just slowly walk away from Peter, distancing himself from the intimacy he’d told himself was real love.

It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. Peter, as a married man, was devoted to his wife. He’d been married to her for well over a decade and he’d chased Neal for only a few years shy of said decade. Neal had compromised their marriage once or twice before without realizing it, but he was intent on making sure he didn’t intentionally compromise them. They didn’t deserve that and he didn’t want to put a wedge between them.

If he’d been careless, his condition may have created that wedge between the Burkes—and himself and Peter as well. He figured it was better if he distanced himself from Peter because he didn’t want to end up in that very situation he sought to prevent. He could easily go back and blame his upbringing, his heritage, whatever he wanted to blame and rationalize that this was something normal that he was living with, but he’d lied to himself for eighteen years.

He knew before his eighteenth birthday and he’d been traumatized by the confirmation that he hoped he’d never have to hear. Running away from his family destroyed his support system, so he was doing his best to keep to himself. Creating and recreating identities, running to and fro, and misleading government officials was a game that hid his insecurities, his fears, and his knowledge of how tragically unnatural he was.

Despite being aware of this, he knew it wasn’t something he could just wish away. He’d sought professional help early into his twenties and he’d been given several alternatives. None of them solved the problem once and for all, but he’d been told that his condition would be controlled as long as he kept up on his medications. Those medications began when he was twenty-two and he’d only acquired more medications over the years that didn’t have to do with his condition at all.

His condition was the cause of his other ‘illnesses.’ He was clinically depressed and was taking anti-anxiety medication alongside what would help him control his condition. He hated thinking about it clinically and the doctor informed him back then that denying his situation would only make it harder for him to live with. He could accept that he was taking medication necessary to prevent future problems, but he just couldn’t come to terms with what’d been done to him.

Hence, the conman in him was born and his trademark smile became his mask.

•◊•

Peter kept his eye on the bullpen all through the morning up until noon. He’d tried to speak to Neal, but Neal wasn’t interested in conversation. He was upset—understandably so. Peter knew he’d fucked up royally.

Even offering him a mug of coffee hadn’t been enough of an olive branch between them. Peter understood that Neal had his sensitive moments, but Neal usually got over it quickly. Why this was bothering Neal now, Peter didn’t know. It wasn’t like last night was their first time together nor was it their first instance of angry sex. He desperately wanted to get Neal alone because he knew everything that happened last night was so unlike them. Hitting Neal had probably been part of the decline, but it was incredibly easy to be pissed at Neal sometimes.

After spending so much time considering and reconsidering speaking to Neal, he finally got up and took the initiative. If Neal wouldn’t talk to him, then he would talk to Neal. He wondered if he and Neal would be all right in the end. They usually were, but Peter realized he wasn’t supposed to _hurt_ Neal. He’d taken Neal on as a lover—not a side dish like Neal had suggested the night before. Walking through the bullpen felt like moving in slow motion with his goal directly in his line of sight, but just out of reach.

He stopped in front of Neal’s desk and watched painfully as Neal refused to meet his gaze. The frustration on Neal’s face was evident, but he still wouldn’t look up from what he was doing. Peter felt like an asshole for treating Neal the way he’d treated him last night. Neal, for as aggravating, childish, and impulsive as he is, is a good man. He never went out of his way to hurt someone and he tried his best to protect others from harm if he had the power to do so. Neal would have been a fine police officer or FBI agent in Peter’s opinion, but he knew that train had long since passed Neal by.

There had to be some legitimate reason to speak to Neal and actually be given conversation in return. Thinking quickly, he realized it was about quarter after noon. “Will you go to lunch with me?”

For the first time since Peter had stopped in front of Neal’s desk, Neal finally looked up. He raised an eyebrow and asked, “Shouldn’t you be asking your wife that same question?” Peter didn’t say anything in response to that because he didn’t understand Neal’s jealousy. It flattered him, but he didn’t understand because Neal told him from the start that their relationship would strictly be physical. Neither of them wanted to put their emotions into their relationship at first and they seemed to have failed. “Asking your whore out to lunch doesn’t sound entirely ideal to me. If I were you, I’d ask my loving, committed wife to go out with me.”

Peter balled his right hand into a fist, clenching his jaw for a moment. “You are _so_ much more than that to me,” he said adamantly.

Neal scoffed, shaking his head. He returned his focus to his computer screen and muttered, “Could’ve fooled me.”

Peter wasn’t intentionally trying to be a dick towards Neal, but he felt like it was entirely necessary to find a secluded area where they could be completely alone. They needed to sort this out before things got out of hand and their partnership crumbled. He didn’t want Neal to go back to prison for being uncooperative or for being unable to close as many cases as they usually did. He knew he’d been a bit rough last night—physically and verbally—and he recognized that when he’d tried to apologize to Neal earlier that morning. Neal just wouldn’t listen and that pissed him off. “Go to lunch with me,” he said, his voice deepening with authority.

“Is that an order?” Neal asked, challenging him.

“ _Yes._ ” The way Neal bristled at that made Peter wish he wasn’t being so…not-himself. He wasn’t usually demanding that Neal do something when Neal wasn’t in a very good mood.

They stared at each other levelly before Neal finally rose from his seat and pulled his suit jacket on and briskly walked to the elevator with Peter hot on his heels. They waited for the elevator car to come up to their floor and Peter rested his hand on Neal’s lower back when it finally came and the doors parted. He thought the gesture was innocent as he let Neal into the elevator car first, but that only seemed to piss Neal off. “Keep your hands to yourself,” Neal hissed, putting plenty of space between the two of them.

Peter frowned as the doors slid to a close. Neal wouldn’t look at him and Peter wished he would. “Neal, I’m sorry,” he said softly. “What I did and said last night—”

“—happened,” Neal interjected before Peter could finish his apology. “It’s done and over with—and that’s the end of that conversation as well.”

The older man stared at his partner of several years incredulously. He couldn’t believe that Neal was pushing him away. Yes, he hadn’t been very pleasant last night, but that wasn’t the first time they’d been rough. Peter’s done worse at Neal’s request, so it made no sense to him. “Are you really interested in ending what we have together?” he asked sorrowfully.

Neal turned to face him, but he didn’t have the opportunity to answer. As he’d opened his mouth, the elevator came to a halt on the twelfth floor. The doors slid open and a group of people piled in, forcing Neal to draw closer to Peter. In that moment, Peter considered taking advantage of their closeness. He wanted to hold Neal’s hand, comfort him in one of the smaller ways that he could manage, but he shot that idea down before he’d gone through with it because Neal was already pissed off and he was trying to fix the situation with Neal, not worsen it.

For nine floors, Neal and Peter were tense against each other. As soon as they reached three, the entire group vanished, leaving Neal and Peter alone once again. “Yes,” Neal said firmly as he put space between them, standing on the other side of the elevator car. “You have Elizabeth. Why settle for a whore when you’re a happily married man?”

“You’re more than a whore to me, Neal. You’re my _partner._ ”

“I’m just an asset to the FBI that you don’t want to lose,” he said, waving off Peter’s declaration. “You could honestly care less about _me._ ”

The elevator door opened on the first floor and Peter stepped out first, waiting as Neal came out after him. He silently fumed as he led Neal outside and he pulled Neal into the FBI building’s blind spot the moment they were outside and out of the public’s view. Neal tried to brush him off and Peter kept a firm grip on his arm, tugging him closer. “You’re not ‘ _just an asset_ ’to me, Neal,” he hissed, glancing around nervously to make sure no one overheard them. The last thing he needed on top of this static between them was for someone to discover their forbidden relationship. He could go to prison for starting something with Neal and Neal would probably be released on the basis that he may have been arrested falsely by Peter because of Peter’s feelings. They both knew they were taking quite the risk, but they risked it anyway. “I _do_ care about you and I’m sorry for making you feel insignificant.”

Neal was done with this conversation. He was tired of beating a dead horse. This thing with Peter couldn’t persist. “I don’t want to hear it,” he snapped quietly. “Stop fucking with me, Peter. You have a _wife._ ” Peter stared at him solemnly, wishing Neal would stop acting like he meant nothing to Peter because of Elizabeth. He had a heart big enough to love them both—equally. They’d been together for quite some time, so he didn’t understand why Neal was having such a sudden change of heart. “You’ve had a wife for more than a decade. Are you really willing to throw your marriage away for a convicted felon?”

Peter stared at him and whispered, “I want a husband,” when Neal finally managed to pull away. The younger man froze, staring at his handler and best friend. He was in absolute shock because he never thought he’d hear Peter say those words. “It’s been legalized for a couple years now,” he insisted softly. “We _could_ get married.”

As much as Neal would have loved to throw himself into that fantasy, he knew he had to face reality. He had to come to terms with the fact that this was all just an illusion. “Elizabeth,” he said quietly. “You’re not going to leave her for _me._ I don’t care how badly you think you want to be with me, I refuse to come between you two.” He inhaled sharply, hating the pained expression on Peter’s face. Exhaling, he whispered, “In some ludicrous alternate reality, we _could_ get married someday. Peter, we both need to face the reality of the whole situation. You knew this was doomed from the start. What you and I have is unnatural.” Peter’s brows furrowed as he felt as though his heart was being stabbed repeatedly. “You married Elizabeth—a beautiful, brilliant woman who is worth so much, who loves you so much.” He looked down at his feet and sighed heavily, closing his eyes. “I’m just Neal—your whore.”

“Neal, I love—”

“No,” Neal interjected. “Don’t you dare say _that._ Just don’t.” Peter stared at him in disbelief, his face heating up. He hadn’t even admitted to himself that he was in love with Neal and Neal rejected him before he’d even completed his sentence. “This isn’t love,” Neal insisted. “This is a sexual relationship—that’s it.”

Peter nodded silently, frowning as Neal insisted that they get lunch so they could get back to work quickly, which translated into Neal wanting to go home early so he wouldn’t have to deal with Peter. Before he began to follow his partner, he whispered, “But I do love you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter attempt to reconcile.

Elizabeth watched her husband as they ate their dinner. This was the first time in at least a week that Peter hadn’t been caught up in a late night stakeout. Unbeknownst to her, those stakeouts were focused on Neal. She had no idea why he was acting so down as of late. He’d been happy until Monday night and she didn’t understand. She thought something may have happened at work, but he was very cryptic in saying, “Something like that.” He wouldn’t expand on that and she was trying to figure it out for herself because whatever it was kept bothering her husband.

“Honey,” she said exasperatedly, staring at him sadly while he messed with the food he didn’t seem to be hungry for. He finally met her gaze, looking as confused and concerned as ever. “Peter, what’s got you so absorbed in your own little world?” He pursed his lips and lowered his gaze to the plate in front of him, frowning. “Hon.” She reached across the table and rested her hand atop his, squeezing his fingers gently. “What is it, hon?”

He sighed heavily, shaking his head. “It’s just…me and Neal—as usual.” She nodded, hoping that he could elaborate on the subject. She knew her husband and Neal had a very strenuous relationship that kept shifting. The trust between them was tenuous at times. “El, I don’t really want to talk about it. He and I just…aren’t working well together.”

She nodded again. “What do you think is causing the rift between you two? You usually work well when Neal isn’t complicating your life.” She grinned at him teasingly and that only seemed to darken his already bleak mood. Upon realizing that her little joke hadn’t had the desired effect, she bit her lip and quieted down.

Peter, in his thoughts, told himself he was an asshole. He always told Neal that Neal complicated his life. It was no wonder Neal didn’t want to be with him anymore. Throughout this entire week, he had no idea how he’d survived without Neal. He loved crawling into bed with Neal even if he had to leave the younger man a couple hours later to go home to his own bed with his wife. Watching Neal work and brainstorm all week was the one thing Peter had enjoyed because Neal hadn’t smiled at him once, hadn’t even attempted to make friendly conversation once. “For once, I think I’m the one who complicated things.”

Elizabeth kept her eyes on Peter, trying to figure out what might be the problem. Peter and Neal argued often, but she knew Neal didn’t or wouldn’t hold grudges against Peter, so this was very strange behavior on his part. “Maybe you should just drop by and see how he’s doing—talk to him a little.” She offered him a small smile when he looked at her again. “He’ll talk to you, sweetheart.”

“I honestly don’t think he will. He wouldn’t talk to me—as just us—all week long. Work was all we discussed.” He sighed heavily, resting his elbow on the table, palming his forehead. “I don’t know what to do sometimes, El. He’s my…” He trailed off, wishing he could say that Neal was his lover. That wouldn’t be entirely wise to say to his wife. “…best friend.”

She smiled softly at him. “Honey, I know he’s your best friend. You two are very close and I know he means a lot to you.” She seemed to consider that for a moment and Peter tensed, thinking she’d finally caught on. He didn’t want her to know he’d been sleeping with Neal. “He means a lot to us both,” she added. Part of him wondered if she was thinking along the same lines he was. He himself wasn’t interested in sharing Neal—even if his wife loved Neal as much as he loves Neal. He shuddered internally at the idea of having a threesome with his wife and lover. He liked keeping them separate, enjoying them both exclusively and intently. “Go, honey. I can see that you really need to talk to him. I know how you are when issues go unresolved,” she said softly.

Peter nearly leapt out of his seat to charge the door, but he refrained from doing that. He wanted to see Neal very, very badly, but it wouldn’t have been appropriate to do that right then. Instead, he shook his head. “We’re both adults. If he doesn’t want to talk, then he doesn’t want to talk. He’s not my child, so I can’t plead with him to speak to me.”

“Honey,” she said quietly, rubbing his knuckles. “You know Neal will eventually get over whatever’s bothering him.” He disagreed wholeheartedly. If she had any idea… Hell, if he put her through what he’s put Neal through, she’d probably want to walk away from him for a little while as well. This wasn’t some small argument between them. To Neal, this was big. Because it was big to Neal, it was equally important in Peter’s mind. He wanted to make Neal happy and he was doing the exact opposite of what he’d intended. “Go talk to him and clear things up. You guys will be fine in no time.”

“He won’t talk to me,” Peter insisted. “I don’t know why I should waste my time driving all the way across Manhattan to see him just to have him slam the door in my face.”

“Has Neal ever done that to you?” she asked him gently. He frowned again and shook his head. “Neal won’t shut you out forever. If you try to sort this out with him, it may be easier for you both to overcome.” She patted his arm, giggling as she said, “He’s like your work-wife. You two can get through this little hurdle together, honey.”

Peter bristled a bit at that. He’d interpreted her joke wrongly and believed she was suggesting that Neal was more feminine than he was masculine. He hated that because, yes, Neal had feministic looks about him, but he _is_ a male. He didn’t want anyone to ever speak to or about Neal in his presence with even the slightest hint that Neal is the ‘woman’ in their affair. Neal was nothing of the sort and Peter treated him like a man because that was the only way he could really make Neal feel equal to him. “I still think it’s a bad idea—going over there. He’ll probably be even angrier when he sees me. I wouldn’t doubt that he’s angry right now even though I’m not there.” He sighed and shook his head. “No. I’m not going to see him right now. He’s a thorn in my side that I’ll eventually dispose of,” he said bitterly. He didn’t mean any of that, but he felt it. He truly loves Neal and Neal abandoned him the moment he admitted that to himself. If Neal didn’t want to see him, that obviously meant Neal didn’t reciprocate his feelings and he wasn’t going to force Neal to love him. He’d forced sex on Neal a couple times, but he’d never force him to pretend he was in love when he’s really not.

She decided to sigh then. “I’m not letting you make love to me until you _try_ to make amends with him,” she declared. He stared at her, stunned. “He’s your best friend, Peter. You may even consider him a brother.” He shuddered, damning her silently for making yet another wrong assumption. If he considered Neal his brother, he told himself he was more of an asshole than he had been. Though they’re not related by blood, he would have considered that incest. “Go, honey. It’s been a few days. Maybe he’s over it.”

He highly doubted that even as he backed his chair up and slid out of it. He leaned over and kissed her lips and then her forehead. “I’ll be back soon,” he whispered. “I love you, El.”

“I love you, too,” she said softly. “If it takes all night to work this out, so be it. Just shoot me a text to let me know.”

For once, he was grateful for her insistence. He’d pulled an all-nighter with Neal a few times, but those had actually been nights where all they did was talk. It was well before they started up their sexual relationship. He never stayed overnight with Neal anymore because he didn’t want El to get suspicious and come over to find him in bed with his _mister._

•◊•

Neal was sitting on his bed, wishing he could just make a quick phone call to tell Peter he loves him, too. It’s been bothering him since Peter attempted to say it and he cut Peter off. He didn’t want Peter to say it unless he could say it back to Peter. At the time, he was still pissed off with Peter, so he didn’t want to admit that he loves the FBI agent.

Sighing, he slid off of his bed and crossed the living area, turning on the one song he needed to listen to right now. The very first time he and Peter made love, they’d had music randomly turn on. It startled them both, but they had deemed that particular song _their_ song. Since then, he’d downloaded it and played it when he hadn’t seen Peter for a while. _With or Without You_ by U2 meant a lot to him because it reminded him that he and Peter did have good memories together. Their entire relationship wasn’t _horrible,_ but it was time that he let Peter go. Elizabeth would hate him if he took Peter from her, so he decided to avoid Peter entirely.

He listened to the instrumental bit leading up to the lyrics, smiling faintly as he remembered how beautiful that night had been with Peter. He’d never been with a man sexually before Peter and Peter took care of him. There had only been a little pain, but he’d endured it and Peter made it bearable. “See the stone set in your eyes,” he sang quietly. “See the thorn twist in your side.” Those lines hurt now that he gave it some thought. Peter was always angry, always telling him that he was a fuckup. He’d just begun to accept and expect Peter’s mood and cruel words. “I’ll _wait_ for you…”

He startled when his door abruptly opened. Granted, it hadn’t swung open, but it still startled him. He wasn’t expecting company and he honestly wasn’t dressed appropriately to accommodate guests. He was in his loose sleep pants and shirtless. Peter stared at the radio brokenly before meeting Neal’s eyes. “You’re playing our song,” he whispered.

“Don’t read into it,” he said, sounding flustered. He almost shut the radio off, but Peter took his hand and held it gently. “Peter, I’m really not interested right now. I didn’t want to talk earlier and I don’t want to talk now.”

Peter nodded. “Then you can sit down and be silent,” he whispered. “I want to talk to you.” They stared at each other levelly for a short time before Neal shook his head, shutting the door. He gestured towards the table and Peter took a seat across from Neal’s usual spot. He waited until Neal shut the radio off and was sitting, looking directly at him, before speaking. “I’m sorry for Monday night, Neal.” He paused, lowering his eyes to the tabletop for a moment. “I’m sorry for a lot of those nights when I hurt your feelings even if I didn’t realize it or if you didn’t say anything.”

“I’m not fragile,” Neal said firmly.

“I didn’t say you were.” Neal glared for a moment before nodding. “I’m sorry for constantly berating you. You don’t deserve that.” Neal shrugged, sitting back with his arms over his chest. “I mean that. I criticize you all the time and complain about how ‘complicated’ you make my life.” He shook his head, staring directly into Peter’s eyes. “You tend to do impulsive things, but you are far from being the worst thing in my life.”

Neal frowned. “Do you realize that this has nothing to do with your need to put me down whenever you have the chance?” Peter was puzzled now. If it wasn’t that, then what the hell was it? God. Neal was worse than El was with this. “I’m tired of being your boy on the side,” he whispered. “I don’t want to keep taking you from your wife who always makes you happy. She’s able to do everything that I can’t.” He bowed his head, sighing again. “I can’t do anything for you, Peter. We’re together for mutual sexual purposes and we both agreed that this wouldn’t become anything more than that.”

“Do you feel more than that?”

Neal hesitated before nodding slowly. “I feel a lot for you, but I don’t want this back and forth thing. I don’t want to have you in bed with me a couple times a week when you can sneak away from home for a little while.” He rested his hands on the table, feeling guilty for admitting this to Peter. He wanted to push Peter away and now he was reeling him in with this discussion. “You told me you want a husband,” he began quietly. “You’re not the type of guy one would take for a polygamist, Peter. I want…a husband, too, but I can’t have you.”

“Why can’t you have me?”

“Seriously?” Neal asked incredulously. “Look at your left hand, Peter, and tell me what you see.” Peter frowned, swallowing hard. The wedding ring on his finger suddenly felt like it weighed a ton. “ _That_ is why I can’t have you. You committed yourself to Elizabeth before you met me, Peter. I’m not going to let you throw away your marriage for me. I’m not worth that.”

Peter could see how much it hurt Neal to say all of this. He couldn’t imagine how much pain he was actually going through though. “I’m going to make you my husband,” he insisted.

Neal’s eyes flickered up to meet Peter’s eyes. “You and I both know bigamy is illegal in every state,” he said firmly. “How the hell can you do this to your wife? Nothing about me is worth losing her. She’s your wife—your soulmate. I—”

“I love you,” Peter whispered, silencing Neal with those three words. “I can love you both at the same time. With what we have together, do we really need a wedding? Do we need to legally bind ourselves together? We _know_ how deeply we feel about each other.”

“Peter, you’re insane,” Neal whispered. He pushed his chair back and walked over to his bedroom, opening up a drawer he kept little things Peter gave him over the years. For their third year together, Peter had gotten Neal a ring that meant something equivalent to a promise ring and Neal had never worn it because he knew better than to actually believe Peter wanted him forever. He pulled the silver ring out of the drawer and turned around, startling when he realized Peter was right behind him. “I don’t want this and I can’t keep it,” he said brokenly as he tried to take Peter’s hand so he could place the ring in Peter’s palm.

The older man stilled Neal’s hands, staring at him. “You can’t honestly tell me you don’t want to be with me,” he insisted.

“I _do_ want to be with you!” he hissed. “Peter, it isn’t that simple. You’re a married man. I’m not an asshole and I’m not going to ruin your marriage.”

Peter took the ring from Neal and slid it onto Neal’s left hand as he would slide an engagement ring onto that finger. This wasn’t an engagement, but he wanted Neal and this was one way he could prove that. He gave Neal that promise ring because he wanted to be with him desperately. “If this is as close to a marriage as we can have, then so be it,” he said softly.

Neal was speechless. He didn’t really believe that Peter would throw his marriage away. There was no way in hell he’d leave someone as beautiful, wise, and amazing as Elizabeth. He’s a convicted felon and Peter is the lawman who arrested him. They had the most confusing relationship he’d ever experienced firsthand. After several years together, he still couldn’t understand how this whole thing worked out in Peter’s mind.

Regardless of Peter’s marriage being problematic, he still loved the man. His eyes watered as he stared down at his left hand. He wanted to treat it like a wedding ring, but, as per usual, reality was beating his fantasy. “Peter…” The way the ring felt on his finger was sensational. Peter had gotten the size one hundred percent _correct._ It wasn’t too loose or too tight. It was perfect and that surprised the hell out of him.

“I know,” Peter said sadly. “I wish I could marry you, Neal. If I’d met you first…”

Neal stared at him as he felt himself tearing up. Peter never said that to him before. “Maybe,” he whispered. Peter nodded, echoing that single word. “I…love you. I love you, Peter.” He’d been hesitant to admit it, but he figured he may as well come right out and say it. Peter was being honest and upfront with him for once, so he felt like Peter deserved the same. “I…still feel like we should stop this. We’re in control and everything can be just fine if we end things now.”

Peter shook his head. “I don’t want to end this with you. I know you’re hellbent on getting away from me and I can’t blame you. I’ve realized how much of an asshole I was—still am.”

The younger man sighed, closing the distance between them. He gave Peter a solid hug. There was no backslapping. They simply held each other close. “You’re not a bad man,” Neal told him quietly. He closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of the older man. Peter had such a manly scent on him and Neal didn’t understand why that always seemed to get him going.

Peter’s hands slid down to rest on Neal’s lower back and his chin rested on Neal’s shoulder. “I may not say it often, but I do care about you and I love you. We’ve been together long enough. The sex we have together is…very hot, but I feel like it can become something very special.”

Neal’s breath hitched and he shivered against Peter. After denying Peter’s advancements for an entire week, he _needed_ Peter. He damned himself for that need, but Peter was here. Peter always managed to catch on very quickly, too. He pulled back just enough to look at Neal’s face for a moment before leaning forward to kiss his lover passionately. Neal rested his hands on Peter’s shoulders, holding onto him. His feet automatically backed up as Peter moved him until his knees hit the side of the bed and he flopped down onto his back with Peter on top of him.

Both men moaned quietly as they continued to kiss until it became frantic and sloppy. When Peter broke away to breathe, Neal gasped. Peter’s lips trailed down the column of Neal’s neck, sucking at his skin gently. “Peter,” he whispered, arching his back until his chest was pressed against Peter’s. “Skip foreplay. Fuck me.”

Peter didn’t need to be told twice. He wouldn’t have minded taking it nice and slow with Neal, but Neal obviously didn’t want that right now and Peter was fine with that. He just wanted to be with Neal.

Leaning back, Peter got onto his knees. He grabbed the lube and condom from Neal’s nightstand and tossed them beside him on the bed before proceeding to strip Neal down. He allowed Neal to undress him and Neal’s hands felt so warm against his skin. He was kissing Peter’s bare shoulder afterwards until Peter shoved him down onto the bed, taking control. He slicked his middle and index finger with lube and smacked the inside of Neal’s left thigh, urging him to spread his legs again since he’d closed them.

When Neal complied, Peter immediately slid his middle finger into Neal’s hole, thrusting it in and out of him in rapid succession. He watched Neal’s expressions, loving how Neal looked even when he was obviously in pain. As a slight defense mechanism, Neal tried to close his legs without realizing he was doing it and Peter caught it. He grabbed Neal’s other leg, whispering, “Stay open for me.” Neal made a very loud noise when Peter slid his index finger into Neal alongside his middle finger without warning him. The slickness inside of Neal made Peter achingly hard and eager. Neal’s body was right there for the taking once again.

He was lucky that Neal forgave him. He realized that he could’ve lost Neal for many reasons. The fact that Neal was even willing to let Peter have sex with him meant a _lot._ Neal trusts Peter with his body even though he knew Peter could get a little out of hand regardless of whether he was asked to or not. Peter wanted to take his lover quickly, roughly, and passionately, so he made damn sure he could fit at least three of his fingers into Neal before beginning to consider penetration.

As he finished stretching Neal, he nearly slid right into the younger man. Neal’s ass and cock were right there in front of him and Neal’s chest was gleaming with a light layer of sweat. He looked like sex served on a golden platter in Peter’s mind and he craved Neal’s body so much that he almost disregarded one major part of their agreement. “Condom,” Neal said frantically. He’d shifted his body so Peter wouldn’t be able to slide into him until he had a condom on. Peter didn’t really understand why Neal was so hellbent on using condoms. Neal knows Peter makes love to Elizabeth and Peter knows that Neal hasn’t seen anyone else recently. In all honesty, Peter wanted to take Neal bare. He loved sex without a condom because it felt so freeing and he could connect with Elizabeth on a more intimate level that way. He wanted to share that experience with Neal, but he couldn’t—or rather _wouldn’t_ force that on Neal.

Neal obviously had his reasons and Peter didn’t want to push Neal too far out of his comfort zone. Rough sex was one thing in comparison to bareback sex when it came to Neal. Neal never felt inclined to have sex without a condom because he was afraid. He was afraid of impregnating a partner, but he was frightened more by the thought that _he_ could be impregnated.

Admitting that to himself was still tedious and he tried to act like he was perfectly normal. He’s just a man taking birth control medication. Plenty of people— _women_ —use birth control. He felt like he was being responsible, but he was just too damned afraid of having a child grow inside of him. The very thought of having a human life inside of him made him feel sick and revolted.

The last thing he ever wanted to do was explain to Peter how he’d gotten pregnant, so he wanted to make sure they were taking as many precautions as they possibly could. He believed he was doing all that he could on his end to prevent an unplanned pregnancy, but he’d been warned that there wasn’t much research done on male pregnancies because they were _extremely_ rare. He was one of very few cases, but his hadn’t been because he was transgender or anything biological. This was _forced_ onto him.

Even nearly twenty years since the day he’d discovered he was able to be impregnated, he resented the one who was absolutely at fault—his mother. She hadn’t wanted a son, but she’d had him anyway. She was eager to have a daughter and so she’d waited until the day he was born to discover that her entire pregnancy had been spent carrying a _boy._

Every time he remembered what Ellen had told him, he was severely pissed off, hurt, and felt betrayed. He hadn’t asked to be a boy when he was conceived. It wasn’t his fault. It was her egg and his father’s sperm that made him, so _they_ were to blame is how Neal rationalized it. His father hadn’t been part of the picture after Neal turned three and Ellen told him it was because his father had murdered someone, but that wasn’t the _whole_ truth. He’d abandoned Neal and his wife because of what she’d done to Neal.

“Sorry,” Peter whispered, drawing Neal out of his resentful thought process. Peter took a moment to roll the condom on and slicked it with lube. Meeting Neal’s eyes, he felt like something was wrong, but he didn’t know. He’d hoped Neal would tell him if something were wrong. Neal, being Neal, would more than likely keep to himself until he reached his breaking point and Peter hated that. He simply nodded at Neal once he was prepared and he wanted to know if Neal was ready as well. Neal nodded in response and shifted his body again, spreading his legs. “How do you want this?”

“Fuck me,” Neal said fiercely. “I don’t care how fast or how rough. I just want you to fuck me.”

And Peter did. He felt pathetic for acting like a man who’d suffered starvation for an entire week. He wasn’t normally this hungry for sex and he felt like a dog, wanting to hump Neal the second he was given the chance. Plunging into Neal’s body without hesitation and without sparing a moment to allow Neal to adjust, he rocked against Neal quickly, eliciting moans and cries from his lover that he attempted to hush by kissing him. He acted so out of control and so insensitive to Neal’s pain as he slid his left arm underneath Neal’s neck, drawing him even closer for kissing purposes, and he knew it would bother him later once he had a moment to reflect on the way he treated Neal’s body.

Neal gasped repeatedly as his prostate was hit with each thrust. Peter was beginning to sweat over him and Neal felt like his body was being ripped apart from the inside out. He could only remember feeling like this once before with Peter and that had been shortly after rescuing Elizabeth. They’d had a falling out, but Peter brutalized him. Even then, it hurt just as badly. This felt awful, but he hadn’t told Peter _not_ to be so rough. He was still adjusting to how different receiving anal sex was in comparison to actually being the one doing the penetrating. It felt terrible, but so good at the same time and that confused the hell out of him.

His entire body shook as they rocked the bed beneath them. Tears slid down the sides of his face even as Peter attempted to kiss him while he kept moving. This might’ve been one of the better experiences if he’d only suggested that they start off slow. Apparently, giving Peter the option to choose the pace meant Neal was consenting to being jackrabbitted.

Peter held Neal’s left leg when Neal bent his legs at Peter’s sides. He rubbed Neal’s warm skin, thrusting without pause. Neal was so damn warm inside and out—Peter didn’t want this to end. If he could, he’d never leave Neal’s body. “You’re mine,” Peter whispered thickly as he kissed Neal’s cheekbone. With Neal’s eyes closed, Peter took a brief moment to look at Neal’s ankle, wishing Neal wouldn’t have to wear that damn anklet anymore. Neal isn’t the kind of criminal who deserved this. “Yes,” Neal gasped, wrapping an arm around Peter’s neck, drawing Peter closer. His mouth was open in a silent scream as Peter picked up the pace. The bed protested with their movements, but neither of them listened to it. Peter kept thrusting and Neal kept taking it. Neal kept whispering, “Yes,” repeatedly even as Peter reached between them and tugged on Neal’s cock in synchronization with his thrusts until Neal finally gasped and shut his eyes tightly, clenching his muscles around Peter’s cock. He came quick and hard. His seed ended up on Peter’s hand as well as his own stomach and he was breathing heavily as he slowly opened his eyes to look up at the man he loved—the man who was still thrusting into him.

Despite having just ejaculated, Neal was perfectly fine with Peter continuing on until he himself was about to ejaculate. Peter was always very obvious when his climax was nearing. He grabbed Neal’s hands and pinned them on either side of Neal’s head, intertwining their fingers. He kept his eyes locked onto Neal’s, losing himself in the beautiful blueness swirling with love. Neal muted his pain, wanting to share this with Peter more than anything because they hadn’t been intimate in the sense that they wanted to be. Having sex was great, but they both wanted to have the other acknowledge them rather than just thrusting in or allowing the thrusts.

“Oh, fuck—Neal!” Peter gasped as he came. He squeezed Neal’s hands until his knuckles were white and rode out his orgasm.

“Peter,” Neal said in a panic. “Peter, you have a condom on, right?”

“Yes, why?” Peter asked breathlessly. Neal pushed himself up into a sitting position quickly and Peter glanced down when Neal did, pulling out of his younger lover. “Oh, shit,” he whispered as he watched a bit of his seed drip out of his lover.

Neal tried to tell himself that everything was just fine, that he had nothing to worry about. He’s taking contraceptives, so that should be enough to prevent his nightmare from ever becoming a reality. “It’s okay,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “I thought it felt strange because I never felt that before.” He’d felt Peter’s come shoot into him and that had been when he realized something was actually wrong.

Their condom had broken, but Neal tried to convince himself that he was unable to get pregnant because of the contraceptives. He’d blame Peter, claiming that Peter sabotaged the condom, but he couldn’t. Peter didn’t know that Neal was able to be impregnated. The condom had simply and accidentally broken.

Neal laid back down, trying to keep himself calm as he stared up at his lover. He had no reason to panic is what he kept telling himself. It was a onetime thing—an accident.

Peter, having realized Neal was suddenly very tense, leaned over him again, kissing him softly, drawing out the length of their kisses to ease Neal’s nerves. It was passionate, sweet, and just what they both needed in that moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter frightens Neal repeatedly.

“Why are you wearing it on your right hand?”

Neal glanced up from his work to see his lover standing in front of his desk, looking a bit upset. He followed Peter’s gaze and swallowed before meeting his eyes again to answer. “Don’t you think I’d get asked a lot of questions if I came in wearing what could be considered a wedding ring? No one knows we’re together.”

Peter looked very flustered and hurt, which Neal didn’t understand. “So you’re ashamed of me.”

“What?” Neal asked, clearly confused. He would’ve thought Peter of all people understood his reasoning. Neither of them wanted to be caught because it would risk Peter’s job.

“You’re ashamed of me and our relationship, so you won’t wear it like I want you to.”

Neal’s eyes hardened for a moment. “I’m trying to save your ass,” he hissed. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. I’m still wearing it, so I don’t know what the big deal is.” He analyzed the older man, seeing a lot of tension in his shoulders. He’d almost decided not to wear it after Peter put it on his hand last week. Throughout this entire week, Peter had been too preoccupied to notice that Neal’s ring wasn’t on his left hand anymore, but he, of course, caught it when he was already frustrated and upset. “Peter?”

Peter waved him off, walking away from him. As much as Neal hated to admit it, that hurt. Every night all that week, Peter had been sweet and loving. Hell, he had the ring on the proper finger when he and Peter were alone just to satisfy his lover. Apparently, nothing he did was good enough regardless of how hard he tried. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong this time, but he wanted to figure it out before things between them went to hell again.

Getting up, he headed up to Peter’s office, knocking on the door before entering since Peter was turned away from the door. “Go back to work,” Peter demanded, startling Neal with his anger.

“Peter,” he said as he shut the door. “What’s wrong?” He stepped closer to the desk, warily watching his best friend. For several, long, agonizing minutes, Peter wouldn’t respond. Neal sighed heavily, pleadingly saying, “I can’t fix the problem if I don’t know what it is.”

Neal startled when Peter spun quickly and leapt out of his seat, storming over to Neal to stop abruptly in front of him, seething in rage. “You’re the problem,” he snarled. Neal simply stared at Peter, knowing Peter wouldn’t hurt him, but he wondered why or how he’d upset Peter to this point. “You bitch at me about how you don’t want to be my whore, but you won’t put your ring on properly to prove that you’re more than that.”

“I’m trying to protect your job, Peter,” he insisted. “I care about you more than the damn ring. You, your job, and your happiness come before the ring. I still have it on, so it isn’t like it means nothing to me.”

“Get out before I wring your neck,” Peter whispered bitterly, setting his jaw firmly as he stared at Neal. Neal was mortified and frozen. Of all the things he’d ever done to piss Peter off, this had to be the most absurd of them. “Are you _deaf,_ you little bastard? I said get out!”

Neal stood his ground. He wasn’t afraid of Peter—not really. They weren’t entirely alone nor were they in bed together. He was, for once, thankful that they hadn’t planned a time to fit in a bit of sex that night because he didn’t think Peter would treat him very kindly if they ended up in bed. He just hoped Peter wouldn’t hurt Elizabeth. Peter didn’t seem like the type to hit a woman and he’d been with Elizabeth for more than a decade without once laying a hand on her, but he wasn’t averse to hitting Neal. “I want to fix this,” Neal whispered. “I hate leaving things unresolved with you because they continue to fester until you hit me.”

Peter’s fingers curled into a fist and Neal was actually a little afraid in that moment. “I’ll hit you, all right.” Neal backed up and Peter’s eyes followed him. “Get out. Go back to work. I’m not interested in speaking to you.”

“Fine, but don’t come down there in five minutes begging for my forgiveness,” he snapped, turning on his heels. He pulled the door open and left quickly, heading back down to his desk. He didn’t know what Peter’s problem was now, but he wasn’t in the mood to have Peter threaten him when he hadn’t done anything wrong. For once, he could actually admit he didn’t do anything to provoke Peter. If Peter hit him this time, he was just being an asshole rather than an asshole with a legitimate irritation.

He stayed at his desk for two hours, working on reports he’d been putting off while he was attempting to repair his strained relationship with Peter. He was actually almost done when Peter came down and paused in front of his desk. Neal looked up at him. He wasn’t angry as much as he was hurt. Peter made it seem like things were actually getting better and they really weren’t. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Neal shook his head, muttering, “An apology isn’t enough this time.”

“Then what can I do without begging you to forgive me?”

“Nothing. I don’t want you to do anything.” He glanced around the bullpen for a moment before sitting forward, staring up at Peter with hardened, cold eyes. “Stop being such a prick to me and we won’t have to worry about things like this.” Peter’s lips parted as he stared at the younger man sadly. “Threatening me and telling me to leave _hurts,_ Peter. If all you want me for is sex and beatings, then I don’t think we should even try to keep this up anymore. I’m not going to be your punching bag.”

Peter’s entire expression changed. He looked furious now. “I can easily put your ass back in prison. Do you want to leave me?”

Neal glanced around warily, whispering, “You’re making a scene,” as he realized some agents were glancing in their direction.

“Do you want to leave me?” he repeated firmly.

Neal stood up and Peter’s eyes followed him. He walked down towards the interrogation room and stopped in the hall, turning to face Peter. They were a good distance away from the main area now, so they could have this discussion without worrying that someone might catch on to them. “No, I don’t _want_ to leave you,” he hissed. “I like you when you’re not acting like a dick.”

Peter bristled at that even further. He was getting angrier the longer he stood in front of Neal. Neal began to tell him that he wants things between them to get better and he suggested that he and Peter actually try to talk things through rather than arguing and ignoring each other. He went on to say that Peter should consider some kind of anger management or counseling because he always seemed to feel this way when he was solely around Neal. In that moment, his fury went through the roof.

He threw an abrupt, quick, and rough punch at Neal. His fist connected with Neal’s cheekbone and Neal actually staggered backwards, his eyes widened. “I’m not the only one with problems,” Peter whispered. “You’re constantly guilting me into kissing the very ground you walk on because you want more from me. Nothing I do satisfies you.”

“What in the name of God are you even _talking_ about? _You_ don’t satisfy _me?_ ” he asked incredulously, holding his aching cheekbone. “ _I_ guilt _you?_ Peter, what fantasy are you living in?”

He shoved Neal back against the wall, wrapping his hands around Neal’s neck with only a slight amount of pressure actually on it. Neal was terrified because this was the closest Peter’s ever come to actually giving the idea of killing him consideration. “I will drain the very life out of you,” he growled. Part of him wanted to beat Neal right there because he’d done it before. He’d punched Neal and shoved him around in that exact location. Strangely, he had the urge to punch Neal in the stomach just to see him double over, but he was resisting that urge without even trying to resist it. That made no sense in his mind because he’d love to hit Neal. “You’re so ungrateful. I’ve given you something you wouldn’t have had for another four years following your prison break—if not longer. You told me you didn’t care if you threw your life away for Kate then. I get the feeling you’re still holding onto those damned feelings for that deceitful bitch.”

Neal stared at him brokenly while breathing a little quicker. His heart was racing as Peter’s fingers tightened around his throat. “She’s _dead._ I-I—I’ve done everything you wanted or needed. I l-love _you._ ”

“The only reason you love me is because Adler killed her—your one true love.” Neal shook his head, trying to protest. “You would have left with her and disappeared into the mist Mentor would shroud you in. If she were still alive, there wouldn’t be an _us._ ”

“Stop that,” Neal pleaded, reaching up to grab Peter’s hands. He tried to pry them from around his throat, but that only made it worse. The more he resisted, the tighter Peter’s grip became.

Peter’s upper lip curled in disgust. “That whore lied to you and strung you along through it all and you still would have run away with her. You would have died because of her. Mentor was just a ruse. She wanted to kill you while she was on her own suicidal flight.” Neal began to gasp for breath, staring at Peter’s face, meeting his eyes. Peter was going to kill him. He was sure of it. “I’d never try to kill you,” Peter hissed as he relaxed his grip, letting go of Neal’s throat entirely. Neal gasped, inhaling and exhaling at a rate that actually frightened Peter. He didn’t realize he’d actually been interfering with Neal’s breathing. He was just trying to make a point. “Neal, are you okay?” he asked, sounding concerned. He reached out and Neal flinched away from him.

“Don’t touch me,” he whispered, one hand resting over his throat while the other covered his cheekbone. “Just stay away.” He left before Peter had the chance to beg him to calm down so they could talk. He stared at the wall he’d shoved Neal against and loathed himself. He would’ve been better off punching Neal’s stomach instead of nearly suffocating him. The former wouldn’t have killed Neal and he was afraid of himself for going past his intended pressure while he’d been holding Neal’s neck. He’d meant to let Neal know he was pissed at him. Scaring the hell out of him hadn’t been part of the agenda.

•◊•

Neal felt uncomfortable as he held onto the back of a chair. “Have you been starting all of these issues or is he at fault?” He’d come over because she said it was urgent and all she wanted to do was talk about Peter who was caught up in an actual stakeout. “He hasn’t been acting like himself lately and he’s always telling me that there’s a little static between you guys.”

“It’s…complicated.” She gave him a concerned look and he shook his head, sighing quietly. “Peter and I are always complicated. That may as well be our status for the duration.”

“The duration?”

He looked at her blankly, paling when he realized he’d slipped. Again, she looked concerned. “I’m leaving once my sentence has been served,” he whispered. “I haven’t told Peter and I don’t plan to.”

Now she looked hurt. He hated himself because he was making her feel that way. He couldn’t look at her without feeling really guilty. This woman was the wife to the man he’d been sleeping with for almost five years off and on. “You’re really going to leave?” she asked quietly. He nodded and she frowned. “Neal, I know Peter can be difficult or stubborn… You have friends here—family, as you’ve told us before.”

He told himself that family members don’t fuck together behind the one’s wife’s back. Now he just felt miserable. “I know,” he whispered. “I need time away—and it isn’t your fault in any way, shape, or form.” Except for the fact that her sheer innocence made his heart wrench. “I told Peter a few years ago, when I was going to leave with Kate, that he could go back to having a normal life and I could start one of my own.” He frowned, thinking back to that. He’d been desperately in love with Peter then, but he was still planning on running with Kate. The fact that he’d been deeply affected by both Kate and Peter left him confused. He didn’t know what his sexuality was, but he decided it wasn’t as important as was the fact that he wanted to be happy. “You and Peter deserve a normal life without my idiocy complicating matters.”

She reached across the table and took his hand in hers. “Peter doesn’t mean that when he says it,” she insisted. “He’s really moody. I don’t think it’s you, sweetie.” He shrugged and bowed his head. That was when she realized for the first time since he’d arrived that his cheek was bruising. “What happened?” she asked as she jumped out of her seat, reaching up to tentatively touch his face. “How did you do this?”

“If I told you, Peter would throw me back into prison,” he said, forcing a teasing smile. She looked confused and he could see her putting the pieces together, so he decided to correct himself. “Con gone wrong that Peter doesn’t know about.”

Neal felt like shit when she actually bought that. “Secret’s safe with me,” she said softly. She lowered her hand, resting it atop his on the back of the chair. “Do you think you and Peter are going to be able to work through this? He’s never…you know…when he comes home.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “If he argued with you, he’s not excitable,” she breathed in a rush. “I want my husband to be genuinely happy again and I know he wants to fix things with you.” Neal almost laughed in her face, telling her how that was such a load of bullshit, but he refrained from doing so—just barely. “I’m not telling you to do anything because I don’t know what you’re fighting about, but I hope you two can work it out. Peter cares about you a great deal.”

“Sure as hell acts like it,” he blurted sarcastically before he could stop himself. He stared at her, trying to pretend he wasn’t mortified by the fact that he was really slipping up tonight. “If you care about someone, you don’t tell them they’re complicating your life and admit that you think they’re a massive fuckup.”

“He said that to you?” she asked incredulously. He didn’t nod or shake his head. He wanted to see what her reaction was because he was gauging how much trouble he was going to get into with Peter once Elizabeth scolded the older man about this. That was partly why he tried avoiding Elizabeth like the plague. Anything he told her would eventually get back to Peter and Peter hated hearing things from someone other than Neal. “Oh, he’s going to get it tonight. That’s terrible to say to someone you consider a best friend.”

Neal shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. There’s no need to strain your relationship with him,” he insisted. “We’ll eventually get over—”

The door began to unlock and he froze in terror. He hadn’t spoken to Peter since he’d walked away from him earlier in the day. He’d managed to finish off the day in one of the back offices in order to stay away from Peter. “Hey, hon,” he called out as he came in and shut the door, locking it up after him.

“Hi, honey,” she said, smiling as he came into view. He froze when he saw Neal and they both stared at each other in horror. Peter told himself that his relationship with Neal was over because he was confessing to El and Neal was afraid that Peter would take him somewhere to beat him again. “I asked Neal to come over to keep me company for a little while. You’re home early.” He nodded silently, his eyes still locked onto Neal. Neal averted his eyes, glancing at Elizabeth. “We were talking about work anyway. How was the stakeout?”

He cleared his throat, muttering, “It went well.” He neared them and rounded the counter to hold his wife’s hips, kissing her softly. “We caught the bad guy—as usual. Diana and Clinton were thrilled to head home.” Looking at Neal briefly, he added, “Too bad you weren’t there. Would’ve been nice.”

Neal lowered his gaze to his lap, frowning. “I wasn’t invited,” he said. “And if I was, I didn’t know it.”

Elizabeth could see the tension between them. This was the first time in weeks that she’d seen them together. Neal hadn’t been coming around much and Peter was ‘caught up in stakeouts’ most nights. “You’re always welcome,” Peter whispered.

“I’m going to head home. Thanks for the chat, Elizabeth.”

He got up quickly and Peter moved to grab his arm gently, tugging on it. “Why don’t you stay for dinner? You’re already here.”

“No,” Neal said firmly. “Dinner is your time. I shouldn’t be here to mess that up for you and Elizabeth.” Peter stared at him wordlessly. He squeezed Neal’s arm roughly, making Neal cringe. “Let go,” he whispered.

“I’ll walk you out.”

“No thanks. I’ll show myself out.”

Elizabeth watched her husband and his best friend, wondering why they were so hostile with each other. “I’ll walk you out,” Peter repeated, gritting his teeth. He led Neal by the arm out of the kitchen. “What did you tell her?” he snapped after he’d stepped outside and shut the door behind him. He was holding Neal’s wrist roughly, staring directly into his eyes. That was his surefire way of knowing if Neal were lying or not.

Neal shook his head. “I didn’t say anything to her. I’m _hurt,_ but I’m not going to ruin your life because of it.” Peter’s body language changed almost immediately. He was shocked rather than upset. Neal gave Peter a sad smile. “I’m a big boy, Peter. I’m not going to cause drama or bitch because I’m not getting what I want. I can accept the fact that you’re right, that I’m a fuckup.” Peter’s lips parted and he looked so sad, like he wished he’d never implied that Neal fucked everything up. He lifted his left hand and caressed his right, sliding the ring off and holding it out to Peter. “I’m sure there’s someone else out there who deserves this far more than I do.”

“I bought it specifically for you,” Peter whispered.

“I’m giving it back to you because we can’t be together anymore. If you want to send me back to prison, then go ahead. I’m tired of making your life hell.”

Peter lifted his hands to caress Neal’s cheeks gently. “I don’t want you to leave me. I know I’ve been cruel to you and I’m so sorry, Neal. Please, you need to—”

“I need to move on,” Neal whispered. “You have your life—your wife. I don’t fit into that picture.” He shrugged, trying to pretend like this wasn’t killing him inside. He lifted his hands and grabbed Peter’s, moving them away from his face. Instead of letting go of Peter’s hands once they were off of him, he held them between the two of them. “You know how I feel about you, but I can’t…can’t interfere in your life any more than I already have.”

Peter held onto Neal’s hands tightly, shaking his head. “No. I don’t want to let you go.”

Neal frowned, trying to plead with his eyes. “You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”

When Neal tried to pull away, Peter became aggressive. He pulled Neal closer, wrapping his arms around Neal tightly, so tight that Neal was having difficulty making even the slightest of movements. “I will _not_ let you end this,” he whispered.

“Peter, let go of me,” Neal demanded. Neal struggled in Peter’s grip until he finally broke free. He backed away only to have Peter near him very quickly, punching him right in the face. Neal swore Peter just broke his nose, but he didn’t know for sure. He fell on his ass because of the tremendous force Peter used against him. “ _This_ is why we can’t be together!” he hissed. “You’re a different man with me and I don’t like that man. That’s not the man I fell in love with.”

The older man stalked towards him, crouching over Neal’s body, reaching down to choke Neal again. Neal gasped, holding Peter’s wrists. “You’re mine and mine alone,” Peter snarled. Neal’s eyes rolled back as he struggled to breathe. Peter wouldn’t let up and he didn’t have the strength to get Peter off of him. This was completely intentional and Neal wasn’t sure if Peter actually wanted to kill him or if he was trying to scare him into staying. Either way, it was a terrifying feeling.

“Peter,” he rasped, making choked sounds.

Just as he thought Peter was actually going to end his life, Peter let go and he gasped, twisting to lay on his left side, coughing harshly. This was the second time that Peter choked him—and in the same day, too. “You aren’t leaving me and that’s final. You can go back to prison and live without the protection of the guards. We both know what would have happened to your pretty self if you hadn’t been given protection.” Neal stared up at him in horror, wondering why Peter was acting like this. None of this was making any sense to him. “Or you can stay with me and I’ll protect you. If you leave me, you’re going to fend for yourself in there. You may not have been sexually assaulted there before, but I can guarantee that you will be if I forbid the guards from protecting you.”

“Why would you do that to me?” Neal asked brokenly as Peter straightened up. “Peter, I care so much about you. I know you’re mad at me for not wearing the ring on my left hand, but you need to understand that I’m doing what I’m doing because I care about you. I’m trying to protect you,” he whispered. “I’m not trying to act like this means nothing to me.”

“You’re not acting,” Peter growled. He pulled Neal up roughly, taking his left hand to slide the ring onto the proper finger. “You really don’t give a damn about me, do you, Neal? You’re in this solely for the sex, aren’t you?”

“You know I’m with you for more than that,” Neal whispered.

Peter once again fought the urge to punch Neal’s stomach and he wasn’t putting much effort into that resistance. Any other day, he would have hit him there rather than his face, but he felt strange about doing that and he wasn’t sure why. He was angry, so he should just do whatever feels right. The thing was, this didn’t feel right. “If you’re ever alone with my wife again, I will be the complicated one.” Neal remained silent, staring at the older man solemnly. He didn’t like what was going on between them and it still didn’t make any sense to him. “Do you want me to take you home?” he asked softly a moment later.

“No!” Neal said quickly, backing away once Peter’s hands were off of him. Peter’s brows furrowed as he watched the terror spread across Neal’s expression. “I don’t—can’t—” He swallowed hard, feeling too afraid to even speak his mind. He didn’t want Peter to hit him again. Being hurt twice in one day was enough for him. “Bye,” he whispered, turning away quickly to practically sprint down the block. He’d call for a taxi at some point, but he wanted to get away from Peter again. For loving a man who abuses him, he certainly had a skewed perspective. He ran away to get to safety, but he realized he’d always go right back to Peter. What was sad was that he knew Peter was hurting him for no reason at all, but Peter believed there was an actual reason to do so.

•◊•

“Good morning.” Neal startled, dumping his mug of coffee on the break area countertop. He’d been stirring his drink when Peter snuck up on him. He glanced over his shoulder fearfully and Peter could see that almost immediately. Neal had been able to successfully dodge Peter for two days and he was hoping he could shoot for three. Apparently, he just wasn’t that lucky. “How’re you doing?”

Neal’s heart sped up when Peter sidled up to him, filling his own mug. “Fine,” Neal whispered hoarsely. He cleared his throat, grabbing napkins to clean the mess he’d made.

Peter rested a hand at the center of Neal’s back and Neal immediately tensed, stopping what he was doing to stare directly at Peter. “Neal, I haven’t seen you in days. Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. The last time I was with you, you punched me and nearly choked me to death,” he said as quietly as he could manage without sounding incredibly angry. He wasn’t angry anymore. He was worried sick that Peter would conjure up some reason to hit him again. Peter looked as though he’d been punched in the gut and Neal took a small amount of satisfaction in that. “I’ve been going out of my way to avoid you and I’m going to tell you that honestly. You scare me, Peter, and I don’t want to be afraid of a man I love.”

“I’ll take you out to dinner tonight,” Peter said softly. “We can talk and—”

“No. I’m not going anywhere with you unless we’re with a group of people.” Peter looked hurt by Neal’s interjection and Neal swallowed hard. “I’m not leaving myself alone with you. I don’t—trust you anymore.” Peter’s demeanor changed and he was really upset. “Just tell me you didn’t hurt El.”

“I didn’t hurt El,” he whispered. Neal nodded, trying to fill his coffee again without getting too close to Peter. The last thing he wanted to do was accidentally bump into his handler and piss him off. “I shouldn’t have hurt you and I’ve given that a lot of thought over the last couple of days. Neal, I’m really sorry.”

Neal blinked back tears, hating himself for giving in to his vulnerability. “If you were truly sorry, you wouldn’t do this to me anymore. You keep hurting me and I don’t understand sometimes. You say such ridiculous things that terrify me. You’re twisting everything to make it my fault.”

“I was drinking the other night,” Peter admitted, “before I went home. I didn’t know you were going to be there.”

“You think I’m going to say everything’s okay because you had some alcohol?” he asked incredulously. “If you think I’ll forgive you for almost killing me, then let me tell you how fucking wrong you are.”

Peter took Neal’s left hand in his right, noting that Neal’s ring was on his right hand again. He calmed himself before blowing up on his lover, his best friend. “Let me make it up to you somehow.”

Neal laughed bitterly. “Stay away from me and that’ll be sufficient enough. I’m about ready to petition for a return to my prison cell because I know I’ll be safer there than I am out here with you.” He’d snapped that at Peter fiercely and internally hit himself. He didn’t want to be aggressive. He wanted to avoid Peter at all costs and he was successful to begin with. Peter was staring at Neal’s cheek and nose, wondering how there were no bruises on his face. Neal noticed that Peter was staring and added, “I have makeup on. Call me a gay fucker all you want, but I don’t want to have to explain to someone that you beat me. You’ll probably want to beat me for saying that, too, won’t you?”

“No, Neal. I don’t want to do that to you anymore.” He’d given things a lot of thought over the last few days when he’d had very little to no interaction with Neal whatsoever. Something was going on between him that he didn’t understand. The way he’d been hurting Neal was completely different and he couldn’t figure out why. Normally, he didn’t give a damn about where he hurt Neal. He figured that Neal’s chest, abdomen, and stomach were perfect because they were hidden whilst in public. To make up for bruises on his face and—as Peter could vaguely see up close—neck, he had to apply makeup. “I want to…to fix this.”

“Too damn late,” he said as he picked up his coffee mug, walking away. Peter tentatively followed him back to his desk, startling Neal when Neal sat down and looked up at him. “I already tried the ‘I want to fix this’ line and look where that got me. I just want you to go away.”

“We’re working together. That’s kind of—”

Neal growled, “I will help you with cases and other work-related things, but there is no discussion about sex or the relationship we _had._ ”

Peter swallowed, blinking a few times as he tried to accept that he’d gone too far this time. He’d gone too far many times, but he’d nearly suffocated Neal twice a couple days ago. “If I can prove to you that I won’t hurt you anymore, will you take me back?” Neal glared at him and Peter tried to believe that Neal would forgive him eventually. This animosity wouldn’t last forever. “I’ll change, Neal.”

The younger man scoffed, turning his chair to face his computer screen rather than Peter. “I’ll believe that when I see it,” he whispered. “I’m not up for more absurd, unjustifiable beatings. I’m in love with you, you bastard, but that doesn’t mean I should allow myself to suffer and I refuse to put myself in that position.” He briefly met Peter’s eyes. “I don’t care how much I love you. The man I love is slowly fading away and becoming some abusive _monster._ I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t appreciate me when I tell him I’m wearing this God damn ring on my right hand to keep him safe.” He shrugged, sighing in frustration. “I mean, I could put it on my left hand or just blatantly admit that we’re fucking. You can go to prison and I can finally be freed if that’s what you want, Peter. Either way, I’m done with this.”

“I won’t hassle you anymore,” Peter tried to promise him. “I—”

“You’re the ASAC, Peter. Go do your damn work. I have reports I need to finish before the end of the day and I can’t get them done if you’re standing over me.” Peter stared at Neal silently, wishing he could immediately and magically fix the relationship he was tearing apart. He knew he was at fault now and Neal was right. Neal was justified in wanting to keep himself safe, so Peter couldn’t blame him for that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal gets "sick."

Neal rolled over to see Mozzie sitting on his couch. He smiled faintly at his friend, grateful to see him. Mozzie had vanished for a couple weeks and he told Neal he’d surprise him when he came back. “Hey,” he whispered as he rubbed his eyes and sat up, yawning quietly. “Welcome back. How was your trek around Brazil?”

Mozzie chuckled. “Enlightening.” Neal raised an eyebrow, encouraging him to expand upon that. “I’ve discovered several locations we could potentially run to if there ever comes a time when you need a place to hide out. It’s always good to scout out potential safe houses.” At the look Neal was giving him, he added, “Your sentence will be over in a little over a year, but it’s always good to have a backup plan in case things don’t go as planned. You of all people know how plans can go awry.”

“Indeed,” he said wryly, sliding off of the bed. He wobbled for a moment, feeling lightheaded. “Wow,” he whispered, lifting his hand to hold his forehead. “I think I’m getting sick. I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus or two.”

The older man analyzed his friend curiously. “No offense, but you do look like hell. Perhaps you should consider calling the Suit to let him know that you may be taking off for a little while.”

Neal shook his head. “He and I aren’t on speaking terms right now,” he muttered. Mozzie’s brows furrowed. He wasn’t expecting that. As far as he knew, no major catastrophe had occurred, so they should be just fine. “It’s been this way for about a month.”

“What, pray tell, is the cause?”

“Peter’s… We’re just having complications. It’s nothing major, Moz.”

“If you’re sure…”

Neal nodded. “I’ll go into—” He gasped and covered his mouth with his right hand as a sudden wave of nausea overcame him. He tried to swallow it back down, but it was too much. He darted towards the bathroom, quickly shutting the door behind him before promptly emptying his stomach in the toilet. He dry heaved for a short time after that before simply resting there with his forehead against his forearm while he breathed heavily. He went through a list of reasons he may be sick and couldn’t find one that explained this morning.

He hadn’t gotten drunk before bed last night nor had he eaten anything bad for him. He only had a glass of wine and he’d cooked dinner for himself, so it wasn’t like he’d given himself food poisoning. “Neal, are you okay?” Mozzie asked outside of the door. Neal moaned and he could hear Mozzie shifting uncomfortably on the other side. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Shoot me,” he groaned. The nausea was overwhelming and he didn’t think he could actually force himself to stand if he tried. He’d felt lightheaded upon getting out of bed and now his stomach was warring with him, too. Maybe it was just a bug going around is what he told himself. That was the only explanation he could really figure fit best. “Can you get me some water?” Mozzie left without a word, heading into the kitchen to get a glass of water for his best friend.

Neal felt all sorts of ‘out of it.’ Shifting his legs so he wasn’t cramping them made him feel sick and it was such an intense feeling of sickness. In all his years that he could remember, he couldn’t once pick out a time when he’d felt this sick. He’d had his fair share of the flu growing up, but he’d gotten himself taken care of before the flu season broke out in full swing.

Mozzie knocked on the door when he returned and Neal told him to come in. “You look as white as a ghost,” he murmured as he handed the glass to the younger man. Neal groaned after spitting into the toilet a few times. He had such an awful taste in his mouth, one of the downsides to getting sick. “You haven’t been sick in a few years as far as I can remember, so what brought this on?”

“I’m honestly not sure,” Neal whispered, shrugging. “I feel like absolute shit right now. I don’t think I can make it in to work like this.”

“Do you want me to place a call to the Suit?”

Neal glanced at him and nodded, whispering, “If you wouldn’t mind, that would be fantastic of you.”

Mozzie nodded, rubbing Neal’s shoulder gently before heading out into the main room to grab his cell phone. He immediately dialed Peter’s number and waited for him to pick up. “ _This is Peter Burke._ ”

“And a fair morn to you as well, Suit,” he said sarcastically.

“ _Mozzie, why are you calling?_ ”

Mozzie raised an eyebrow. “I’m calling to inform you that our mutual friend has fallen ill this morning. In other words, Neal feels like garbage and won’t be able to make it in today.” There was a slight pause on the other end and Mozzie wondered if Peter had gotten disconnected or if he’d been distracted for a moment. “Suit, did you hear me?”

Peter cleared his throat. “ _Oh. Uh, yes. Would I be able to speak to him?_ ”

“I’ll ask,” he said, sighing. As he headed back towards the bathroom, he called out, “Neal, he—” Neal was getting sick in the bathroom again and Mozzie swallowed back bile. “Neal is a bit indisposed at the moment.”

He could hear an edge of hesitation and concern in Peter’s voice as he said, “ _Okay. When he’s feeling a little better, tell him I said to get some rest. I’ll call him in a little while to check up on him—assuming you aren’t staying with him._ ”

“That has yet to be determined, but I’ll let him know that you’re thinking about him.”

“ _Yeah,_ ” Peter whispered. “ _All right. Thanks, Mozzie. I hope he feels better soon._ ”

After hanging up on Peter, Mozzie went into the bathroom once again, seeing his best friend in so much misery. “I can head over to get some medicine for you if you’d like,” he offered. Neal nodded wordlessly. Mozzie took in Neal’s posture. The younger man was arched over the toilet with a hand on his stomach. “One may jokingly say you’re acting like a woman in her first term.” Neal glanced at him, his brows furrowing in confusion. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were pregnant,” he teased.

“That’s not even—” His eyes widened as he considered what Mozzie had said. “How far into the pregnancy are women before they have morning sickness?”

Mozzie didn’t look amused anymore, feeling like Neal was taking the joke all too seriously. “I believe anywhere after the first month—so approximately five to six weeks.”

Neal’s eyes watered as he went over the little timetable in his head. He and Peter had sex regularly for a short period of time, but it’d been about five weeks since the night the condom broke. “Oh, fuck,” he whispered miserably. Mozzie moved closer to the younger man, resting a hand on his shoulder concernedly. “Moz, can you do me a favor without asking questions?”

“Certainly,” Mozzie agreed.

Neal swallowed hard, whispering, “Can you go buy me two pregnancy tests?”

•◊•

Neal rushed into the living area once he heard Mozzie return. “You do realize I was kidding, don’t you?”

“I’ll explain in a minute,” he said as he took the bag from Mozzie, heading back to the bathroom. He shut the door and locked it behind him, pulling the first of two tests out. He bit his lip and opened it, reading the instructions. He’d never taken a pregnancy test before nor had he spoken to anyone about taking them, so he was reading it thoroughly. He’d held off on going to the bathroom just for this. “This is ridiculous,” he whispered as he shifted his sleep pants and underwear. He went about his business and proceeded to set the test down on the sink countertop.

He washed his hands, sat down on the toilet, and folded his fingers, watching the stick. It told him to wait two minutes and he was going to do just that. “Are you planning on explaining?” Mozzie asked about a minute into his waiting period.

He chose not to answer just yet. If it was negative, he’d just say he was messing around. However, the odds of not being pregnant didn’t seem very good to him considering. He felt like he was waiting for a death sentence. The wait was so intense that it was making him nauseous again.

As soon as the two minutes were up, he leaned forward. And gasped, covering his mouth with his hand. There were two dark lines, which indicated that he was _pregnant._ Explaining this was going to be hell, but there was no way he could fake this. Trembling, he got up and went to unlock the door. His eyes were watering when he pulled it open. Mozzie immediately looked up at him, concerned. “There’s something I need to tell you,” he whispered.

Mozzie glanced at the counter, seeing the test. “Neal, is this some kind of strange con you’re running?”

Neal shook his head, reaching up to rub his eyes. He sat down on the toilet again and breathed heavily. “My mom wanted a daughter,” he whispered. “She waited until she had me before discovering that I’m… Well, _me._ ” Mozzie crossed an arm over his chest, holding his other hand over his mouth. “She resented me and, as I was told, she wanted to do one of three things. Smother me with a pillow, drop me off outside of some foster care facility anonymously, or ask some scientists to genetically alter me. Evidently, she chose the latter of the three,” he said softly. “She had connections and they were working on changing hormones and all this other shit that I don’t understand. She took me to them and they injected me with hCG—human chorionic gonadotropin—and progestogen. Oxytocin is one of the few things I was given, as well as an excess amount of estrogen. The first two hormones give me the ability to…maintain a pregnancy. The third, as I was told, is meant to… Let me just put it this way. I’m able to lactate, which, in all seriousness, means I can breastfeed. Estrogen, as you know, is the female hormone.”

The older man looked stunned, like he never expected to hear Neal say such a thing. He had to believe it though because Neal wouldn’t have done research and memorized names of hormones if they didn’t pertain to him in some way. “Neal…” he whispered, sympathetic.

“I’m still male,” Neal said defensively. “I have all the regular junk, but I’m a little…different internally. The one thing that doesn’t make sense to me is that I don’t have menstrual cycles, which I know are important for women.” He turned towards the counter and grabbed the test, holding it up for Mozzie to see the results. “I have eggs, I guess,” he whispered, “seeing as I’m pregnant and all now.”

Mozzie’s eyes widened as he stared at the two lines on the test his best friend was holding up. “How in the name of all that is holy are you meant to give birth?”

“Caesarean.”

He nodded, trying to come to terms with everything Neal just told him. “Assuming you didn’t impregnate yourself, there’s a sperm donor that you consistently copulate with.” Tears slid down Neal’s cheeks as he looked away, setting the test down. That was something Mozzie didn’t fully understand. He was trying to figure out who Neal might have been intimate with. It dawned on him then who the obvious ‘sperm donor’ was. “I wouldn’t be wrong if I assumed you’ve been seeing a Suit rather intimately, would I?”

Neal broke down then and Mozzie’s heart wrenched. “We were careful and I’m on contraceptives,” he said miserably. “A few weeks ago, the condom broke. It shouldn’t have mattered. The pills I’m on are supposed to prevent pregnancy, not induce it.” He looked like he didn’t know what to do with his life at all. “Peter can’t know. He doesn’t know that this is even possible. He probably just thinks I’m crazy because I wanted condoms every time we’ve been together.”

Mozzie neared the younger man, resting a hand on his shoulder, glancing at the test again. “You’re going to have to break it to him sooner or later. You’re about a month into your pregnancy already and you’ll eventually begin to show by ballooning out.”

“Yeah. Just make me feel all kinds of better about this,” Neal said angrily as he rubbed his face. “Peter and I aren’t on the best of terms. I can’t tell him. I’m going to have to prevent him from seeing any kind of…enlargement as long as I can. Once I get past the point where I can hide this, I’m going to have to run.”

“You don’t think this will change your…relationship with Suit?”

“I don’t know, Moz.” It dawned on him then that Mozzie was actually listening to this like he believed it. He had no idea how that was even possible even after giving a full explanation. Moz accepted that Neal, as a male, was pregnant _and_ that he, a former _con artist,_ had been impregnated by Special Agent Peter Burke, a _Fed._

Mozzie nodded. “Well, I’m going to be with you through all of this.”

“You don’t think I’m lying to you?” he asked curiously.

The older man shrugged. “Even if you were, you’re putting on a very realistic show.” He rubbed Neal’s shoulder then. “You wouldn’t lie about something like this and this has obviously traumatized you. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.”

“Scared more than anything else, I think.”

Mozzie pulled Neal up from the toilet and hugged him gently, being mindful of Neal’s stomach. There was no bulge yet, but he was nauseous as it was. Mozzie didn’t feel inclined to upset his stomach further. “Understandably so.” Neal leaned against him, really absorbing Mozzie’s support. “Thank you for confiding in me,” Mozzie whispered. “I’m always on your side, so there’s no reason to worry about being alone.” Neal smiled as he teared up again. He was always worried that he’d end up alone during this if it ever happened, not that he expected it to. He had the feeling Peter wouldn’t help him at all, so having Mozzie was a blessing.

•◊•

Peter was surprised when he twisted the doorknob to Neal’s apartment. He’d told himself that it would be locked and it wasn’t. He tentatively pushed the door open, quietly calling out, “Neal? Are you home?” He stepped further into the apartment and turned to find Neal sleeping on the bed. He looked miserable even as he slept, so Peter didn’t think Mozzie had been lying when he’d called earlier to tell him that Neal wasn’t feeling well.

He neared Neal’s bed, wishing he was welcome into it again. He’d been thinking a lot about how he’s treated Neal and he realized how cruel and unfair he’d been. Neal was trying to do something good for him and Peter kept twisting it to make it seem like Neal was being an asshole. Now that he was seeing clearly as he rarely did when he was with or thinking about Neal, he could see that Neal wasn’t at fault. He was trying to protect himself and Peter at first, but now he was trying to protect himself _from_ Peter. That hurt the older man to think about because he, deep down, truly loved Neal. He had a horrid way of expressing his love, but he wanted to make it up to Neal.

Stroking Neal’s hair back gently, he smiled faintly. Neal’s head tilted into the touch at first and then his eyes slowly began to open. He turned his head, looking up at the person who was touching him. He’d assumed it was Mozzie because Mozzie had been taking care of him all through the morning. He nearly screamed in terror when he realized it was Peter. He sat up quickly and scooted back on the bed to put distance between the two of them. “Why are you here? I told you to stay away.”

Peter held up a small paper bag. “I brought you some soup,” he whispered. Neal’s eyes held so much confusion in them, like he didn’t know what to believe. “I bought it on the way here—along with an espresso if you feel up to drinking that.”

“You’re… You’re not going to suffocate me with the bag, are you?” he whispered, terrified.

“No!” Peter said quickly, his eyes widening. “No, Neal. I brought this for you so you can have lunch without straining yourself.” He held the bag out towards Neal and watched the younger man eye it warily. Sighing, Peter set the bag down on the coffee table a short distance from Neal’s bedroom. He opened the bag and pulled a Styrofoam cup of hot soup out. He set it and the espresso down on the table and turned to look at Neal. “I’m honestly here to bring you lunch. I’m not here to…to hurt you.”

Neal warily threw his blanket back and scooted across the bed, sliding off of it. He stepped closer to Peter, keeping his eyes on the older man as he moved to take the soup. Peter backed away from him, gesturing for him to go ahead. Picking up the cup of soup, he felt nauseous again. He wasn’t sure if it were the soup or Peter’s presence in his apartment—alone. “Why?” was all he asked once he moved to sit down on the couch, opening the cup.

“Mozzie told me you weren’t feeling well. I thought this might…help,” he whispered. “I’ve been horrible to you—during all of our years together. Granted, we didn’t admit that love was involved until recently. I just…never thought you’d love me the way I love you.”

“I _don’t_ love you the way you love me,” he said firmly. “I don’t hit you. I don’t try to kill you.” Peter nodded, bowing his head. “I don’t instill terror into you. Peter, the way I love you is completely different.” He held up his right hand after setting the cup on his thigh. “You beat and choked me because I didn’t have this on my _left hand._ I don’t know how you can even say you love me.”

Peter wanted to caress Neal’s face, but he stayed where he was, giving Neal a sense of safety. “I’ll admit that I haven’t proven that I love you, but I adore you, Neal.” He heard Neal make a sound of disbelief. “I want to change. I don’t want to be that man anymore. I want to go back to being who I was when you fell in love with me.”

Neal sighed heavily, shaking his head. “Do you remember when we fucked under one of the tables at one of those Bureau Commendation dinners you took me to?” Peter nodded. “Do you remember what you said to me when we finished?”

“Your smile is as beautiful as the stars and as vibrant as the sun,” Peter whispered.

Neal was surprised that Peter actually remembered that. “I haven’t been able to smile that way in a long time. You made me smile that way then and I smile the way I do now because of you. Have you been able to see the difference?”

Peter nodded, whispering, “You were much happier then than you are now. I’ve abused you more now than I did back then. You were actually willing to put up with me then.”

“I’m still very in love with you and I don’t know if I should consider myself dumb because of it.” He began to eat the soup, craving it a little more than he had when Peter first arrived. He told himself that it might be because Peter was acting decent. “There’s an extent to which I can enjoy the abuse you put me through, but that’s…usually in the bedroom,” he whispered. “How you’ve been treating me has hurt me in more ways than one. You never scared me so much before. And now I’m afraid to be around you because I don’t know what I’m going to do to set you off. You’ve…really changed.”

The older man slowly neared Neal, moving to take a seat beside him. He was glad Neal let him sit down. “I want to go back to who I was before. I don’t want you to avoid me and be afraid of me.” Tentatively, he rested a hand on Neal’s thigh, giving him a faint smile. “I want to be alone with you without you worrying that I’ll turn on you. I don’t even know why I’ve been acting the way I have. I had a little alcohol during some parts of it, but I’ve never acted that way before—not with you.”

Neal frowned. “Maybe it’s just me. I’m the cause of a lot of problems for you, so it’s no surprise that I’ve brought this out in you, I guess.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s thigh and then decided to stroke Neal’s hair even after Neal tensed up. Neal was just waiting for Peter to strike him, so Peter was doing his best to comfort Neal. He wanted Neal to trust him again and he knew he’d have to work extremely hard to earn it. “You don’t cause a lot of problems,” he whispered. “You can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes, but you’ve never once warranted any of the hell I’ve put you through. I’m the only one to blame.”

Searching Peter’s eyes, Neal whispered, “Are you fucking with me?”

“No,” Peter admitted. “I mean, I’d like to be fucking with you in one sense… In the sense you’re asking about, no. I’m not fucking with you, Neal.”

“We’re not _fucking_ fucking until I know I can trust you,” he whispered. “I’m more than a nice piece of ass for you—or at least I want to be more than that.” Peter nodded. “We need to repair our friendship before we can repair anything else.”

Peter slid his fingers down the side of Neal’s face. “I love you and I’m terribly sorry for all of the awful things I’ve put you through.” Neal kept watching Peter. He was trying to be as cautious as he could be because he had a life other than his own to take into consideration. Regardless of whether or not he ever told Peter, he had his baby’s life to worry about. For as terrifying as the whole situation seemed, he wasn’t looking at abortion as an option. He wasn’t going to be like his mother. He would accept his child into his life and give it all of his love. Whether or not Peter was in the picture, that was his game plan. He would be responsible. “How’s the soup?”

“Good,” Neal whispered. “Thank you.”

They were both quiet, staring at each other. “Are kisses off limits?”

Neal bit his lip, glancing down into the cup of soup. “It depends. If they’re innocent, then I’m okay with them. If you’re planning to kiss me the way you might before initiating sex, then don’t even bother.”

Peter leaned over a bit, gently taking the cup from Neal’s hands. He set it down on the table and then he caressed Neal’s face, kissing him gently. Both of their eyes closed as their lips moved slowly together. Neal was very wary about this kiss. Peter could take a sudden disliking to the way he kisses Peter and lash out at him. The last thing he wanted was for Peter to beat him and harm the baby he may never know about. It was Peter’s baby, but he wouldn’t let Peter into the baby’s life if Peter couldn’t even refrain from beating him.

“Relax,” Peter whispered when he pulled away from him just enough to breathe. “I promise I won’t hurt you.” Neal leaned towards him, but just barely. Peter’s lips, for once, felt nice against his. Peter wasn’t kissing him roughly. He told himself that this actually felt like a loving kiss would. He’d kissed his past girlfriends this way and Peter had kissed him this way when they’d first begun their sexual relationship. That was back when Peter was overbearingly sweet.

All of this was making Neal want to blurt out that he’s pregnant with Peter’s child, but he was reluctant because he was afraid. If things between them were going to get better, he wanted to do that without making Peter feel responsible for the child. He wanted to have a good relationship with Peter before their baby came into the picture. If they had a decent relationship by the time he either announced or gave birth to the baby, he may stay and allow Peter to become part of the child’s life. He only felt bad because he wouldn’t be able to say Peter was one of the fathers. That would cause so much strain between him and Elizabeth because this would be evidence that he’d been unfaithful, that he’d been intimate with someone else, someone he wasn’t married or dedicated to as completely as he was to her.

“Can I ask you something?” He pulled away from Peter, staring into his eyes. Peter nodded, his brows drawing together. “Have you ever tried to have a family with El?”

“Yes,” Peter said, sounding mildly curious. “We’ve been trying to have a baby for a long time, actually.” Neal nodded, lowering his gaze. Peter gently lifted Neal’s head by his chin. “Why do you ask?”

Telling him everything was on the very tip of his tongue, but he wouldn’t say it now. He couldn’t. What if he were wrong? That was the point of the second test. He’d wait a few days before taking it again just to make sure he was pregnant before he even began to consider telling Peter. Telling Mozzie was so much easier because he’d been, surprisingly, so accepting of the situation. Of course, he hadn’t explained why he was cautious about telling Peter. Mozzie would feel very differently if Neal were to tell him that he was being abused by Peter.

“I always wanted to start a family,” he said softly. That didn’t mean he planned on giving birth to any children, but he supposed he would have to deal with it. Eventually, he’d be able to completely accept that this was happening to him. He wasn’t necessarily in denial, but he didn’t want to believe this or the test. “If… _If_ things work out between us, would you want to have a family with me? With Elizabeth, I’m not sure how often we’d be together or how often you’d be able to visit, but—”

Peter hushed him. “I would love that. If El and I can’t have a baby together, you and I can easily adopt as a couple. By that point, maybe we’ll be able to tell El without worrying about a divorce.” Neal’s heart sank in that moment. _Adopt._ He had no idea how he was going to break the news to Peter with that being the focal point of Peter’s future plan to build a family with him. Adoption wasn’t exactly the same as actually conceiving and birthing a child together, which they would. “Hey,” Peter whispered. “Cheer up, Neal. Adoption will be just as nice as having an actual baby together. If, you know, things worked differently… If things were different, we could _have_ a baby together. Things will work out.”

Neal nodded, messing with the hem of his white undershirt. “I hope things work out.” He glanced at his stomach, feeling butterflies as he thought about the little life growing inside of him. Well, assuming his test had been an actual positive, which was his assumption from the beginning anyway.

They ended up curling up together on the couch with the television on. Peter’s arm was draped over Neal’s abdomen and it made him wonder how Peter would treat their unborn baby if he told Peter. Would he rub Neal’s stomach? Would he talk to it? He rested a hand over Peter’s, closing his eyes. “How’re you feeling, Neal?” Peter asked quietly.

“Not as bad as I did this morning,” he whispered. “I think the soup definitely helped, so thank you.”

Peter kissed his hair, murmuring, “I don’t like when you’re hurt, upset, or sick.” He gently squeezed Neal, minding his stomach. He still had the strange urge to be careful when it came to Neal’s stomach and he couldn’t understand why. It’d been months since the last time he’d punched Neal in the gut. It’d been much less time since he’d choked Neal. It’d been a little over a month since the last time they had sex and he regretted that last time they’d had together. He’d been sweet during it, but then things happened. Neal lost his erection partway through, which prompted a little bit of shame and argument. He hadn’t yelled at Neal then. He’d done everything he could to help him get it up again. It took a little while, but he vowed he wouldn’t thrust into Neal again until he’d gotten Neal hard again—and he’d managed to excite Neal.

Neal sighed quietly, shifting his body a bit to get more comfortable. “Are you really willing to change for me?”

“I’m going back to the man I was for you. I’m that man with Elizabeth, so I don’t see any reason why I should be someone else with you.”

“Do you resent me?” Peter made a shocked sound. “You live with Elizabeth and spend nights with her after being with me. I’m sure you feel guilty to some extent.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair again. “I don’t feel guilty for loving you, Neal, if that’s what you’re asking.” He rubbed Neal’s abdomen, making butterflies flutter in Neal’s stomach. “Even if El finds out that I’ve been with you, I’ll still love you—and I want to stay with you.” Neal scooted back a little to bring himself closer to Peter and Peter smiled. “Everything will be fine in the end. You’ll see.”

“I hope so, Peter, because I don’t want to be hurt anymore.”

Peter nodded against him, whispering, “I’ll protect you from everything—including myself.” He kept rubbing Neal’s stomach. He wanted to earn Neal’s trust back and he knew it would take time. He’d hurt their relationship too much. He’d hurt _Neal_ too much.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter have another frightening moment; Neal takes Mozzie to see an ultrasound.

Peter sat in his living room, holding the picture El had taken of him and Neal when they were going after the Detroit mob. He found it to be such a funny picture only because El didn’t realize he and Neal were screwing each other at the time, but she loved it.

Lost in his thoughts, he’d been startled by the slamming of the front door as Elizabeth came in. “Hey, hon,” he called out, still sounding distracted. He was tracing Neal’s lips in the picture, loving that small smile because he knew that, at the time, it was meant for him. They’d been in the early stages of their sexual relationship then, but he’d noticed that Neal wasn’t looking at him in a solely sexually hungry way. Neal had been in love with him from the start and neither of them even tried to admit that love was a big part of their relationship until things were heading downhill.

“Hi, hon,” El said, sounding irritated. He glanced at her, setting the picture down beside him—face down on the couch. “I worked with a very frustrating customer today,” she explained, “so I’m not in the best of moods.”

He nodded. “Do you want me to give you some alone time?”

“I’m going to take a nap. You can join me if you’d like or see if Neal needs you for anything.”

Peter desperately wanted to see Neal. It was Saturday and they weren’t needed yet, so he had no reason to call Neal over or go to his apartment. They’d been talking through a lot of things. It was mostly in person, but they’d discussed a lot of their personal issues via text message as well. He normally wasn’t one to talk about his feelings and such, but Neal wanted to get past their issues and Peter was willing to put the effort into trying for Neal. “If I go upstairs with you, we won’t be taking a nap,” he said, smiling slyly at her.

“Go play with Neal,” she said. “I’m not in the mood for _that_ right now, so I’d love an actual nap.”

 _Go play with Neal._ That’s what she’d said. He was so turned on by the thought of ‘playing’ with Neal again. It’s been at least six weeks since he and Neal had been intimate, but that was his own fault. He’d been horrible to Neal, so there was plenty of reason for him to want to keep Peter out of his bed.

He didn’t have to be told twice, so he texted Neal and asked if he could head over to the apartment. He waited until he had Neal’s permission before starting up the car. He was excited as soon as the text came in with, “ _That’d be great._ ”

It took him about fifteen minutes to get there, but the door was already open by the time he was heading up the stairway. He waltzed into the apartment like it was his own home and turned towards Neal bed, only to see that Neal wasn’t there. His brows furrowed as he looked around and saw no sign of Neal. “Neal?” he called out. He headed over towards the narrow hallway past the kitchenette and wandered down it. That was when he heard Neal getting sick in the bathroom. “Neal, are you okay?” he asked from the other side of the door. He didn’t want to barge in and make Neal feel worse.

Peter swore he heard Neal gasp before Neal frantically said, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” The toilet flushed a moment later and the water in the sink turned on, followed by the sound of Neal spitting into the sink. It took almost two minutes before Neal opened the door, looking as sick as he had two weeks earlier. “Hey. Sorry about that.”

“You’re sick again?”

Neal shrugged. “Ate too quickly this morning,” he said. Peter could see that it was an excuse. It made him wonder if Neal were doing unhealthy things that harmed himself. He knew he’d made Neal miserable for a time, but he didn’t want Neal to force himself to throw up because of that. “So what’s up?” he asked as he went to sit down on the couch.

Peter followed him, watching him curiously. Neal was acting strange. He looked a little different, too. “Nothing much. Just wanted to see you.”

The younger man smiled. “I’m always eager to see you.” That made Peter feel pretty good until he realized that Neal was only eager to see him when he wasn’t in the mood to beat Neal. Fortunately, he’s been pretty calm for the last couple of weeks. He hadn’t once raised a hand to hit his lover in that period of time, which Neal really appreciated.

Seven weeks into the pregnancy—that had been confirmed by the second test and his OB-GYN practitioner—and Neal still hadn’t told Peter. He’d been talking to his personal doctor about recommended OB-GYN professionals and he was grateful to find someone who took him and his baby seriously. He’d tried searching for a few doctors over the years, but this one… She believed him when he told her about his condition and she was the one he trusted with his secret. Other doctors were aware that his hormones had been messed around with, but she was the only one to know he was able to get pregnant. Now that he _is_ pregnant, she was working with him and encouraging him despite the fact that he wasn’t involving the baby’s other father. The OB-GYN center he was visiting wasn’t pressuring him to bring Peter along and he was grateful for that.

Prior to this whole experience, he felt that he’d be forced into bringing Peter along. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. He was perfectly fine with going on his own and it was really interesting to him now that he was past his ‘this cannot possibly happen to me’ stage. It was possible and it had happened, so he was moving past that point to make sure he was doing all that he needed to. Prenatal care was a whole new experience for him.

“Are you feeling all right this morning?”

Neal nodded, pulling his legs up onto the couch. Peter wasn’t used to seeing Neal so relaxed around him. He’d gotten used to making himself feel guilty because Neal was always so tense and afraid when they were alone together. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I’m just fine.”

Peter, the more he stared at Neal, noted that Neal looked like he was glowing. That made no sense to him at all because he’d been with Neal for years and never saw him like that unless he was extremely happy. Even then, he wasn’t glowing the way he did now. “Why are you so happy this morning?”

Neal raised an eyebrow as he returned Peter’s gaze. “Am I not allowed to be happy?”

“I didn’t say that. I’m just wondering what’s got you all upbeat, especially since you were throwing up when I got here.” Neal shrugged and that was when _something_ dawned on Peter. He, naturally, wasn’t correct, but he made an assumption anyway. “You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you?” Before Neal had the chance to respond, Peter hit him with a barrage of questions. “Is he better than me? What’s special about him? Why didn’t you tell me?”

The younger man stared at his lover in confusion. “I’m not seeing anyone else, Peter. I’m just with you.”

“You couldn’t possibly be this happy if you’re just seeing me,” Peter snapped. “Who else are you with, Neal? Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” Neal insisted, sitting up a little straighter. “I’m only with you. I haven’t been with anyone else since we started, you know… It’s just been you.” Neal gave Peter a look a moment later. “And if I _was_ with someone else, why would you care? You’re with Elizabeth and me at the same time.”

Peter startled Neal when he lunged towards him. He barely managed to stop himself from getting physical. “No one else is allowed to have you,” he hissed. Neal looked frightened as he stared at his lover, frozen. “You’re mine,” he whispered, “and mine alone.”

Neal took a few moments to regain his senses. “I’m not _yours._ Elizabeth is yours. I’m just the whore,” he said quietly. He flinched a split second before Peter backhanded him. As always, he’d struck Neal’s cheekbone. He seemed to have a knack of doing that.

“You’re not my whore,” Peter growled. “You’re so much more than a whore to me.”

The younger man was mortified. If he wasn’t a whore, then why did Peter hit him? “Peter, there’s no reason to be jealous or possessive. I’m not with anyone else.” Peter looked like he seriously doubted Neal now and that hurt Neal deeply. He wanted Peter to trust him, but he seemed to lose Peter’s trust at any given time for no reason at all.

He’d sworn off dating other people once he finally got the one he wanted—Peter. When Peter began to abuse him, he’d considered going back to his old ways. Instead, he remained faithful. To this day, he still had no idea why he hadn’t cheated on Peter. Now that he was pregnant, he didn’t want to be with anyone else. His baby is Peter’s. If he planned on having a full-fledged family someday, he wanted his children to be with the same person. Whether he impregnated his lover or he himself was impregnated, he wanted to have one partner be the other parent only. He didn’t want children with different partners.

“You obviously consider yourself a whore for some reason. Why else if you’re not cheating on me?”

Neal’s heart broke on his face as he stared up at Peter. “Please believe me when I say you’re the only man I’m with,” he whispered. “You’re the only man I’ve _ever_ been with.”

“How many women are you seeing on the side?” Neal gave him a look of confusion. Peter grabbed Neal’s wrists and yanked him up from the couch. “You’re bisexual. I may be the only man you’re with. How many women?”

“None. None, I swear,” he said, pleading for Peter to understand.

Peter pulled him roughly, shoving him in the direction of Neal’s bed. “Prove it then,” he hissed. “Prove that I’m the one who makes you happy.”

Neal, palms against his mattress, glanced over his shoulder fearfully. “How am I supposed to do that?”

The older man stalked towards him, grabbing Neal’s hips. “You call yourself a whore. Do what whores do.” Neal stared up at him, begging him silently to calm down. “Now!” he snarled.

“No,” Neal said. He tried to push himself off of the bed and Peter shoved him down, grabbing his wrists to pin them behind Neal’s back. “Peter, stop,” he begged. “I’m not lying to you! I swear!” Peter’s free hand tugged Neal’s pants and underwear down just below Neal’s stomach and then unzipped his own jeans. “Peter, don’t!”

“Then do it yourself,” Peter hissed, letting go of Neal’s wrists. Neal straightened up, turning around to face Peter. Peter shoved him onto the bed and crawled on top of him. “You think you’re a whore, so there must be a reason. How many side dishes do you have? How many of them are you lying to?”

Neal struggled to breathe as he froze in fear. He knew he shouldn’t have let himself believe Peter was going to change. The last two weeks had been great, but Peter was volatile—highly volatile. “You’re the only one I’m with,” he whispered. “I haven’t been with anyone else since you.” He stared at Peter’s face, wishing he could go back and use some other word that wouldn’t have set Peter off.

“I’m going to fuck you,” Peter whispered fiercely, “and you’re going to lie there like you do for all of the other men I’m sure you’ve been with.” Neal’s lips parted in horror. When had their trust been destroyed this much? What had he done to lose Peter’s trust? “If you move, I’ll hit you. Fair warning.” He didn’t move when Peter leaned towards the nightstand, grabbing the lube and a condom. “Hm,” he muttered as he looked at Neal’s horrorstricken face. “Maybe I shouldn’t worry about the lube today. Hell, I could probably just skip the condom and lube altogether. Unless you’ve been with other men, which would be the explanation for always wanting to use a condom with me.”

This was a side of Peter he wished he could change. Normally, he wouldn’t be the kind of person to want to change his partner, but he wanted to change Peter. He wanted to rip the monster out of Peter and bring back the honorable man and FBI agent he knew and loved. “You don’t want to do this,” Neal stammered. “Peter, if you really love me, you won’t do this.” Peter simply stared at him, debating on whether or not he wanted to violate Neal’s body without Neal’s permission. “Do you love me?” he asked softly as tears welled up in his eyes. “Do you really want to do this to me?”

Neal hated himself for seeming so damned weak, but he was afraid to fight back. He didn’t want to make things worse because Peter may actually beat him and inadvertently hurt their baby. If Peter ever made a move to hurt the baby, Neal would do his damnedest to stay out of Peter’s way. Peter could go fuck himself for all he cares. His biggest concern was the little life growing inside of him, especially if Peter wanted nothing to do with it. “No,” Peter muttered, backing off. He averted his eyes, but he was still straddling Neal. “Just tell me honestly. Who else are you with?”

“I’m not lying when I say I’m only with you,” Neal whispered. “I’ve never lied to you.”

“Your entire career is based on lies.”

The younger man rolled his eyes and groaned in frustration. “When are you going to see me as a man instead of a con?” Peter was silent then and Neal sighed. “Peter, why do you keep coming back to me? You think I’m unfaithful, lying, or just being an all-around-asshole whenever you’re with me. You’ve always got the urge to hit me and—”

Peter’s glare silenced Neal immediately. “Have you, at any point in our sexual relationship or otherwise, cheated on me?”

Neal made direct eye contact with Peter, stating, “No,” with as much confidence in himself as he could muster. He didn’t have anything to hide from Peter—aside from the fact that he was carrying Peter’s child. He had no relationship to keep a secret other than the relationship he had with Peter. “Never once have I cheated on you or made an attempt to cheat on you.” Peter was silent as he analyzed Neal, wondering if he were actually being truthful or if this was another one of those tests Neal was forced to take and passed only because he’d cheated. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. Not even Kate. You… You mean more to me than she ever did.” Peter nodded and scooted off to the side, allowing Neal to sit up. “I haven’t been with any women since we got together and you’re the only man I’ve been with.”

“Tell me what you want, Neal.” Neal was confused. He had no idea what Peter was asking of him. Did he want to know if Neal wanted to stay or if Neal wanted to walk away? Did he want to know if Neal actually wanted him? “I’ll do anything to keep you with me. I want to make you happy to be with me. I want you to be excited to see me and I want you to love me.”/p>

“I do love you,” Neal said softly, lifting his left hand to stroke Peter’s arm gently. “If you can keep putting effort into making this work, that’s all I need. I don’t want you to beat me anymore. It hurts me more than just physically.”

Peter glanced at his younger lover, seeing that hurt in Neal’s eyes. It wasn’t only fear. Deep down, Peter knew Neal was angry. He’d never truly deserved any of this abuse and Peter knew Neal would snap eventually. It was only a matter of time before he pushed Neal too far. “I don’t understand why I treat you this way.”

Neal shrugged ever so slightly. “Maybe it’s just the dynamics of our relationship versus those of your relationship with El. You’re married to her, so you’re closer to her—more intimate. You live together, eat together, sleep together every single day. You and I—we don’t have that closeness.” Peter remained silent as he listened to Neal. He was making a little bit of sense to Peter. “We have sexual intimacy, but we don’t have _intimacy._ We’ve never spent a whole night in bed together, talking through our problems, frustrations, or considering our future.” He frowned then, looking down at the mattress. “Maybe the problem is that there isn’t a future for us.”

“Do you want a future with me?” Neal didn’t nod or shake his head. He didn’t want to put things into Peter’s mind and make Peter regret leaving Elizabeth. He didn’t want to put Peter in that kind of position. “Neal, you should be honest with me if you expect me to be honest with you.”

“We can’t have a future together,” he whispered. Glancing at his stomach, he realized that not even the baby would be able to make a difference. The baby would more than likely only burden Peter with the fear that he’d get caught for impregnating his consultant. As he’d said to Mozzie a couple weeks ago, he’d probably have to make a break for it as soon as he began to show. He didn’t want to be the reason Peter was forced to leave the FBI. He could ruin his own life and be unable to return to New York and his lover. It hurt to think that he may be inadvertently harming their child, but he needed to do what was best for him and Peter at the moment. Peter’s job is important to Peter and Neal didn’t want him to lose that.

Before their conversation could continue, a rapid succession of well-planned knocks hit the door. Neal sighed and got up, heading over to open the door with Peter trailing behind him. Neal pulled the door open and Mozzie stared at the pair in front of him. “Am I interrupting anything?”

“No,” Peter said hurriedly, glancing at Neal briefly. “I was just leaving actually.”

And he did leave—very quickly.

•◊•

“You’re kind of…down today.” Neal glanced at Mozzie miserably. Since his odd friend was the only one who knew what Peter didn’t, he’d been relieved by the fact that Mozzie chose to come over so he could talk to Mozzie. As soon as Mozzie came over, Neal clammed up. It was like he didn’t know how to speak his mind because he was extremely upset and Mozzie couldn’t help because he didn’t understand. Neal wouldn’t even clue him in just enough for him to give some advice or suggestions. “Neal, is the baby okay?”

Neal nodded. “Everything with the baby is just fine. It’s… It’s me and Peter.” Mozzie sat on the table in front of Neal silently, watching his best friend subconsciously rub his own stomach. He found it intriguing, watching the man who admitted he never wanted to be pregnant becoming so attached to the life inside of him. “I might just run earlier than I’d planned. I can’t tell him at any point that it’s his—or that this is even possible.”

Mozzie’s brows furrowed. “You don’t think you can trust him?”

“I…can. I just don’t want to ruin what he has here. He has El and I don’t want to hurt her either.” Mozzie nodded, understanding Neal’s reasoning. “I… I love him, but loving him and forcing this baby on him is wrong.” For a split second, Mozzie believed that was Neal’s way of saying he was considering an abortion.

“Neal, even if you don’t want it, you can put it up for—”

“ _No,_ ” he growled. “I’m not putting my baby up for adoption.” Mozzie raised his hands defensively, silently apologizing for stepping into territory that was sensitive for his best friend. Neal sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. “I’m sorry. It’s a touchy subject because of my mother. I don’t want to be her.”

Mozzie nodded slowly. “You don’t want to abandon your child or treat it like some kind of aberration.”

Neal swallowed hard before nodding. “I want it to have what I didn’t. I want it to feel loved and safe with me. My mother could never even look at me.” Mozzie sympathized for him, wishing he could have changed Neal’s childhood just a little. “She told me when I was twelve that I was a mistake and she wished she’d given me up.” He smiled sadly, closing his eyes as his fingers spread over his stomach. “I don’t ever want this baby to feel like it’s a mistake. It wasn’t planned, but it’s not a mistake. I’ll never treat it like that—like it’s something I don’t want.” Mozzie could see that his best friend was struggling with his emotions. “I spent so many years being afraid of the idea that I’d get pregnant, but I wasn’t with a man until I met Peter. He’s the father of this baby and I don’t want to get rid of it even if we’re not on the best of terms. It won’t be just a reminder of Peter to me. It’ll be my little one that I made and gave birth to.” Tears slid down the side of his face as he actually thought about loving his baby when it was born. Now that he’d come to terms with the pregnancy, he was eager to have the baby in his arms.

Resting a hand on Neal’s thigh, Mozzie asked, “What’s next in this interesting, unique journey of yours?”

“I go back next week for an ultrasound,” Neal said quietly. “The nurse was looking for a heartbeat last time and said it wasn’t there yet, so she wants me to come back and we’ll see if there’s a heartbeat then. I panicked when she said it wasn’t there, but she told me it was okay because the baby wasn’t big enough to cause concern.”

Mozzie’s face heated up a bit. “If you ever want any company on these visits…”

Neal couldn’t help smiling at his oldest friend. “I wouldn’t say no if Uncle Mozzie asked to come along to see his…niece or nephew.” He raised an eyebrow, asking, “Am I even able to have a girl? I mean, Peter and I are both men.”

“It’s possible, I suppose. All it would take are two x-chromosomes, which both of you have put into this pregnancy. With your y-chromosomes, it’s also very likely that you can have a son, too.” Watching his friend cautiously, he asked, “What are you hoping to have?”

“I don’t care as long as it’s healthy,” he said adamantly, rubbing his stomach. “I’m not concerned with what it is nor do I want to set expectations for it. All I want is a healthy baby.”

“That’s very mature for you.”

Neal glared at him for a split second. “I’m pushing forty. If I have this baby and it survives the pregnancy without complications, I’ll be the happiest man alive.”

Mozzie smiled. “Mon frère, you still have a couple years to go yet before you’re forty. You just turned thirty-seven five months ago.” Neal chuckled. “Your little one was conceived in June, so it should be born sometime in…January.” He made an impressed sound, proud of himself for determining that. “You’ll have a bubbly three year old on your hands when you’re forty—and don’t forget that Suit is already in his forties.”

“He’s forty-one.”

“And he’ll be forty-two by the time the baby’s born, which will put him at sixty when your child is graduating high school.” Neal’s eyes widened. He hadn’t even thought that far into the future, but Mozzie was right. “Oh, I don’t know why you’re getting all ‘oh, God’ on me. I’ll practically be in my seventies when I watch him or her graduate.”

Neal shook his head. “At least I’m having it now, which gives me plenty of time to watch it grow up.”

“Definitely,” Mozzie said softly, smiling at the man he considered his best friend and little brother.

•◊•

Neal laid back on the table, watching the nurse move around. He glanced over at Mozzie, knowing the older man was curious and would probably feel a little awkward shortly. “So is he the other father?” the practitioner asked him softly.

“No,” Neal answered. “He’s going to be the uncle.” She smiled, nodding. “The other father and I aren’t… He still doesn’t know.”

Again, she nodded. That was none of her business and she wasn’t going to tell him that he should inform Peter. She knew she had no right in telling him how to live his life. Mozzie watched, intrigued, as she rubbed gel on Neal’s stomach. “Hopefully, we’ll be able to see your baby’s heartbeat this time,” she said, smiling at him as she got him all set up and comfortable. She grabbed the ultrasound transducer and began to rub it over his stomach. Both Neal and Mozzie glanced at the screen to see a little floating thing. “That’s your little one,” the practitioner told him. He was awestruck because it was so _tiny._

She pointed out the heartbeat to them both and Mozzie looked at Neal to see his reaction. The look of awe and happiness that spread across Neal’s features amazed Mozzie. He remembered being there a couple weeks ago when Neal discovered that he was pregnant. Looking at him now, he saw a completely different man. He’d seen Neal cry as he revealed to him that he’d be hormonally altered and he was carrying Peter’s child. Now, he was seeing a man who looked like he was all for this with genuine happiness.

As the gel was being cleaned off of Neal’s stomach a short while later, Mozzie could see that his best friend had been crying ever so slightly. Neal didn’t ask for a sonogram. He didn’t want anything lying around for Peter to find and the baby was just a blob inside of him at the moment. He’d definitely get a sonogram when the baby was more developed. He wasn’t going to show anyone, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t want it.

They left the center and were walking back to Neal’s apartment. Neal didn’t mind the walk. He was told that it would be good exercise for him as the baby grew and he liked having a walking buddy. “Your hormones are definitely out of whack.” Neal raised an eyebrow, glancing down at his friend. “I’ve never seen you cry like that before.”

“My baby’s forming inside of me. It’s amazing to just…see it.” He smiled to himself, murmuring, “I’m excited now. I know it’s strange to be excited considering this entire pregnancy is risky for the baby according to my doctor.” It was Mozzie’s turn to be a little lost. “My body isn’t necessarily made to carry a baby,” he said. “I’ll stretch to accommodate it, but my doctor is worried that something will go wrong because I don’t have any of the reproductive organs that women have to maintain and endure a pregnancy.”

Mozzie was concerned now. Neal hadn’t told him that before. “You mean, there’s a possibility that you might die from this?”

“No,” Neal said reassuringly. “I’d live. It’s…the baby that might die.” He frowned, looking down at the ground as they continued to walk. “The worst I’d get would be a scar. I don’t want to lose the baby.”

“I think you’ll be fine,” Mozzie said quietly.

Neal nodded slowly. “Not that it matters, but do you think Peter would still be interested in me with a scar?”

Mozzie raised an eyebrow. “Assuming you tell him that you’re pregnant by the time you give birth without making a break for it, I honestly don’t know. Whether or not he’s there to experience the birth may matter. If he’s there during the birth, he’ll be very aware of your scar’s formation and such. It won’t be like taking your shirt off for the first time in front of him just to shock the hell out of him.” He rested a hand on Neal’s back, rubbing gently for a brief moment. “You’re bringing his child into this world. I’m fairly certain he’d still be interested in you after the fact.”

“I’m not afraid to tell you that I love him, Moz. Peter and I have issues as a pair or couple—whatever you want to call it—and I’m concerned with how that would affect our parental connection to the baby. I don’t know how he’ll be once the baby’s born or if I even want him involved in the baby’s life.”

“All of these answers will come to you in time, mon frère,” Mozzie said softly. “You are the only one in control right now. You’ve got the baby inside of your body and you’re going to have it ripped from your body. The decisions are solely yours to make.”

Neal shook his head. “If I ever tell Peter, it’ll be the two of us. If I keep this from him, I’ll make it as a single father.”

“With the baby’s uncle,” Mozzie added, nudging Neal’s arm with his elbow.

Neal chuckled, nodding. “With his or her uncle—certainly.”

They arrived at the apartment and settled down. Mozzie went to pull out the wine for himself while Neal went into his bedroom to put his phone on the charger. That was when he saw a small, folded paper on his pillow. Curious, he walked over to his bed and picked it up. ‘ _Neal, my love, I gave things a lot of thought and realized that I could’ve really hurt you earlier and not only physically._ ’ Neal was only slightly proud of the fact that Peter was beginning to see all of this without him having to constantly point it out. ‘ _I want to take you on an actual date. We can either go out to a restaurant of your choosing or I could cook for you at my place._ ’ Neal wondered how the hell they were going to pull that off with Elizabeth home. That was when he realized the postscript answered his thoughts. ‘ _Elizabeth is going out of town for a week. We could have a nice dinner alone—together._ ’ Neal smiled faintly, uncertain as to whether or not he wanted to subject himself to that. He wouldn’t be able to have sex with Peter in Peter’s bedroom because he didn’t want to defile what Peter and Elizabeth do in their bed, so he figured there would only be dinner and then maybe some relaxing together on the couch. ‘ _Take your time to think about this. Elizabeth doesn’t leave for another four weeks, so you have plenty of time. I love you and really hope you give this actual consideration. Love always, your Peter._ ’ He underlined ‘your’ and it made butterflies flutter in his stomach.

He wasn’t sure how believable Peter’s note was, but he’d give it some thought. The idea of having a romantic dinner with Peter sounded really appealing, especially if Peter cooked for them. Neal folded the note again and set it down on his nightstand, smiling to himself. Even when Peter was abusive, Neal knew that Peter would be the man he adored at some point following the abuse. He just hoped they could make it through an entire date—their first—without Peter abusing him. He’d love to spend a night with Peter that went relatively well without having to worry that his life and the baby’s life was at risk.

He wouldn’t allow himself to endure abuse by that point. Losing the baby would kill him and may actually lead him to murder, which would undoubtedly result in murdering the man he loves. He didn’t want to think about it like that, but he was hopeful that Peter would take it easy and come to his senses. If Peter could relax and make Neal feel safe around, he might actually tell Peter about the baby. Until then, it was a secret he wanted to keep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner doesn't go as planned.

Peter was setting up the dinner table quickly, hating himself for waiting until the last possible moment that he could. Neal was on his way over and the food wasn’t even ready yet. He had the wine in a bucket of ice on the table, but he felt like the evening was going to be a disaster. It was supposed to be special because he rarely did nice things for Neal outside of saving his ass repeatedly when he decided to pull a reckless con. Even then, he’d always gotten Neal alone afterwards and beat him. Saving Neal from prison was his prerogative, but he couldn’t save Neal from himself. What kind of lawman was he if he beat his criminal informant? He had nightmares that he’d killed Neal and it was so devastating, even as he woke up and texted Neal to ask if he was going in to work. He didn’t want to tell Neal he dreamt about murdering him, so he chose to ask about work instead.

The knock on the door startled him out of his morbid line of thought. He darted over to the door and pulled the drapes back for a moment before opening the door. Neal’s smile was so sweet and it made Peter’s heart melt. “Hey,” he said quietly.

“Hey, you,” Peter responded, resting a hand on Neal’s hip as he leaned forward and kissed him gently. He waved for Neal to come in and shut the door after him.

“That your patented pot roast?”

Peter chuckled. “Yes, it is.” He glanced at Neal, watching him stand there awkwardly. “Take your jacket off, baby. Make yourself at home.” He didn’t see the way Neal’s eyes widened. Neal was taken off guard by the ‘baby’ reference because only Mozzie and his doctors knew. The only person who could have possibly told Peter would have to be Mozzie and he’d _massacre_ Mozzie’s safe houses and then Mozzie himself if he found out that Mozzie went behind his back and told Peter.

Neal slid his jacket off and glanced at his stomach, making sure he wasn’t showing very much. He had a slight bump forming now that he was twelve weeks into the pregnancy and he didn’t know how he was going to hide it if he and Peter were going to have sex. He could just say his diet changed and he’s been putting on some weight. That excuse wouldn’t work very long though. “What sides did you make?”

“Carrots and potatoes.” Neal thought that was perfect. The starch in the potatoes would give him an excuse. That’s how he was rationalizing it because he really didn’t want Peter to know. He’d gotten involved with a psychologist who was also very understanding of his situation and she was talking him through some of his minor emotional instabilities because of Peter. She suggested that he should probably tell Peter at some point, but the decision was ultimately his and his alone. Part of the process was letting him know that he’s no one’s plaything or puppet—he can make decisions for himself and for his baby.

“Sounds yummy.”

He walked into Peter’s line of sight and Peter was looking at him hungrily. “ _You_ look and sound yummy.” Peter was so used to seeing Neal in suits and other formal attire, so seeing him in jeans and a loose fitting shirt was new and he liked it. Neal’s cheeks heated up under Peter’s scrutiny. He liked it, but he didn’t at the same time. “I didn’t make any mention of this beforehand, but I thought I’d ask you now,” Peter said quietly. Neal nodded, taking a seat at the little island in the kitchen while Peter finished up with the food. “Are you against having sex with me?”

Neal hesitated. “No. I like having sex with you,” he admitted. “I’m not sure if that’s the best thing for us right now, but I do miss it.”

Peter smiled at him. “Would you be up for some playtime after dinner or at some point tonight? You could even spend the night if you want.”

“I’m not going to have sex with you in the bed you and El share,” he said, making sure Peter was aware of that. He felt that he didn’t belong in that bedroom, so he refused to go in there.

“Oh. That’s okay,” he said, sounding like he was honestly okay with that. Neal thought it would upset Peter, so he was a little surprised. “We have plenty of other places to make our own,” he said with a wink. “We have a guestroom for starters. That bed is nice.”

Neal laughed lightly, shaking his head. “We’ll see how the night goes.”

Peter perked up a bit. Neal hadn’t said yes, but he hadn’t said no either. It’d been more than two months since the last time he and Neal had sex, so he was truly craving it. He wanted to rub the hard planes of Neal’s chest and abdomen, kiss his Adam’s apple, and suck Neal’s dick. Elizabeth was satisfying enough for him, but she was delicate and soft. Neal is firm, masculine, and his skin is soft as well—all good things in Peter’s book. He wanted to be inside of Neal because, even after all of their years together, Neal was still tighter than Elizabeth and Neal’s reactions were so much more animated and realistic. “You look nice by the way,” he said, sounding a little shy or embarrassed.

“Really?” Peter nodded, giving him a small smile. “Thanks, Peter,” he whispered, returning the smile. “You look as handsome as always.”

The older man waved off the compliment. “There’s no need to discuss my appearance when you’re in the room. Nobody will be looking at me.”

Neal raised an eyebrow, challenging Peter’s statement. “ _I’m_ looking at you.”

Peter laughed a little, sounding kind of nervous. He didn’t think he was all that attractive, especially while standing beside Elizabeth or Neal—or _both of them._ “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Neal said instantly. He looked sheepish when he realized he’d had such an automatic response. Peter loved it though. He glanced at the food to make sure it wasn’t burning before moving closer to Neal, kissing him over the counter. Every time Peter kissed him sweetly, Neal was tempted to tell Peter everything. He’s getting pretty far into his pregnancy, so he’d have to tell Peter soon. Having just passed the first trimester, he felt a little more confident about himself and his ability to keep the baby.

Both men got up to dish out their own food once it was done. Peter watched Neal put a lot onto his plate and was instantly curious. Neal never ate that much in one sitting before. He was usually a very light eater. “Hungry tonight?”

“Hm?” He glanced up at Peter and then realized Peter was eyeing his plate. “Oh. Yeah, a little. I skipped lunch today.” He hadn’t actually skipped lunch, but it’d been a lighter lunch than he’d been having.

The two went to the dinner table and sat across from each other. Peter kept his eyes on Neal, watching him to gauge how comfortable or happy he is. “We haven’t talked about…us in a while,” he said quietly, hoping Neal would take the bait and talk to him. He’d been trying so hard to make Neal feel loved, wanted, and cared for. The thing that bothered him was that he couldn’t tell if he were actually making a difference or not. Neal seemed too neutral at times, so Peter had no idea how Neal felt nor could he guess what Neal was thinking most times. He did, however, realize that something was always on Neal’s mind. For the last several weeks, he’d seen Neal get lost in thought.

Neal would stare at his desktop at work, eventually snapping out of it when someone wanted to speak to him. Peter knew he was zoning out when he sat completely still with his fingers folded, pressed against his lips. Having caught Neal doing that a _lot,_ he really wanted to know if something he did upset Neal. “We haven’t done much together outside of work lately.”

Peter nodded slowly. “Well, I’ve tried calling you a few times.”

The younger man felt trapped for a split second. He’d been going to sleep earlier than usual because of the pregnancy. He wasn’t exhausted due to anything else. By the time morning came, he always felt bad because he didn’t return Peter’s call since he’d fallen asleep. “I think I’m still a little sick. I haven’t been feeling well, so I’ve been going to bed early.”

“I’m really concerned,” Peter admitted. “You’ve been sick for a while now. Maybe we should get you to a doctor to see what’s going on.” Neal gave him a small smile, reaching out across the table to take Peter’s hand in his. “I mean it. I can’t tell if you’re inadvertently harming yourself or if you’re actually sick.”

Neal’s brows furrowed. “Harming myself?”

“Every time I’m around, you’re throwing up.”

“I’m not throwing up right now,” Neal whispered. Peter stared at him, watching Neal’s expression that was still surprisingly passive. “I’ll be fine soon, Peter. Don’t worry.”

Peter squeezed Neal’s hand a little too firmly for Neal’s comfort. “I can’t help it. Are you hurting yourself because I’ve hurt you?”

Neal gave him an incredulous look. “No, Peter. I’m not hurting myself at all.”

“Then why are you constantly throwing up?”

Peter kept asking him question after question, wondering why Neal didn’t want to spend time with him anymore, why Neal never asked for sex, and why Neal was spending so much time with Mozzie. “Are you following me?” Neal asked, raising his voice.

“You are on a government issued tracking anklet,” Peter said. “You’ve been going to some really off-the-wall places lately that are pretty private.”

“I’m not doing anything illegal.”

“Then what are you doing?” Neal swallowed hard, staring at his lover fearfully. He didn’t have an excuse this time. “What are you doing, Neal?” he asked tightly, his anger bleeding into his voice. Neal shuddered, feeling a little nauseous. He was internally begging the baby to calm down because he really didn’t want to throw up again right after Peter brought it up. He hadn’t even eaten that much to warrant getting sick under normal circumstances. Neal startled when Peter’s fist slammed onto the table. “You’re going to get yourself thrown back into prison for whatever you’re doing that you’re not telling me about.”

Neal shook his head. “No, I won’t,” he said defensively.

Peter gaped at him. “Then why can’t you tell me what it is that you’re constantly doing?”

“I swear it’s not illegal.”

Peter rose from his seat and Neal instantly shoved his chair back, getting out of it to put distance between him and Peter. “Don’t make me do something stupid, Neal.” Neal stared at his lover, watching him raptly. “Tell me what you’re doing.”

Neal kept moving away from Peter regardless of where Peter moved. He didn’t want to be hit. He didn’t particularly care if he was hurt, but he didn’t want the baby to suffer. “Peter,” he warned as he practically ran to get away from the older man. He could see the anger in Peter’s eyes and he knew well enough by this point that he was going to be hurt if he didn’t do something.

Peter caught up to him and shoved him against a wall. Neal just barely managed to brace his body before his stomach could slam against the wall. He was breathing heavily, keeping his eyes on his stomach. He was putting up enough resistance to keep himself from standing flat against the wall. “You always tell me to be open, to be honest, yet you can’t do the same. This hypocritical bullshit has to stop eventually, Neal. I’m actually trying for _you_ and you’re the one who won’t put effort into this relationship now.”

If only Peter knew just how much effort he was putting into it… “Peter, get off,” he said firmly, trying to push himself backwards using the wall. Peter grabbed him by the hair and forced Neal onto his knees. He briefly noticed how protective Neal was of his stomach, but thought nothing of it. “Peter,” he whispered, staring up at his lover pleadingly. “Please,” he begged. “Can we just have a nice night together?”

Neal tried to push himself up from his knees, only to have Peter hit him square in the jaw. He fell backwards, landing on his ass, before his back hit the floor. He gasped as the baby made him well aware of the fact that it wanted Neal to empty out anything the baby didn’t want or need. “You’re always lying to me,” Peter snarled. Neal barely moved. He was too afraid to, so he stayed on his back even though he knew he was in a very vulnerable position. “Tell me the truth. Tell me what it is that you’ve been doing or I’ll find out myself.”

The younger man was trying to contain the urge to get sick. He was getting used to the fact that morning sickness wasn’t strictly meant to happen in the morning, but this was so inconvenient. He’d have to run all the way upstairs to get to the bathroom. The kitchen sink was right there, but Peter had dishes in it. If he threw up on the dishes, Peter would probably kill him. “I—”He gasped sharply, pushing himself up. He didn’t even consider the fact that Peter was following him as he ran like hell.

Peter probably thought Neal was trying to escape, but Neal went right for the bathroom, throwing the lid and seat up just in time to fall to his knees and empty his stomach. He was waiting for the hit, the punch, the beating, but it never came. Instead, he felt Peter kneel behind him, resting a hand on his back. Tears slid down the sides of his face as he heaved into the toilet repeatedly, trying to satisfy the baby. He was afraid that Peter was going to hurt him for being so weak, but it made no sense that Peter was trying to soothe him after hitting him, verbally harassing him, and chasing him up the stairs to corner him.

“I’m sorry,” Peter said sadly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” Neal shook his head, resting his elbows on the toilet, holding his head in his hands with his eyes closed. Peter watched him, trying to figure out what was going on with his lover. “Maybe this is stress,” he suggested as Neal shifted back just enough to lie down. He needed a moment to breathe and Peter was allowing him that.

“This isn’t about me,” Neal whispered brokenly, breathing erratically. Peter was confused, wondering what it was then. Neal opened his tear-filled eyes, staring at Peter from an angle. His voice cracked as he practically sobbed, “You’re gonna be a _father._ ”

That was it. He’d said it. Now, he would just have to endure Peter’s laughter. Peter didn’t react. He simply stared at Neal in silence, looking stunned. “That’s impossible,” he whispered.

Neal shut his eyes tightly, gritting his teeth for a moment as he tried not to cry harder. “You’re my best friend,” he said fiercely, his voice barely above a whisper. “I wouldn’t lie to you.” In that moment, he grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it up enough so that Peter could see how honest he was being.

“What the _hell?_ ” he cried out, backing away from Neal. He knew this was impossible, but it was somehow possible. Neal wasn’t a woman. He definitely wasn’t transgender, so Peter didn’t understand. He’d sucked Neal’s dick, drank Neal’s seed, and licked Neal’s hole. There was no way in hell he would’ve missed the fact that his secret lover had a _vagina._ He most certainly didn’t, so this made absolutely no sense at all to Peter. “Neal, what the hell did I do to you?” he asked hysterically as Neal lowered his shirt.

Needing to see and feel the proof of this, Peter leaned forward and moved Neal’s shirt, resting his hand on the slightly noticeable bump his lover was sporting. It most definitely wasn’t fake. “You aren’t the reason this happened,” Neal promised him. His chest heaved as he struggled to calm down. He hadn’t had the slightest idea as to how he planned on breaking this to Peter at some point. He’d intended on running away, someday returning to tell Peter they had a child. What drove him to make his impromptu announcement was that he was afraid of Peter taking things too far when he planned to beat him.

“I’m not the…the father?”

Neal stared at Peter, looking so terrified. “You are. You’re the only man I’ve ever been with in my life,” he whispered. “You’re the only one who could possibly impregnate me.”

“How the hell is this even….? How the fuck are you, a definite man, pregnant?”

Peter remained still as Neal pushed himself up. He was absolutely mortified for once. All this time, Neal hadn’t been protecting only himself. He was protecting their child and that made Peter feel awful. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Neal felt. “I’ll spare you of all the bullshit since it won’t mean anything. In short, my mom never wanted to have a son. She wanted to get rid of me by killing me or leaving me somewhere for someone else, but she chose to have me genetically altered.” Peter stared at him in horror. “I have a lot of female hormones inside of me and about half or so of them give me the ability to carry a baby.” At the look on Peter’s face, his own face heated up and he hurriedly said, “I’m still a man. I’m just all sorts of fucked up.”

Neal flinched when Peter reached out to touch his stomach, rubbing over the bump. “How far along are you?” Neal was too afraid to tell him. He’s known for almost two months and he’d spent plenty of time with Peter in that period of time, which meant he had a lot of opportunity to tell Peter—and he chose not to. Peter glanced up at Neal’s face while he kept his hand against Neal’s stomach. “Neal, how far along are you?”

It took him quite some time before he answered and he did so with a great amount of reluctance. “Twelve weeks, three days.”

“How long have you known?” Peter was amazed by how emotional Neal became. Neal looked like he was having a panic attack while simultaneously enduring a breakdown. “Hey,” Peter whispered, lifting a hand to stroke Neal’s hair even as Neal covered his face. “Neal, it’s okay. It’s really okay, lover,” he promised. Neal’s shoulders shook as he sobbed until Peter scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Neal. “Don’t cry. I’m not going to hurt you. Just talk to me, Neal.”

Neal lowered his hands and leaned into Peter’s embrace. He looked up at Peter with tears in his eyes, telling him, “I found out when I was five weeks along. I know exactly when it happened.”

Peter knew, too. As soon as Neal told him he was twelve weeks along, he _knew._ “The night the condom broke.” Neal nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on Peter’s face. “You aren’t on any kind of birth control or something? How could you just use a condom to protect yourself against this? Neal, I didn’t want to put you through this and the fact that you couldn’t even tell me this is possible is indication enough that you didn’t want to get pregnant.”

Glaring at Peter defensively, Neal firmly said, “I was on birth control. Don’t assume I’m so fucking irresponsible.” Peter was taken aback by how angry Neal sounded. “It didn’t work. Don’t be an asshole. This is why I didn’t tell you.” Peter frowned, nodding slowly. “I never had to worry about it before because I wasn’t with anyone who could get me pregnant. I started up pills around the time I was told that I was able to conceive.”

“How long have you known this was possible?”

“Since I was eighteen.”

Twenty years—nearly twenty years, he’d known he could get pregnant. Not once in any of their several years together did Neal even attempt to tell Peter about this. It explained so much though. It explained Neal’s insistence that they use condoms and his anxiety if he felt that Peter was going to get carried away and forget about a condom. Now that he was able to reflect on pretty much every instance in which he could have pieced things together—albeit an insane situation—he realized how deeply he’d hurt Neal. This was well beyond a physical level.

Even giving consideration to what happened downstairs, Peter could see that Neal cared about the baby. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but he’d seen Neal brace himself before he’d been shoved against a wall. It was protection for their child and Peter hated himself. He was hurting Neal himself and that would harm the innocent life that was growing inside of his lover. “I am _so_ sorry,” Peter said sincerely, feeling more apologetic than he’d ever felt before. “Neal, if I’d known—”

“I didn’t want you to know,” Neal whispered. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to pretend you love me and pretend like you don’t want to hit me when you look at me.” Peter’s heart broke on his face as he listened to Neal. “I piss you off twenty-four-seven and I wanted us to form a genuine connection with each other before telling you. You need to abuse me whenever you have the opportunity or what you would consider ‘probable cause.’” Neal rubbed his own eyes, exhaling heavily as he tried to regulate his breathing again. “I wanted us to bond, to actually prove that there’s love between us. I’m sorry for wasting your time by trying to accomplish something that’s beyond impossible.”

“Neal, we can still try to—”

“No, we can’t,” Neal interjected. Even as he leaned against Peter, he was tense. Peter held him closely, but not tightly. “Now that you know about the baby, you’ll feel like you’re obligated to treat me with love and all of that lovey-dovey bullshit that I apparently don’t deserve.”

Peter rested his hand above the hand Neal had placed on his own stomach. “I want to take care of it—and you. I do love you and I know I need to work on correcting my way of showing you that.” He sighed, sounding defeated. “Neal, give me another chance, okay? Regardless of the baby, I want to give you the love you deserve.”

Neal shook his head. “There’s no point. Sure, the abuse might stop for a little while, but it’ll start right up again the second this baby is ripped out of me.” Peter cringed, realizing there was only one way that Neal could give birth. He couldn’t imagine how Neal felt when he came to the same realization. “If you actually loved me, tonight would’ve been perfect.”

“Were you going to tell me?”

“No,” Neal whispered. “If we were going to have sex, I was prepared to give you all kinds of reasons for the weight I’ve put on. Now that you know, I just want to go home and be alone.”

Peter made a sound of disapproval. “I’m not letting you go through this alone, Neal. You’ve already endured almost half of this alone. I’m not going to let you spend the rest of it that way.”

“I want to do it alone. All I’m going to do is create more tension between us and then your job and marriage is at risk, too. If anyone finds out that I’m pregnant with your baby, your career is over.”

“Do you think I give a _damn_ about my career in this situation? Neal, you’re carrying _my_ baby. Fuck my career. I need to care for my family.”

Neal pushed Peter away, slowly getting back onto his feet. Peter was quick to do the same. “You and I aren’t family. I won’t deny you the right to be with your own child unless I think you’ll abuse him or her, but you and I can never be a family.”

Peter stared at his lover incredulously. “I’ll leave El. I’ll dissolve our marriage right now. I’ll—”

“No, you won’t!” Neal cried out angrily. “I’m not worth all of this. Destroying your life for me isn’t going to make me feel better about this. Knowing I’ve taken you from El, ruined your marriage, and ended your career makes me feel like absolute shit because I’m the common factor in every instance.” Peter pressed a hand against Neal’s chest, staring at him sadly in silence. “I’ve taken enough from you. I’ve done enough to you. I’m never going to let you end your marriage. If you do it regardless of what I say, you’re on your own. I’m not going to marry you.”

The older man was truly hurt by Neal’s words. “If it were to end on mutual terms, would you marry me then?”

Neal stared at him incredulously. “Not even then because I still had a hand in ruining everything and, for all I know, you’d probably convince Elizabeth to go along with it somehow.” He glanced down at his stomach, resting his right hand on it. “This baby is important to me. I don’t want to lose it. This baby means to me what Elizabeth means to you. If you think I’m going to rip that all away from you, I may as well abort the baby because that’s exactly how you’ll feel without Elizabeth.”

Peter shook his head. “That isn’t true. Neal, we’re having a baby and I’m in love with you.”

“You _think_ you’re in love with me. Now we’ll never know if you really are because I’ve guilted you into hanging around me for the next six months to forever.”

The older man watched Neal sadly, wishing he could fix this. He wasn’t afraid to admit that he was wrong and very cruel. What bothered him was that Neal was right in saying Peter would want to be very close to him since he knew about the baby. He wished he hadn’t pushed Neal around. Now that he knew what Neal was doing—or trying to do—he desperately wanted to go back to that. He wanted to work through all of this with Neal and be an actual couple. He’d ask El for a divorce in an instant if he’d known Neal was actually trying to make this work between them. “I can love you even though you’re pregnant. I can love you if you’re not pregnant. Neal, I can prove to you that I’m capable of loving you.”

Neal walked away from him, heading downstairs. Peter instantly felt bad. Neal hadn’t wanted to reveal this to him for reasons that Peter understood and he’d essentially forced the truth out of Neal. He could’ve severely hurt their child if Neal hadn’t run upstairs to get sick. Granted, he’d chased Neal with the intention of hurting him, but watching him fall to his knees the way he did in that moment struck something within Peter. Now that he was aware of the reason Neal’s been getting sick, he wished he’d done something sooner to change things between them for the better.

Seeing Neal in such a vulnerable state and understanding everything, he wanted so desperately to fix their relationship. He wanted to fix _himself._ Neal wouldn’t trust him with their baby if he himself couldn’t trust Peter.

When Peter followed Neal downstairs, he found Neal on the couch, staring at nothing in particular. Stepping towards him carefully, he gave Neal a concerned look. “Do you realize that you’re stuck with me forever because of this?” he asked quietly, blinking before staring up at Peter. “This baby is ours. If you ever want to see him or her, I’m going to be there, too.”

“I don’t mind having that connection with you,” Peter said softly, standing a little ways away from Neal. “It’s beautiful, really.”

Neal scoffed. “Beautiful,” he huffed. “Beautiful is what you call your wife when you wake up beside her every morning, when you go to sleep beside her every night.” Peter knew that all of this was going to hurt Neal a lot. It was why he wanted to talk to Elizabeth, break things off with her, and get into a serious relationship with Neal. Granted, his career would be over, but he would make sure Neal’s deal stayed in place. Neal was set to be free shortly after he’d give birth to their baby. Peter would be done with the FBI, but he wanted to make sure Neal earned what was due to him. “I don’t think we should see each other outside of work. Our relationship should be strictly business.”

“Neal, you’re pregnant—with my child. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you do this on your own now that I’m aware of what’s going on? Do you realize how late it is to want to have a ‘strictly business’ relationship with me? Your entire life is going to change because of me. I didn’t check the expiration date on the condom, so it broke that night. This is my fault. I take responsibility for the mistake.”

“It’s not a mistake,” Neal stated adamantly, sounding angry. “He or she wasn’t planned, but I don’t regret it now. I want this baby. If you’re having second thoughts, I won’t stop you from walking away. I was perfectly set with the idea of raising the baby on my own.”

Peter stared at the younger man blankly, feeling numb inside. This was their child, their responsibility, and their connection to each other. He didn’t want to sever that. Neal wouldn’t forbid him from ever seeing the child, but he wanted to have a stable relationship with Neal. He wanted to live with Neal, marry Neal, and raise the baby with him from the start. Allowing Neal to do this on his own made him feel sick with guilt. “We’re partners,” Peter said to him. “I’m not letting you do all of this alone. You deserve more than that and it took the both of us to make him or her.”

“We’re partners,” Neal agreed quietly, “but that doesn’t mean I have to share every waking moment with you.”

The older man frowned, looking away from Neal. “I assume you won’t allow me to be there when it’s born,” he whispered.

Neal gave his lover a very confused look. “You want to be there?” Peter nodded, looking like he desperately wanted to be there when the time came. “Peter, you realize this baby isn’t coming out of a woman’s vagina, right?” Peter sighed, nodding. “You want to watch doctors cut me open and rip the baby right out of my abdomen?”

Peter tentatively neared Neal, surprised that Neal allowed him to kneel in front of him. He took Neal’s right hand in his left, placing his right hand over the Neal’s baby bump. “These births happen to women, too. I’ve seen videos, Neal. I want to be with you when you have the baby. I don’t want you to go in there alone.” He lifted Neal’s hand, kissing his knuckles. “I’m a horrible person when I’m with you, but I won’t abandon you. I won’t leave you to suffer through this alone.”

Tears slid down Neal’s cheeks and Peter didn’t realize it until a moment later since he’d been staring at Neal’s stomach. “I’m scared shitless,” Neal admitted brokenly. “I’m trying so damn hard to be okay with this, but I’m fucking scared, Peter.”

Stunned, Peter simply nodded, opening his arms when Neal leaned towards him. He rose up a bit to make Neal comfortable while he held the younger man. “I’ll be with you through this,” Peter promised him. “I’m going to help you through this and I’m going to raise the baby with you after it’s born.” He kissed Neal’s hair, stroking the side of Neal’s face as well as Neal’s lower back. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. It’s impossible for me to know how you feel, but I’m here now. We’re in this together, Neal.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Neal whispered as he sobbed against Peter’s neck. He felt emotionally unstable at the moment and he hated it, but it was his hormones acting up. “I need you. Don’t promise me you’ll be there if you’re going to walk away.”

Peter slid his hand up and down Neal’s back, hushing him gently. “It’s all going to be okay, Neal. I promise I’ll be there. I’ve been inattentive of your needs—and the baby’s.”

Neal breathed shakily, whispering, “Mozzie knows.” Peter’s heart cracked a little because Neal sounded terrified. “I’m so sorry. I know he isn’t supposed to know, but he was there when I found out.” Peter nodded slowly, consistently rubbing Neal’s back. “He bought me the pregnancy tests when I couldn’t leave the bathroom. I couldn’t _not_ tell him and he knew it was yours.”

“It’s all right,” Peter said gently. “The only thing you need to worry about is your and the baby’s health. Are you eating enough?” Neal nodded. “I’m going to make sure you do. I don’t want anything to happen to the baby either. It’s inside of you and I know you’ll be crushed if something happens.”

Neal broke down again and Peter slid his arms around Neal a little tighter. “Please don’t beat me. Please,” he begged. “You’ll hurt our baby.”

>Peter kissed Neal’s hair, rocking him gently. “No beatings—I promise. I won’t hit you, Neal. I’m not saying that because you’re pregnant. This is more incentive to stop abusing you and I’m going to try my damnedest to keep both of you safe.” Neal sniffled and sounded absolutely miserable as he breathed. “I want you and the baby to be okay. I can’t hurt you anymore—and I don’t want to start hurting the baby.”

The two men stayed on the couch for quite some time after that discussion ended. Peter held Neal close, reassuring him that everything was going to be okay, that he was going to be right there for Neal no matter what. He promised that Neal and their baby are his priority. Neal prayed to every higher power he’d heard about in his lifetime that Peter would be able to follow this through.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter is trying to put effort into his relationship with Neal.

“Peter!” Neal warned, trailing after his lover. “Peter, don’t—”

“What the hell happened in there?” he snapped at the Harvard crew in the conference room. They all stared at him and Neal stood behind him. “Whose cover was blown and how did it happen?”

Neal closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wished he hadn’t told Peter about the baby because Peter was worrying like mad. For the last week, Peter’s been hellbent on having the best of the best at Neal’s side on cases. “Mendoza’s cover,” a female agent on the right side of the table said timidly. “What we’ve gathered is that he was working with our mark.”

“Mendoza’s foolhardy move could have gotten Caffrey killed,” he growled. “He was assaulted and nearly shot. You were all supposed to have his back in there. Otherwise, you served no purpose.”

“Peter, they’re new agents. Don’t—”

“You all graduated from Harvard and Quantico, yet you couldn’t protect a _civilian?_ How in the hell did any of you get here if you can’t accomplish the simplest of tasks?”

Neal sighed, turning away from Peter. He was tired of listening to Peter scold agents when things went wrong. It was better than Peter taking it out on him physically, but still. “Caffrey’s cover was blown from the beginning, we believe.”

Peter made a stunned sound and Neal quickly turned, grabbing his arm. “Let it go,” Neal whispered. Peter stared at him, angry beyond words that his lover and child’s lives were put at risk. He wanted to keep Neal out of the field, but Neal insisted that he needed to keep working as per usual and Peter conceded. He’d promised himself he would listen to Neal and he was trying his best to do so. It helped that he’s been spending nights with Neal. Elizabeth hadn’t come back yet, so he and Neal were having ‘sleepovers.’

“Get out of my sight,” Peter said quietly to the others in the room. They all gathered their folders and papers before leaving Neal and Peter alone. “Will you please let me bench you? I’m terrified that something is going to happen to you,” he pleaded.

Neal shook his head, wishing he could stroke Peter’s hair for even a moment. “I need this, Peter. If you bench me, all I’m going to do is sit around my apartment, drowning in my own depression because I can’t even work.” Peter frowned, nodding slowly. “I’m fine and so is the baby. I promise.”

Peter’s fingers twitched as he struggled to fight the urge to fan his fingers out across Neal’s stomach like he’d been doing every night since finding out. “Sending you in is terrifying, but I… I understand why you want to stay active. I’m not going to order you around, but I wish you’d reconsider.”

“Peter, as long as I know you’re on the other end of the little microphone, everything’s okay.” He gave Peter a small smile and stepped a little closer to him, tugging on his suit jacket’s sleeve. Peter didn’t resist the urge this time and rested his hand on Neal’s stomach. “Trust me, okay? You’re the only person in this building who knows I’m…” He sighed. “I want to pretend things are normal. If my body develops in a way that I can’t make excuses for, I’ll let you bench me. Until then, I want to stay in.”

“How much bigger are you going to get?” At the hurt look on Neal’s face, he quickly added, “I’m just curious. I’ll love you no matter what happens to your body.”

He lifted his left hand, showing Peter approximately how much bigger he was going to get over the next several months. It would be noticeable, but not as noticeable as it would be for a woman. “My body is a little different from a woman’s. The baby will fit inside of me and I’ll stretch to accommodate it, but I shouldn’t get as big unless I’m carrying twins.” Peter stared at him in horror, terrified to even consider the idea that he’d done that to Neal. “I was kidding, Peter. There’s one—and only one. The practitioner confirmed it.”

Something in Peter’s expression made Neal wary. “Have you seen it?”

“The baby?” Peter nodded. “Uh, yeah. I’ve seen the OB-GYN practitioner a few times. The baby still has ways to go yet.” Peter’s eyes lit up and Neal’s brows furrowed. “I’m going to make a great assumption in saying that you want to go with me to the next ultrasound?”

Peter grinned at him, asking, “What time is it at?”

“Four-thirty next Wednesday.” Peter’s expression immediately fell, his happiness and eagerness crumbling away. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Peter whispered.

“Peter, what is it?”

The older man sighed in frustration. “I have reservations with El next Wednesday.”

Neal shrugged. “That’s okay.” Peter gave him an incredulous look. “Next week is fourteen weeks, Peter. There are still twenty-six more weeks left, assuming it isn’t born before then.” He could see that Peter was still unhappy that he wouldn’t be able to go, too. He wanted to tell Peter that he could have a sonogram printed out for him so he could see the baby for the first time, but he decided against that. It might be a nice surprise for him to just show up at work the next morning with the image of their baby inside of him. He could see that Peter definitely wanted to be there with him and he assumed it was because Peter wanted to see it in person and see it actually move. “You and El have a date. That isn’t able to be rescheduled. My appointments are kinda often because of my unique situation, but I’m sure there will be at least one appointment that doesn’t coincide with your date nights.”

“When you get the date for the next appointment, let me know. I want to make sure I can go with you.” Neal nodded and Peter smiled at him appreciatively. “I’m really excited. I mean, I know I’m a little late in the game, but… I’d love to see him or her.”

Peter was a little surprised when Neal pecked his lips very quickly. “I’ll let you know right away, Peter.” He glanced over Neal’s shoulder, making sure no one was watching them. Fortunately, it didn’t look like anyone caught the quick kiss. He wasn’t _that_ concerned about his job, but he didn’t want to add to Neal’s stress. Neal had enough on his plate as it was.

Both men stayed put for a little while longer before Peter glanced at Neal, seeing the look of thought on his lover’s face. “You okay?”

Neal snapped out of it a moment later. “Yeah. Just… Yeah, I’m good.” Peter gave him a concerned look, knowing something was wrong. Neal glanced at him again and sighed. “I feel nauseous. That’s all.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Neal shook his head, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he glanced down at his stomach. He frowned a moment later and Peter caught it. “Neal, what’s wrong?”

“I just feel strange.”

Peter sat down on the conference table, looking up at Neal. “How so?”

Neal’s frown didn’t go away. “My back is starting to hurt a little when I’m home.” Peter nodded, waiting for Neal to continue so he could find a way to help him. “It’s here, too, actually…” Peter’s brows furrowed and Neal met his gaze, biting his lip. “I don’t know why. That’s the damn thing about going through pregnancy for the first time. I don’t know anything and I’ve had a lot of time to study.”

“You didn’t anticipate on getting pregnant,” Peter said quietly. “If there’s ever anything you need, I hope you know that you can come to me.” Neal didn’t respond to that and Peter’s lips parted. “I’m committing myself to this with you. We’re going to be parents. _We_ —not _you._ If you don’t talk to me, how am I supposed to help?”

“How are you supposed to help me anyway? It isn’t like you’ve got a little human inside of you, making you want to piss or throw up every, like, five minutes.” Peter was quiet, knowing Neal was right. He just wanted to help and he wasn’t sure what to do for Neal either. “I’m sorry,” Neal said softly. “I’m hormonal or something.” Peter shook his head. Neal’s moods weren’t bothering him at all. After everything he put Neal through and what he’d done to Neal inadvertently, he was willing to take the brunt of whatever Neal was feeling. “I haven’t felt quite like myself in a while.”

“It’s okay,” Peter assured him. “You’re right.”

Neal sighed heavily. “Do you think we could go to lunch? I’m kind of hungry.”

Peter nodded, his eyes widened. “Anything you ask. Let’s go.”

Both men left Peter’s office, heading down into the bullpen. Some of the agents looked at Peter warily, waiting for his next outburst. Neal sympathized for them, knowing exactly how they felt. Having Peter yell at him the way he yelled at them was emotionally and psychologically painful. He didn’t want Peter to yell at him, but he wished Peter would calm down around everyone else. Some cases went south while others didn’t. This one happened to go wrong and Neal figured it was okay since he wasn’t killed. His lower lip was split and he had a nice gash near his temple, but he was fine otherwise.

Neal chose a little café nearby and Peter was perfectly content with taking him there. He was all right with the walk as well—even before Neal explained that it would be good for him. Peter was surprisingly all right with a lot of things now and Neal knew he shouldn’t be. “Why are you being so submissive now?” Neal asked him after they gave a waitress their order. “You’re fine with everything I’ve been saying or asking. Usually, you’re pretty against everything that comes out of my mouth.”

“Because I want to do what’s best for you, what makes you happy.” Neal looked down at the table, rubbing his wrist. “I promised you a good dinner and that went to hell very quickly. I’ve hurt you a lot over the years and I owe you so much.”

“I don’t want your pity. I’m pregnant, but I don’t need to be pitied by you.” Peter looked a little hurt by that. Neal felt that he should want Peter to hurt, but he wasn’t that kind of man. “I know you’re trying to be nice. Don’t go out of your way to make me happy. I’m perfectly fine as is.”

Peter shifted into the seat that was closer to Neal rather than sitting across from him. “Neal, I care about you and the baby a great deal. I wish you’d stop pushing me away…”

Neal sighed heavily. “I don’t know how to bring you _in._ All I’ve tried to do for the past few months is push you away from me and now you’re trying to come back into my life. Pretending everything is okay doesn’t make it okay.”

“Tell me what I can do, Neal.” Neal sat back, crossing his arms over his chest with an eyebrow raised. “You want me to figure it out?”

“Good boy,” Neal said sarcastically. “If there’s going to be any lasting relationship between us, I can’t tell you what you need to do to make things better every five seconds. I’ve said my piece, so it’s on you to figure out where to go from there.” Peter nodded and Neal felt a little bad. He wondered if he was being an asshole, but then he decided that he had the right to act like one. “I can’t be the only one putting effort into this.”

“Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust me again?” he asked tentatively. “I know I’ve done a lot to destroy that trust, but I want you to be able to trust me again. I want you to trust that I’ll be able to care for the baby properly.”

Neal glanced down at his stomach, resting his hand on it. “I don’t know if I can ever trust you again—fully anyway.” Peter focused on Neal’s stomach, wishing he could touch it. Every time he did, he felt a little giddy inside. Neal usually let him rub over the bump when they were in bed together and Peter enjoyed that. He’d prefer to have sex with Neal, but this was just as exciting. Eventually, the baby would begin to move around inside of Neal. He couldn’t wait to feel it kicking his hand as he pressed it against Neal’s bare skin. He couldn’t wait to hold the baby in his arms. “I don’t think you’ll hurt the baby, but I don’t want the child to grow up thinking that abusing your partner is okay,” he said pointedly. “I don’t want him or her to watch you beat me. That gives off the wrong kind of message.”

“I understand that,” Peter agreed.

“If you ever hit me again, I’m not letting you near the baby. Even if the baby is five years old before you hit me again, you’re done. I’m not going to subject myself to that.” Peter frowned, feeling like a major asshole. He knew he’d hurt Neal very much, so it made perfect sense that Neal was giving him this ultimatum. “It was all fun and games when you used to cuff me to the bed or blindfold me while we fucked. Hell, I never even cared that you spanked me while we were in bed together. What you’ve been doing to me is neither a game nor fun. The pain was supposed to stay in bed, not leave it and follow me wherever I go.”

“Neal, I—”

“That was all supposed to fall under the ‘sex’ part of our deal. I agreed to have sex with you casually and a little sadomasochism every now and then was nice. I liked it.” Peter knew that Neal was about to go on a tangent and he sat back to listen intently. “Punching me, shoving me around, throwing me to the floor… Pulling my hair and threatening to hurt me… None of that was part of what I agreed to. I agreed to nipple clamps, cock rings, paddles, handcuffs, blindfolds, and controlled and consensual rough sex. It was never supposed to go beyond that, but it has.”

“The last time I was inside of you, I impregnated you,” Peter whispered.

Neal nodded. “You did. Sex came with its risks. We were doing our best to use condoms and such and I was on birth control, but this still happened. It was an accident, but never a mistake.” He glared at Peter, hating that Peter had considered this a mistake at first. “You knew there were nights when I wasn’t in the mood for sex, but you still made me lie beneath you and take it all. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it, because I did eventually, but you’ve hurt me more than you ever hurt me sexually by beating me for the dumbest of things. I mean, asking me what I was doing prior to our dinner date did _not_ warrant any of what you were doing. You could have seriously hurt the baby. Whether you knew about it or not had nothing to do with it. You shouldn’t have been abusing me in the first place.”

“I know, Neal,” he whispered.

“This needs to stop. How am I supposed to believe you won’t beat the shit out of me the next time I’m lying beneath you? How am I supposed to feel comfortable with the idea of letting you hold our baby if you can’t even hold me against you? How could I possibly leave you alone with the baby without considering that you might beat him or her for no reason at all?” Peter’s eyes watered as he let every word sink in. “When this unorthodox relationship began, you were very kind, very gentle. You took care of me and made sure I wasn’t hurting while we fucked. Since then, you haven’t given a _fuck_ about how I feel. There have been nights when I’ve bled because of you. You’ve never had a man’s dick inside of you like I have. You don’t understand the pressure or pain. Things aren’t supposed to go _up_ my ass, Peter. Sex alone is a little painful, but you make it unbearable sometimes.”

Peter stared at his lover silently as the waitress returned with their order. Neal immediately began to eat, feeling like he’d said enough. He could easily continue speaking, but he didn’t want to hurt Peter that much. “Why didn’t you ask me to stop?”

Neal glanced up at him. “Would you have stopped if I specifically asked you to?” Peter nodded and Neal glared at him. “Oh, so my pleading didn’t stop you, but screaming ‘stop’ would have.”

“Neal…”

“I don’t know if I want to have sex with you again at any point. First of all, you’re the irresponsible one who didn’t even look to see if the condom expired or not before putting it on and shoving into me. Second, you’re just abusive as hell when you’re with me. You’ve never acted like that with El. She never had to beg you to stop fucking her because you were pounding the shit out of her.” He rested his elbow on the table, palming his face while breathing shakily. Peter felt terrible as he watched Neal struggle to keep himself under control. “You have no idea what you’ve put me through and I don’t think you’d understand even if I spelled it all out for you.”

“I’m willing to listen,” Peter offered, thinking it might help if Neal opened up about everything he was feeling right now or had felt in the past.

Neal shook his head. “It won’t change anything. I’m already pregnant and prepared to walk away from you for the rest of my life.” Peter’s lips parted and his eyes widened in pain. Neal froze and tensed when he realized he’d slipped. He never meant to tell or even suggest that he was going to leave once he was freed.

“You’ll…leave?” Neal watched him carefully, unwilling and too afraid to answer him. “I don’t want you to run away. If you leave, you’re taking the baby with you. I…don’t… Neal, I want you here. I want you and the baby here.”

Neal’s eyes watered as he leaned forward, hissing, “And I want you to stop beating the hell out of me for protecting you by wearing a wedding ring _you_ —a married man—gave to me on my right hand. I want you to stop threatening me when I ask you to calm down because you’re making a scene at work. I don’t want you to choke me or shove me into walls when I’ve done nothing wrong.” Peter blinked back tears. He knew he had no reason or right to cry, but this was killing him. “I get that I’m a man and Elizabeth is a woman. I know you would never hit a woman, but why must you beat on me? I may not be as ‘fragile’ or ‘weak’ because I’m a man, but I have _never_ deserved any of this abuse. You must like being an abusive, exceedingly jealous asshole sometimes because I can’t think of any plausible reasoning for constantly wanting to cause me pain.”

Peter looked away from Neal. He didn’t know how to answer that and he knew his inability to give Neal an answer really pissed Neal off. He’d traumatized Neal to some extent and he was aware of that. That trauma made him want to change himself because he also knew and agreed that Neal didn’t deserve any of this. He is a good man and he’s trying to do what’s best for his unborn child. Peter couldn’t hate him or assault him with legitimate reasoning. He was a little upset that Neal hadn’t told him about the baby for almost two months, but he understood that Neal was afraid of him, making him afraid to talk about the baby. The fact that he’d pressured Neal into telling him made him feel worse.

Over time, he hoped he could earn Neal’s trust back. If not all of it, then he hoped for at least some of it. The last thing he wanted was for Neal to bar him from ever seeing their child because he was afraid of the abuse Peter could unleash on one or both of them. Neal, though he never wanted to go through this, was a good father already in Peter’s opinion. He didn’t tell Peter about the baby, but he tried his best to protect the baby nonetheless, so it wasn’t like he was being irresponsible or trying to ignore what was going on inside of him. Neal and the baby were both innocent in this—all of this—and they didn’t deserve to suffer just because Peter was upset, jealous, or some other bad mood.

•◊•

Peter startled awake when he felt Neal kick him. He pushed himself up a bit to see if Neal was okay and that was when he realized Neal was having a nightmare. He was thrashing ever so slightly and sounded like he was in pain. “Neal,” Peter said as he gently shook Neal’s arm. “Neal, wake up.” Neal gasped and the first thing he did when his eyes opened was touch his stomach with both hands frantically. He was breathing heavily and Peter was concerned. “Neal, it’s okay. You’re okay and so is the baby.”

Neal glanced up at him when Peter rested his hand on top of his. “How did you know it was about the baby?”

“Well, you woke up and your hands flew right to your stomach,” he whispered. “I just kind of assumed you had a nightmare about it.” Neal blinked back tears, nodding silently. “Do you want to talk about it?” Neal breathed shakily as he turned over until he was face to face with Peter. Peter stroked Neal’s disheveled hair out of Neal’s eyes and gave him a soft smile. “I promise everything’s okay.”

“I was dreaming about giving birth,” Neal whispered. Peter nodded, silently encouraging Neal to continue. “I was terrified and it was painful. It felt like they were ripping it out of me forcefully, like they didn’t care at all if the baby was okay or not.” He scooted closer to Peter and Peter’s arm wrapped around him, touching his bare back. “You weren’t with me,” he said, sounding like he wanted to cry.

Peter closed his eyes, resting his cheek against Neal’s hair. “I won’t let you go through childbirth alone,” he promised. “No matter what happens, I’m going to be right there with you.” Neal rested his left hand on Peter’s side, clutching the warm skin gently. He pressed his forehead against Peter’s shoulder, hating himself for needing Peter the way he did. “We may not be married, but I’m going to demand that I be there with you if they object. You’re scared and I’m not going to let them force you to go through it alone.”

Neal was grateful for that. “Promise?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I promise,” Peter said softly, rubbing Neal’s back. “I’ll be right there the whole time. No one is going to stop me from being there for you.” Neal nodded and whispered his thanks, sounding miserable. Peter held him close, feeling Neal’s desperation. “I love you, Neal. You’re doing something I never would have expected you to do. I’m the reason you’ll be going through childbirth, so the very least I can do is stand at your side, holding your hand or talking to you to keep you calm.” He listened to Neal cry for a little while after that, making promises repeatedly that he would make sure he was in the room when Neal was going to give birth. The reality of this whole situation was still very strange, but he needed to be present to support Neal when Neal needed him most. He’d fight his way into that room if they told him he couldn’t go with Neal.

The next time Neal woke up, it was calmly and he was lying on his side with his head on Peter’s chest. They still weren’t having sex and Neal really appreciated that Peter was treating him with respect now. It meant a lot to him that Peter was trying to make this work between them. He hadn’t lifted even a finger to strike Neal in the last several days, so there was a little progress. He wasn’t holding his breath though. As much as he didn’t want to doubt Peter, he felt like Peter would eventually hit him again. He wanted to be mentally and emotionally prepared for that before it happened.

He shifted around on the bed carefully, trying his hardest not to jostle Peter around. Fortunately, he’d been able to get out of bed without waking his lover. He glanced down at his abdomen, resting a hand on it. In that moment, he desperately hoped Peter wasn’t going to fuck things up. This baby means so much to him already and he wasn’t sure if he could live with himself if he lost it. Whether it died due to a complication or because Peter abused him, he didn’t care. Either way, he would have lost his child and that would rip him apart from the inside out until he faded away into nothingness and put himself six feet under.

Moving his hand away, he shook himself out of that thought process. He couldn’t risk being negative and stressed out. That would do neither him nor the baby any good, so he was trying to stay upbeat and think on the positive side of things. If Peter could prove to him that he’s trustworthy, this would be so much easier.

He grabbed his phone off of the nightstand and unlocked it as he was heading over to his refrigerator. There was a single text and he opened it, freezing when he realized it was from Elizabeth. “ _Hey. I’m back in town and Peter isn’t home. Is he with you?_ ” She’d texted him around midnight and he’d gone to sleep with Peter around ten.

Nervously, he hit the reply button. “Peter’s okay. He’s with me. We had a lot to talk about and he spent the night. I’ll send him home when he wakes up.”

She texted him fifteen minutes following his reply and thanked him for talking with Peter. He didn’t respond to that message because he felt like a massive liar. They did talk, but they’d kissed a lot while Peter rubbed over the baby bump for the most part.

He sat at his dining room table alone with his elbows on the tabletop, head in his hands and his eyes closed. It was at least five minutes before he heard Peter shifting on the bed, grunting as he scooted over towards the edge to get out of bed. He came out of the bedroom and immediately looked for Neal, finding himself concerned when he absorbed Neal’s posture. “Neal? Honey, are you okay?” He briskly made his way over to the table and stood with his hand on Neal’s back. Neal nodded slowly and Peter wasn’t sure if something happened. “Is it the baby? Is it okay?”

“El is home,” he whispered. Peter froze, tensing. He didn’t want to go home and leave Neal here alone. He liked spending time with Neal because they talked about the baby—well, he mostly sat there having a question and answer session with Neal, asking Neal questions that Neal willingly answered to clear things up for him. “You should get home, too. I’m sure she misses you—and I can’t imagine you not missing her.”

Peter leaned down to kiss the nape of Neal’s neck. “Neal, I love you.” Neal sat completely still, trying to keep his own jealousy under control. He wanted Peter—the _good_ Peter—all to himself. He didn’t like sharing the father of his child with someone else, but he knew it wasn’t his place to make demands that Peter divorce El. She had claimed Peter’s heart before he ever came into the picture. He wasn’t that selfish and he’d outright told Peter that Peter wasn’t allowed to destroy his marriage in order to marry him. “My marriage doesn’t change the fact that I love you,” he whispered. “Being the one carrying my child isn’t why I love you either. I love you for so many reasons even while knowing I’ve never deserved your love in return.”

Neal sighed, lifting his head from his hands to glance at Peter sadly. “You know I love you. I want things between us to work out, but they’ll always be so complicated. You’re married and I’m pregnant. Elizabeth will never be able to forgive either of us if you leave her for me and she finds out that I’m pregnant.”

“I’m sure she’d understand… She knows how close we are.”

“Does she think I’m whoring myself for you?” he asked angrily.

“No,” Peter said quickly. “No. She knows you’re my best friend. She knows I care about you a great deal and that I hate when I’ve ruined things between us. I’m fairly certain she’d understand if I were to tell her that you and I are having a child together.”

Neal laughed mirthlessly and Peter frowned. “Yes because a man having a baby is _so_ common in today’s day,” he said sarcastically. “I don’t think she’ll be able to look past the fact that you and I have fucked on the side while you’ve made love to her every night. She’ll never look at you the same again and I don’t want you to lose that. She’s a good woman and I don’t want to hurt her.”

“She’s my wife. Let me make the decision to leave her,” Peter pleaded. Neal shook his head, looking away from him. “Neal, what we have is complicated, but I want to be with you. I want to share this experience, raising a child, with you. I want to call you my husband and live my life with you.”

“And what is El supposed to do? Hunt for another husband after her last one turned gay on her?” Several knocks hit the door then and both men groaned quietly. “It’s open, Moz.”

Mozzie came in and, upon seeing Peter, froze. “I apologize for interrupting. I can—”

“No, it’s okay. Come in, Mozzie,” Peter said.

The balding man glanced at Neal. “Don’t you think you should get dressed? You’re a little indecent at the moment, mon frère.” He gave Neal a pointed look, hoping he’d understand what he was trying to say without outright saying it.

Neal shook his head. “Peter knows.”

“What?”

“I know he’s pregnant.”

Mozzie stared at them both alternatively before glancing into the bedroom. “Ah. I see.”

Neal’s face heated up when Peter rested a hand on his shoulder. “It was innocent,” Neal said defensively. “Peter has been spending the night with me for the last few nights. We’ve talked about this a lot.” He knew Mozzie was thinking he’d acted like a whore after saying he wouldn’t tell Peter. Mozzie immediately assumed they’d had sex the previous night and Neal wanted to clarify, making sure he knew they hadn’t done anything.

Peter squeezed Neal’s shoulder gently. “I’m going to be here for him, Mozzie. I know he invited me to the party a little late, but I’m here now and I’m committed to this.”

Mozzie raised an eyebrow. “You think male pregnancy is a _party?_ He’s had morning sickness for two months straight. He’s been worried about the baby for the last two months. He’s—”

“Moz, relax,” Neal pleaded. “Peter’s just trying to say that he’s going to help me even though I didn’t tell him the second I found out.” Mozzie glared at Peter while Neal glanced up at him again. “I think you should go,” he whispered.

“You want me to leave?” Neal stared at him in that way that told Peter that Neal wanted him to stay and Peter nodded silently, knowing that Neal wanted him to go home to his wife. “I’ll either call or text you in a little bit to see how you’re doing. Is that okay?” Neal nodded and watched Peter head back into the bedroom to properly dress himself. He assumed Peter was going to leave right away and was surprised when Peter returned to him. “I’ll talk to you soon,” he promised. He leaned down and gently captured Neal’s lips with his own, closing his eyes as Neal did the same. Mozzie watched for a moment before turning away. Peter pulled back all too quickly for Neal’s liking, but Neal knew he had to accept it. “I love you,” he whispered.

Neal briefly glanced at Mozzie before meeting Peter’s gaze again. “I love you, too,” he said just as quietly. He took Peter’s hand in his for a moment, squeezing it before letting go.

“Mozzie,” he said as a goodbye while he passed the shorter man.

“Suit.” Peter glanced back one last time to look at Neal before shutting the door. He smiled a little when Neal did. As soon as the door shut, Mozzie turned towards Neal again. “Does he know how hard and stressful this has been on you?”

Neal nodded. “He does. He was a little…shocked when I told him, but he’s come to terms with it quicker than I thought he would. We’ve talked about this over the last few days to clear things up and lay everything out for each other.”

Mozzie stood there silently and Neal sighed, knowing what the older man was thinking already. “You hinted that he’s hurt you—abused you even.” He saw the gash on Neal’s temple and his eyes widened. “You let that bastard sleep in the same bed as you after he did this?”

Neal flinched when Mozzie darted over to him, touching the gash. “Peter didn’t do this to me,” Neal said defensively. “This happened while I was working a case. He was pissed off because I got hurt. It wasn’t Peter-inflicted.”

There was a very long pause between the two of them as Mozzie took a seat beside Neal, observing him silently. “You’re sure he’s going to support you after what you’ve suggested he’s done to you?”

The younger man smiled a little, still seemingly sad. “Yeah. Peter… He wants this baby as much as I do. He’s been asking a lot of questions, asking what I’ve been going through and how the baby is going to grow. He’s promised he’ll be there for the birth and he’s been talking about baby-proofing the apartment for me.”

“Is he aware of how desperate and pathetic he is?” Neal closed his eyes, sighing in frustration. “You said he put a lot of pressure on you, that he’s hurt you quite a bit. You finally revealed your neck to me not too long ago and admitted that you’d had a ‘fight with Peter.’ He’s put you through hell and he’s gotten you pregnant simultaneously.”

“We’re making this work, Mozzie. He’s really trying for me. He wants me to trust him.”

“You’re going to let him into your life only so he can abuse you _and_ your child.”

Neal slammed his hand on the table, snapping, “Peter won’t touch the baby if he, at the very least, even attempts to grab me roughly. I’m taking control of the situation and he’s letting me do that. He’s letting me set the ground rules because he wants me to let him spend time with the baby when it’s born.”

Mozzie raised an eyebrow. “I certainly hope he fulfills and exceeds these expectations you’ve set for him.”

Neal wanted to argue that Peter could do this, but he didn’t feel the need to. He wouldn’t speak for Peter. He would let Peter’s actions speak for themselves. If Peter proved to be trustworthy, things would get better between them. If things worsened, he made sure Peter knew he’d miss out on a lot of his son or daughter’s life. Peter wanted him to stay in New York rather than run away and Neal knew Peter was determined to do whatever it took to keep him and the baby close. He was giving Peter the opportunity—and the final one at that—to prove that he’s good, that he can be a caring partner and father. If he failed, he would lose more than just his job and wife. He’d lose his boyfriend and child, too.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter continue to get closer.

“The baby is looking very healthy and seems to be developing on schedule, Mister Caffrey.” Neal grinned at the screen, looking at his baby. “It won’t be very long before you’ll be in here to figure out if you’re having a boy or a girl,” she said softly.

Neal nodded. “I’m really looking forward to that one.” He could see that she was getting ready to turn everything off and he quickly asked, “Can I get a couple sonograms?”

“Certainly. How many would you like?”

He thought about that for a moment. The only people he’d show would be Peter and Mozzie. Peter’s the baby’s father, so he would probably want a copy just for himself. Neal could show his copy to Mozzie and then kept it for himself. “Two.” She nodded and went about doing that for him. “The other father is involved now,” he said quietly. “He wanted to be here with me for this, but he had…other obligations. I figured I could surprise him with the little picture.”

She smiled softly at him and nodded. “I’m glad to hear that you’ve involved him and I’m glad he’s taken the news well enough.” It took her a few minutes to get the sonograms to him, but she had them prepared for him and then cleaned off his belly. “How does an appointment next week sound?”

He glanced at her curiously. “We’ve been doing every two weeks.”

“I think we should watch the baby weekly now. It’s getting bigger and I want to make sure it can survive under the conditions it’s been given. What you’re going through is something that’s very uncommon, so I’m not sure how to analyze this or how often you should be here. I don’t want to risk it though for your sake.”

“That makes sense,” he said quietly. “Okay. When should I come in?”

She looked at her appointment book, making a thoughtful sound before looking up at him again. “Friday at three-thirty?”

He was perfectly fine with that, but asked, “Can I text his father to ask if that works for him? I promised him I’d let him know when the next appointment is so he can try to come with me.” She nodded and he pulled his phone out, shooting Peter a text. “Hey. Just finished up and the baby’s all good. Are you available next Friday around three-thirty?”

He almost told her that it may take Peter forever to answer because he was on a date, but his phone went off immediately. He opened the text that was surprisingly from Peter. “ _Yes. Definitely. I’ll be there with you._ ”

“All right—Friday at three-thirty,” he confirmed.

“See you next Friday then, Mister Caffrey.”

He left and walked home. By the time he arrived at the apartment, he really regretted not grabbing a cab. He was a little out of breath after walking through a good portion of Manhattan and then up three flights of stairs to the loft. If he was like this now, he sure as hell wouldn’t be able to do this closer to the baby’s birth.

He had no idea how he was going to trek up three flights of stairs like that, but he figured he’d manage. If it didn’t work out, he could always just sleep on the first floor couch…

He took his suit jacket off, followed by his dress shirt. Wearing his suit was going to be a hassle sooner or later and he knew he’d have to start going through the maternity section at some point. Now that Peter was involved and seemed like he wanted to get more and more involved, he was considering whether or not he should ask Peter to help him look through maternity clothes. If they were going to spend more time together because of the baby, he had the urge to make himself look nice for Peter.

That urge to look nice would definitely start after he took a bath because that definitely felt like something he wanted to do in that moment to relax himself. He stripped himself down, feeling like he could strut around in his birthday suit all day as long as no one came in to interrupt his afternoon and evening of nudity.

The bathroom felt so warm when he walked in. The water was going to feel a hell of a lot better in a second though. He turned it on and waited for it to fill up. As soon as it was full, he got right in and made himself comfortable. It felt so nice, especially since his back was a little achy. He didn’t even want to wash himself at the moment. He just wanted to sit there.

He relaxed for about ten minutes before dunking his head under the water to get it wet, then he went about washing himself up. Rubbing over his chest felt nice, so he kept doing it until his fingers trailed towards his sensitive nipples. His eyes closed as he gently touched the hard nubs and his right hand was heading a little further south before he realized it. He didn’t think jacking off in the bath would be very relaxing, so he stopped himself and dunked his head under the water again to get all the soap out and then he went back to relaxing. He rested his hand on his stomach and rubbed over it absentmindedly. “I hope you’re comfortable in there,” he said softly. “Daddy can’t wait for you to come out and it’s not because you’re constantly making him sick.” He thought he was going crazy because he was talking to himself, but he decided to let it go for now. “Your other dad can’t wait for you either. He’s a good guy even though I’ve talked about some pretty awful things he’s done to me.” He fanned his fingers out over his stomach, smiling a little. “I think he’ll be a good dad. He’ll love you a lot when you’re here.” He thought to himself for a moment and decided this might just help him because he feels like he’s actually talking to someone. “Am I selfish for wanting your dad to leave his wife? I mean, I love him and I know he loves her, but he loves us, too, and this whole relationship is just…confusing. I’d love to marry your dad, but I’d be a bad guy if I ruined his marriage. I love him enough to want him not to ruin his life for me. I just hope we don’t hurt you in the midst of all of this confusion. I—”

Neal hadn’t been expecting the door to open just then. “Mon frère, your refrigerator and wines need—” Neal stared at his friend, wide-eyed. “Oh. I thought you were just in here on the phone or something.”

“You know, there is such a thing as knocking for a reason.” His face heated up immensely. “I was just…talking to myself,” he whispered. “Moz, can you give me a sec? I’ll grab a towel, get dressed, and then we can talk.”

“No. You can go about your business. I apologize for interrupting.”

That apology was a little insincere considering Mozzie was still standing in the doorway. “You want to see all my junk?” Mozzie snapped out of his thought process then and proceeded to close the door, leaving Neal to finish up. “That was your Uncle Mozzie,” he said to his stomach. “He’s a good guy, too. He’s going to spoil you to death.” He sighed to himself and then started washing all of the soapy water off of himself so he could get out. He pulled the stopper out after he’d gotten out and then he grabbed the towel from the rack on the wall, wrapping it around himself.

He left the bathroom and went directly to his bedroom, briefly glancing at his strange friend who was now on the terrace. Quickly, he dried his body, dropped the towel onto his bed, and dressed himself in a loose fitting shirt and his sleep pants. Smiling to himself, he grabbed his suit jacket that he’d discarded onto the floor and pulled the sonograms out. He put the copy for Peter on his nightstand and was going to take the other one with him. He towel dried his hair without giving it a whole lot of effort and then he headed over to the terrace, moving to stand beside his friend. “How was the ultrasound today?”

“Good. The baby’s good and developing as it should be, which is great.” Mozzie smiled at him, happy to hear that the baby was doing well. “Want to see it? It’s bigger than it was when you went with me.” Mozzie’s eyes lit up and he eagerly took the sonogram from Neal when Neal held it out to him.

“Oh, Neal,” he whispered. “It’s not even my baby and I’m excited for its arrival.” He glanced up at Neal, seeing the soft smile on his best friend’s face. “Is that a little smile of pride, mon frère?”

Neal blinked and glanced at his friend. He didn’t realize he’d been staring at the sonogram as well. “Maybe,” he muttered. Mozzie chuckled, looking at the sonogram again. “The hardest part up to this point has been accepting that there’s really a little human growing inside of me. Sometimes, it feels so surreal. I go into the ultrasound without really thinking about it and then I see it on the screen and I’m just… Seeing the baby leaves me breathless and happy. I never thought I’d get excited by my own pregnancy.”

Mozzie patted his arm, smiling. “I know how scared you were—and quite possibly still are—and I hope you know that, though it may not matter, I’m very proud of you.” Neal didn’t understand why Mozzie was proud of him. He was just being a responsible parent by making sure he was eating healthy and enough to satisfy himself and the baby. “You know I’m an orphan for reasons that remain unknown. By accepting this strange pregnancy, deciding that you’re going through with it, and your intentions of keeping it, you’ve earned a great deal of respect from me. What you’re going through would certainly frighten me and I’m not sure if I could go through with it like you are. You’re a strong man and I’m proud of you for loving the child you and the Suit made together.”

That really touched Neal in that moment because he hadn’t thought about it like that. He told himself he’d never get rid of his own child. Despite never wanting to endure a pregnancy, Neal would never terminate it. He couldn’t go through with an abortion even if he’d been put under pressure by Peter to do so. The con inside of him was slowly fading away as his pregnancy continued and his freedom came one step closer every day. He was going to be a father—single, more than likely. Knowing he’d probably be raising the baby on his own for the most part, he still wouldn’t abort the baby. It’s _his_ baby and he loves it. “Thanks, Moz,” he whispered, resting a hand on Mozzie’s back. “That means a lot to me.”

•◊•

Neal walked up to Peter’s office and knocked on the door. Peter glanced up from his paperwork and smiled softly at the younger man. “Good morning, Neal.”

“Good morning, Peter. Can I come in?” Peter nodded, sitting up straighter as Neal came in and shut the door behind him. Peter glanced at him curiously, wondering why he needed to come in to talk so early in the morning. He wasn’t used to Neal being here this early. It wasn’t even eight o’clock yet and Neal hated being up that early. “I know how down you were about not being able to go with me to the ultrasound yesterday…”

Peter frowned. “I really wanted to go. I haven’t seen our baby yet and I don’t want you going through any more of this alone.”

Neal nodded, smiling as he neared Peter’s desk. “That’s why I brought this for you,” he whispered, pulling the sonogram out of his suit jacket’s inner pocket. Peter jumped up and walked around the desk to stand beside Neal, looking at the little image he was holding.

The older man gently took it from Neal and held it, staring at it in awe. “This is our baby?”

“That’s our baby,” Neal said softly. He kept his eyes on Peter’s face, wanting to watch his reaction. Peter looked like the happiest man on the planet as he observed the sonogram, rubbing his thumb over its head gently. “What do you think?”

Peter glanced at him and Neal realized there were tears in his eyes. “I don’t know what to say,” he said thickly. “I’m so excited and happy and all of these other things I haven’t felt in a while.” He lifted his right hand to rub his eyes while Neal smiled at him. “I don’t even have the words to thank you for bringing this in.” He reluctantly began to hand it back to Neal and Neal gently pushed Peter’s hand back towards Peter. “This is mine to keep?” he asked, sounding like he was really surprised now.

Neal nodded. “I had that printed just for you.”

Seeing Peter so awed, happy, and in tears warmed Neal’s heart. “Neal, thank you,” he said as he breathed shakily. His smile wasn’t faltering at all and Neal loved that. “This is…second best to you actually carrying my baby.” Peter kept looking at the sonogram once Neal told him it was his. When he met Neal’s gaze again, Neal knew Peter wanted to either kiss him or hug him—or both. “You have no idea how happy I am because of this little piece of paper. The baby is so…beautiful.”

“I know.”

“Can you come with me really quick?” he asked as he tucked the sonogram into his own suit jacket. Neal nodded, feeling slightly afraid. He followed Peter out of the office, down into the bullpen, and into the hallway leading to the interrogation room. Peter gently pushed him against the wall and kissed him passionately, holding his hips. He slid his arms around Neal’s waist while they kissed and Neal rested his hands on Peter’s chest. Their eyes were closed as they enjoyed the kiss. Peter was getting better at treating him like an equal while they kissed. He wasn’t rough and constantly breaking away. He was sweet and kissed him longer.

As soon as they parted, Neal stared up at Peter. His lips were parted and Peter lifted his left hand and stroked Neal’s cheek. “Wow,” Neal whispered.

“I love you and this baby,” he said quietly as his right hand rested on Neal’s abdomen. “Thank you, Neal, for showing me the sonogram.”

“You’re the dad,” Neal said with a small smile. “I know you’ll go with me next week, but I thought I’d surprise you today.”

Peter nodded, smiling appreciatively. “That was the best surprise ever.”

Neal was thrilled to hear that. He wasn’t quite sure what to expect from Peter’s reaction to the sonogram, but this was great. He respected Peter a little more now. Before he’d brought Peter into this, he’d been afraid that Peter would want him to abort the baby because it would shake up his marriage and job. The fact that he’d accepted it after freaking out at first was really nice in Neal’s opinion. He’s been supportive since then and his excitement was enough to keep Neal excited as well.

“I’m really happy to hear that.”

Peter pulled him into a gentle embrace, kissing his neck. “I love you,” he said thickly. “I love you so much and I hope you know that. I hope you believe me.”

Neal wasn’t sure if he wanted to believe Peter or not, but he really didn’t have much of a choice. If he didn’t believe Peter, their relationship between themselves and themselves and the baby would suffer. “I believe you,” he whispered. “And I love you, too, Peter.”

“You should come over for dinner tonight,” Peter said tentatively. He knew Neal might not like the idea of doing that because he’d have to eat dinner with her and pretend he wasn’t carrying her husband’s child. “I’d like it if you came over, but it’s your choice.”

“I…don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Peter nodded as he pulled back to look at Neal. “I’d love to have dinner with you, but I’d get so nervous around Elizabeth. And what if I get sick? How am I supposed to explain that?”

Peter gave him a sad look. “You could just say you’re not feeling well. I’m not forcing you to come over, Neal.” He even sounded sad, too. Neal didn’t like turning Peter down and he rarely did that, but he wasn’t sure if he should go to their house to eat dinner with his lover and his lover’s wife. “I mean, you and I can go out to dinner next Friday after the ultrasound if you’d like. I wouldn’t mind paying for whatever you want.”

“I’ll… I can go over to your house tonight. It’ll be okay.” Peter gave him a small smile and he rubbed Peter’s chest a bit. “I still want to go out with you next Friday. It’d be just the two of us and we need one dinner date at least—just us.”

“You spend the next week picking out a place—wherever you want to go.”

Neal startled and quickly lowered his hands as someone came around the corner. “That sounds fine,” he said quietly when the probie passed them. Peter kept his eyes on Neal, concerned. “I’m good.”

“We should, uh…”

The younger man nodded. “Yeah. Let’s do that.” Peter glanced around briefly before kissing Neal once more. He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s cheekbone before lowering his hand, leading Neal out into the bullpen. Neal veered off and Peter caught him doing it. He spun and gave Neal a confused look. Neal, looking innocent, said, “I was going to work on some reports.”

“Oh. All right then,” Peter said quietly in response. He looked a little dejected and Neal wasn’t sure what to do. He had several reports that he had yet to work on. Everything between him and Peter along with the pregnancy was keeping his mind occupied.

“Is there something you need me to do?”

Peter kept his eyes on Neal, wishing he and Neal could sneak out. He hasn’t had sex with Neal in quite some time and he desperately wanted to make love to him after seeing the sonogram. The reality of it all hit him when he’d taken it out of Neal’s hands. Up until that moment, all of this felt like some form of twisted reality. He didn’t at any point think that Neal was lying to him about the baby. He was suffering through bouts of morning sickness—and not just in the morning as Peter thought he would—and his appetite had definitely changed. He kept in mind that he would end up paying for the three of them eventually and it didn’t bother him, much to his surprise.

He really wanted to do whatever Neal asked of him without so much as a single question. The younger man was going through something that terrified him, but he wasn’t giving up. Peter was proud of him and he loved Neal more for keeping their baby. He swore he read somewhere that abortion wasn’t permitted after a certain point and he figured that was within or shortly after the first trimester. By the time he became involved, Neal had just passed the first trimester, so Peter wondered if Neal had considered aborting it. He hadn’t really wanted to bring it up in case Neal was a bit sensitive, thinking Peter was criticizing him or implying that he wouldn’t be a good father. Peter thought he’d be great after spending a little more time with Neal intimately. What was different was that they weren’t physically intimate, but they were gaining that level of intimacy that Neal said they needed.

“Can we spend time together tonight?” he blurted out quietly without thinking about what he was saying beforehand.

Peter felt mortified instantly, wishing he hadn’t asked Neal that. Things were going pretty well between them. Neal was feeling a little more comfortable around him and they were talking things through a lot more than they used to. All good things that Peter knew would strengthen their relationship. “I...guess,” Neal whispered. “We haven’t been together for almost four months. I guess one night can’t hurt. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”

The older man gently touched Neal’s back, guiding him over to Neal’s desk. He didn’t want to have this conversation within anyone’s hearing range, so they stood a safe distance from other agents. “Do you resent me for doing this to you?”

Neal sighed heavily. “No. It’s not like you purposely sabotaged the condom. You didn’t even know about this.”

“If I could go back in time, I’d check the condom,” Peter said quietly. “I don’t want you to suffer, Neal…”

“Fuck you,” Neal hissed, walking away from him. Peter stared at Neal’s back as he took a seat behind his desk, immediately getting onto his computer. Peter didn’t know what he’d done wrong, but something pissed Neal off.

“Neal, what did I—?”

“That’s your way of calling it a mistake,” Neal said, sounding as pissed as he looked. “I’m not stopping you from leaving. You’re not obligated to do anything for…for either of us. I’m not going to be a man-bitch and force you to stay with me because of this. You can walk away whenever you want.”

Peter moved towards him, giving him such a desperate look. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that, Neal. I’ve already told you that I’m going through this with you. I know I don’t have to stay with you. I _want_ to.”

“I have work to do,” Neal said dismissively as he focused entirely on the reports he’d opened up. Peter frowned, resting a hand on his shoulder—only to have Neal shrug it off. As much as he hated to do it, he actually walked away from the younger man to give him space. He felt like he owed Neal that after unintentionally suggesting that he’d go back and change the fact that they were expecting if he could.

•◊•

“Neal, sweetie, are you okay?”

Neal set his fork down and rested his forehead in his palm, breathing erratically. He was throwing every possible profanity he knew around in his mind—regardless of language. He’d pleaded with the baby before leaving his apartment, begging it to let him keep his lunch down so he could have a nice dinner. Naturally, Neal’s begging was in vain.

Peter was staring at him across the table, more concerned than Elizabeth could ever possibly be. He noticed that Neal was beginning to sweat and he was breathing like he was trying not to throw up. “Neal, don’t sit there. Come on,” he said gently as he got up and walked around the table. Neal would have loved to prove Peter wrong and order him to sit down and leave him alone, but he knew he was going to throw up and he knew Peter would want to be there to comfort him. In that moment, he really didn’t give a damn.

He threw his chair back just enough for him to get up and Peter wrapped an arm around his waist, leading him towards the kitchen. Neal protested and Peter quickly changed their course, leading Neal upstairs and into the bathroom. He shut the door as Neal dropped to his knees in front of the toilet. He had the lid up and he was breathing heavily, but nothing was coming up. “I’m sorry,” he said thickly as his eyes watered. He felt so embarrassed.

“No,” Peter whispered, kneeling beside him, rubbing his back. “There’s no need to be sorry. Just take it easy.” Neal nodded slowly, shutting his eyes. Peter stayed with him patiently even as Neal’s body began to convulse a little. Neal immediately leaned forward and got sick. Peter shifted, straightening himself as he kept rubbing Neal’s back. He felt terrible as he watched Neal suffer. Fortunately, it was over pretty quickly. Neal just looked and felt miserable. “I’m sorry, honey,” Peter whispered, shifting to gently wrap his arms around Neal as Neal sat back. He lifted his left hand to brush Neal’s hair back, giving his miserable lover a sad smile.

Neal turned, resting his forehead on Peter’s shoulder. Peter held him without crushing him, rubbing his lower back. “I just wrecked dinner. That’s just fucking fantastic,” he muttered.

Peter shook his head. “That’s not true. Neal, don’t worry, okay? Maybe it was just a reaction to the food.” Neal shrugged, sighing unhappily. “Really, honey. It’s okay. There’s nothing to be sorry for.” He rubbed Neal’s stomach gently, whispering, “This little one better not torment us when it gets out here.”

Neal glanced over his shoulder. “ _Us?_ ” He assumed he’d be living on his own with the baby while Peter stayed where he was with Elizabeth.

“Yes,” Peter said tentatively. “Us because you’re not alone in this. I want to live with you and the baby when it’s born, Neal.” Neal started shaking his head and Peter sighed. “Neal, I can make the decision to dissolve my own marriage. I know you want me to stay with Elizabeth, but I love you—and I love this baby. I want to spend my life with you.”

“You said that when you married El,” Neal said pointedly. “You know, you cheated on her for me. Who’s to say you won’t find someone to cheat on me with?” Peter’s heart clenched when Neal said that, sounding upset. “I don’t want you to commit yourself to me and the baby if you don’t plan on sticking around. I’m either going to do this on my own or find someone that I can guarantee won’t leave me. I don’t want the baby to be confused. I don’t want it to get used to someone who won’t stick around for it and I don’t want it to think having multiple partners is okay.”

Peter’s heart hurt more by this point. If he understood what Neal was saying, Neal meant that what Peter was doing was _wrong._ To an extent, Peter knew he was wrong in cheating on his wife for his consultant. “Neal, do you regret being with me?”

Neal frowned. “No. I’ve been in love with you for a long time,” he whispered. “I tempted you, evidently, and I sometimes feel really guilty about that. I’m a monogamist, which is why I want _one_ partner to last without others involved. I’m really, really in love with you, Peter, so I’ve shoved aside my monogamist values because I desperately want to be with you.”

“Then let me talk to El,” Peter pleaded. “Let me explain what’s going on between us. She knows we’re close. We’re always together, Neal. Please?”

The younger man didn’t understand why Peter needed his permission. It was Peter’s marriage and he wanted to encourage that Peter stayed with Elizabeth, but Peter seemed like he wanted to stick with him and their baby. “I can’t make your decisions for you,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to do it right now though. Wait until the baby’s born, spend time with it and me, and then make your decision. It’ll be very quiet with El. With me, you’ll have a crying baby at, like, two or three in the morning.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s stomach, whispering, “Do you think the sound of my child’s crying is going to make me leave?” Neal closed his eyes, feeling a little sick again. Peter lifted his left hand, stroking the side of Neal’s face gently. “Neal, I’ve wanted to be a father for a long time. El and I tried for years. If you think I’m going to walk away from you both because it cries when it makes a mess in its diaper or when it’s hungry, then you’re damn wrong.” Neal couldn’t help feeling a little emotional in that moment. He didn’t know what to do or say to Peter. Tears slid down the sides of his face and he flinched when Peter’s hand rubbed his tears away. Peter fanned his fingers out over Neal’s cheek, rubbing his lips with his thumb. “Don’t cry, honey,” he whispered. “Everything will be okay. I’ll be there for you and our baby. I don’t care how late I’m up at night with you both or with the baby alone. Lack of sleep won’t make me love either of you less.”

“How can you be so sure that you’ll want to stay with me?” Neal asked, his voice barely above a whisper. “This whole thing is going to be so strange for both of us. I’ll be breastfeeding—and I know how fucked up that sounds, but I’m doing it anyway.” Peter kissed Neal’s forehead, rubbing his thumb over the corner of Neal’s mouth. “You really want to see me, a man, breastfeed a baby? You want to live with someone whose body will be scarred because he had a C-section? Are you really going to commit to this? Because I don’t want you to be here one day and not be there the next. I don’t want my baby to wonder why you’re never there. I don’t want it to feel like it’s the reason we separated.” He knew he was the reason his own parents separated and that was an awful feeling no matter how old he was. He really didn’t want his son or daughter to feel that same way.

“Neal,” Peter whispered. “Honey, breastfeeding is natural. No, it’s not natural for a man, but oh well. You’re going to breastfeed and I’m going to accept that, okay? It isn’t going to bother me at all.” He slid his hand down Neal’s face, throat, shoulder, and arm, eventually grasping Neal’s hand in his. “As for a scar… Neal, I couldn’t care less about that. You’re a beautiful man and that scar will constantly remind me that I have _you_ to be grateful to for having my child. I’m committing myself to this. I’ll talk to El soon and tell her the truth. I want to be with the two of you and I really want you to let me live with you or move somewhere else with me. Living away from you and the baby will hurt too much and I’ll constantly have you both on my mind anyway.”

The younger man stayed where he was, letting Peter take care of him for once. He wasn’t used to this man yet. He associated Peter’s touch with beatings and pain. Over time, he hoped he wouldn’t have fear shooting through him as a first response to Peter touching him. Letting Peter stroke his hair, his face, and his stomach were risky moves in Neal’s opinion. Peter’s pulled his hair before, punched him or slapped him in the face, and he’d punched Neal’s stomach before—well before the pregnancy began.

Things were going to get better at some point, he hoped.

•◊•

“Are you sure, Neal?” Peter asked softly as he watched his lover. “You don’t have to do this. I know you’re not feeling well and you’re still kind of upset. We can put this off until another night.” Neal shook his head, lowering his pants. He tossed them aside and neared Peter, who was sitting on the bed watching him. “I mean it, Neal. You don’t look like you want to do this.”

“I want it,” Neal said. “Let’s do it rough. Not majorly rough, but…rough.”

Peter watched Neal crawl onto the bed, shifting to lie on his back. He was only in his boxers and Peter knew that was his way of saying Peter could back out if he wanted to as well. “I know we rarely do this, but I want you to use the safe word tonight.” Neal’s head turned towards him and his brows furrowed. “If I’m hurting you, I want you to use it. Do you remember what it was?”

Neal frowned, whispering, “Prison.”

“Will you use it?” Neal nodded slowly. “If you don’t while you’re in pain, I’m not touching you that way for a while.”

“Okay,” Neal said quietly. “Just… Please don’t do anything to my stomach.”

Peter nodded, his eyes wide. “I wouldn’t dream of hurting our baby.” He got up from the bed and dropped his pants and briefs to the floor, pulling his shirt over his head to toss it down on top of the pile. He got onto his knees on the bed and tugged Neal’s boxers off, tossing them down into the pile. “Condom or no condom?”

“Are you going home to have sex with El after this?”

“You must think I have some amazing recovery time,” Peter teased. Neal gave him a half smile. “No, Neal. I’m going to make love with you and eventually go home, take a shower, and probably head to bed.” He shared a small look with Neal and Neal knew what he was going to say before he said it. “Unless, you know, you’re still feeling sick and need me to spend the night with you.” Neal laughed halfheartedly and Peter brushed Neal’s hair back. “I’m not saying we’ll have sex all night long. I’d be happy with five minutes.”

“I know, Peter,” Neal said quietly.

Peter chuckled nervously, feeling like he was going to mess this up already. There wasn’t much he could do to Neal this time. The younger man is already pregnant, so it wasn’t like he’d accidentally get him pregnant—again. “If I spend the night with you…”

Neal nodded. “Yeah. We can bareback it.” Peter was surprised to hear that. Throughout their years together, they hadn’t once had sex without a condom. Peter was kind of eager to go into his lover without one because sex always felt so good without the condom. He loves having sex with Neal, but it wasn’t the same. There wasn’t enough skin to skin contact between them. If he gave himself completely and solely to Neal, maybe Neal would trust him and be okay with this. Granted, they’d have to be careful once Neal was able to get pregnant again. Contraceptives hadn’t worked the first time, so they’d need to figure something out in case the condom decided to expire or break again. If Neal went through hell when the time came for him to deliver this baby, he definitely wouldn’t want to subject Neal to that experience again.

“How much foreplay do you want?”

“Up to you. I don’t mind if we just slick up and go.”

Peter wasn’t entirely sure if Neal’s heart was in this and that bothered him. He didn’t want to make Neal lie there if this wasn’t what he wanted. “How about we switch up the position? You feel like topping?”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “I’m assuming that’s your way of asking if I want to impale myself on you and not asking if I want to fuck you.”

“Do you want to fuck me?” Peter remembered Neal telling him that he had no idea how it felt to have a man inside of him and he found himself actually curious about it. If he ever let a man inside of him, it would most definitely be Neal and probably only Neal.

“No,” Neal whispered. “I’d rather not embarrass myself any more than I already have tonight.” He pushed himself up, feeling uncomfortable. He wouldn’t mind being inside of the older man, but it just felt wrong. It made no sense to him because he’s penetrated women before, so he didn’t think it would feel all that different with Peter.

They shifted positions and Neal watched Peter shift around to get comfortable. “You can just slick me up. I’m not asking for a blowjob.” Neal’s brows furrowed. “If you aren’t feeling well, I don’t want you to gag yourself on me, honey.”

“Oh,” Neal said, stunned. “Well, okay. Thanks.” He leaned over towards his nightstand and pulled the lube out of the nightstand drawer and then he crawled on top of Peter, straddling his thighs so he could slick his fingers up and tug at or stroke Peter’s very prominent erection. Even though he’d given Peter numerous handjobs over the years, he felt uncomfortable as he stroked the older man. He didn’t know what the hell his problem was, but it was pissing him off because he wanted to enjoy this. If he acted miserable, Peter would be miserable, and everything would just go to hell.

Peter watched Neal’s face and he could see the frustration that kept building up. The fact that Neal wasn’t hard told him that something was definitely wrong. “Neal, what is it, honey?” Neal shook his head and kept moving his hand. “Something’s bothering you.”

“I’m fine,” he said firmly. He didn’t want Peter to stop him. If they stopped now, he’d probably never go all the way through with this again.

“C’mere,” Peter whispered. “I’ll slick you up.” Neal leaned forward, resting his hands on either side of Peter’s head. Peter grabbed the bottle of lube, staring up at Neal’s face. He paused momentarily and set the bottle down. Neal’s heart sank because he thought it was over. What Peter did next surprised him. Peter slid his wedding ring off and set it on the nightstand. “When I’m with you, it’s just us,” he said softly.

Neal never thought he’d see the day when Peter Burke took his wedding ring off without feeling ‘naked’ or guilty. Granted, he was already naked, but still.

Peter picked up the bottle of lube again and generously coated his left middle and index fingers. He reached around Neal and Neal shifted again to make things easier on Peter. The older man hesitated before inserting his middle finger into his lover, eliciting a soft moan. Neal felt tingly inside as Peter’s finger brushed against his prostate gently. Part of him wanted to thrust down onto Peter’s fingers to get things going faster, but he also wanted to see how Peter was going to treat him now since this was the first time in months that they’d initiated sex.

“Oh…” Neal moaned, closing his eyes when Peter’s index finger joined his middle finger. He shuddered with pleasure and that feeling went directly to his cock, finally hardening it. He still didn’t know why he hadn’t been excited to start, but at least he was responding now. “Harder,” he whispered, knowing Peter was going to insert a third finger soon. Peter, once again, hesitated before doing so. He thrust his fingers back and forth inside of his lover, moving a little faster and making it a little rougher each time.

The younger man nearly yelped when Peter’s third finger slid into him. He’d been expecting it, but it felt different for whatever reason. Maybe it was because Peter was actually opening him up to make love to him rather than to just fuck him. He felt himself opening up as he finally relaxed, allowing Peter to work his muscles.

As soon as Peter knew Neal was fully open and willing to allow him entrance, he slid his fingers out of Neal and rested his hand on Neal’s thigh. Neal was breathing harder before he reached behind him, grasping Peter’s cock to keep it in place as he slid down onto it, moaning as he felt every ridge and the hard, warm skin of his lover. This was the first time it felt like this, but he definitely liked it. He created his own rhythm to pleasure himself. One look into Peter’s eyes gave him the impression that he was also very satisfied.

Their pace was consistent until Neal’s legs began to cramp. He was taken off guard when Peter grabbed his hips upon lifting up. Before he could impale himself once again, Peter began to thrust up into him in deep strokes. Neal felt like Peter was going to become part of him each time Peter slid into him. That feeling began to fade away as Peter changed the pace, thrusting harder and deeper. Neal gasped each time his prostate was hit. He liked that it was a good kind of pain, but it was still painful.

“Come, baby,” Peter whispered fiercely as he began to thrust into Neal at a pace that Neal wasn’t comfortable with. He’d felt like this before, like his body was being ripped apart by Peter’s cock. It was unpleasant, but he didn’t want Peter to get upset with him. He was used to allowing Peter to take control anyway, so he let the older man do just that.

After several _moments_ of that, Neal’s body shook violently. Peter kept thrusting into him with such a tremendous amount of force. Neal wasn’t entirely sure if this was Peter abusing him or just going a little too far in their rough sex. He knew Peter was going to come and he himself was on the very brink of doing so, but the pain was becoming unbearable and he had the feeling—quite possibly _knew_ —that he was bleeding. “Prison,” he hissed. “Prison. Prison. _Prison._ ”

Peter stopped moments too late. Both of them came in a rush and Peter tried his damnedest to ease Neal’s pain even as they finished. Neal kept trembling as Peter’s warmth filled him. His own seed was across Peter’s chest and they were both breathing heavily. “Neal, I’m so sorry,” Peter stammered. “I didn’t mean to—” Neal shifted, lying on his side beside Peter. He rested a hand on his lower back, gasping painfully. “Oh, shit,” Peter said, sounding horrified. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t!”

“Shut the hell up,” Neal hissed. “I know you didn’t mean to.” The pain was unbearable and he had no idea why. He’d never had _this_ much pain before.

Peter sat up immediately, resting his hand on Neal’s hip concernedly. He didn’t know what to do as he watched Neal suffer. He never had sex with anyone who was pregnant before, so he had no idea if that had anything to do with it, but he promised Neal silently that he’d correct this problem so as not to hurt Neal the next time—if there was a next time.

As soon as Neal relaxed again, he looked up at Peter apologetically. “Are you all right?”

“I am now,” Neal whispered. “It just hurt like hell for a few minutes.” Peter frowned, sliding his hand over Neal’s hip and down to his lower back tentatively. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything,” Peter said earnestly.

“Can you reach into my nightstand, grab my Tylenol, and get me a glass of water?” Peter nodded, sliding off of the bed quickly to do that. He grabbed the Tylenol bottle from the drawer and handed it to Neal before heading over to the sink to quickly fill up a glass. He brought it back to Neal and held it until Neal was ready to take it. Neal took a sip and swallowed two pills. “Thank you,” he whispered. His gaze drifted down to Peter’s chest and he smiled weakly. Peter gave him a look of confusion and he muttered, “You have a bit of a mess there.”

Peter glanced down at his chest. He hadn’t paid much attention to himself when Neal admitted that he was in pain, but Neal’s come was beginning to dry on him. He rubbed his palm over his chest, gathering up as much of it as he could—just to lick it off a moment later. Neal shivered and Peter smiled softly at him. He laid down in front of Neal after he’d finished cleaning his chest off and Neal scooted closer to him, draping his arm over Peter’s side. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Neal shook his head. “I’m sorry that I kinda fucked up sex,” he whispered. “I really hope it isn’t going to be like that every time.” Peter kissed him, telling him not to worry about the sex for the moment. “Are you… Are you still willing to stay the night?”

“Certainly,” Peter whispered, reaching out to rub Neal’s abdomen. He sat up and Neal made a sound of protest until he realized Peter was just grabbing the blanket. “I’m not leaving you,” he said softly, kissing Neal’s nose. “Relax, honey,” he said as he draped the blanket over Neal. He tucked it in around the younger man, making sure he was covered up well. “By the way,” he added, “you aren’t bleeding.” Neal raised an eyebrow and Peter’s face flushed. “I never realized that I’d made you bleed before. I…kinda looked to check and you’re okay. Plus, there’s no blood on me, so I think you’re fine.”

“Thank you,” Neal said appreciatively. He watched Peter get comfortable beside him until Peter was finally lying down in front of him, smiling at him. “You forgot to get the light.” Peter made a look of apology, sitting up to turn over. He dimmed the light and turned to get into his original position. Neal tentatively scooted closer and was surprised as well as pleased that Peter held him close. His arms were wrapped around Neal, protecting him.

Peter, unfortunately, wasn’t going to last much longer. As much as he wanted to stay up and make sure Neal was all right, he was drained. “Good night,” he whispered, pecking Neal’s lips gently. “I love you…so much. I want you to wake me up if something hurts or if something’s wrong.”

“I love you,” Neal murmured. He shifted, nuzzling his face against Peter’s throat. “Good night, Peter.” He didn’t fall asleep immediately. He stayed awake, listening to Peter’s breathing even out as Peter succumbed to sleep. This side of Peter was what he hoped he could have every day. He knew that would only happen by way of a miracle, but it was nice to think that Peter was changing and becoming more considerate and aware of Neal’s pain. Neal could see that Peter was trying now and he appreciated that greatly. Slowly, he would learn to trust his lover, partner, and best friend again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little complicated for Peter.

Neal glanced to his left, seeing how eager Peter was. He was constantly squeezing Neal’s fingers while they waited for the practitioner to come for them. Neal wanted to make a comment, but he didn’t want to discourage Peter, so he let it go. It was understandable that Peter was excited. This was the first time he’d actually see an ultrasound. “How’re you feeling?” the older man asked him quietly, meeting Neal’s gaze.

“I feel okay. I haven’t gotten sick yet, which is fantastic.” Peter gave him a half smile, looking sympathetic. He shook his head, leaning towards Peter to rest his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re with me this time, Peter.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair, rubbing Neal’s hand with his thumb. “I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want me to be here, honey, so thank you.” Neal smiled. He appreciated that Peter’s been so kind and gentle with him. They’d discovered last week that Neal’s a little sensitive during sex, so they were taking it easy and Peter offered to give his lower back a massage if Neal wanted him to. The first time Peter offered, Neal had been terrified to accept, but he accepted nonetheless. For the next few days following, he practically begged Peter to massage him. Peter’s hands were magical when they weren’t unleashing pain. “I love you.”

Neal kissed Peter’s shoulder, murmuring, “I love you, too.” They’d been spending a lot of time together lately and Neal was afraid that Elizabeth would be concerned and start asking questions. He was truly surprised that Elizabeth hadn’t once asked him why Peter kept spending the night with him. He made sure he had Peter stay with Elizabeth for at least two consecutive nights during the last week just so he could keep up the little charade for now. Peter swore that he and Elizabeth hadn’t been having sex at all and that was worrying Neal, too.

The practitioner came out and Neal sat up, sliding out of his seat while gently tugging on Peter’s hand. Both men left their seats and made their way over to the woman who was smiling at them. “Good afternoon, Mister Caffrey.”

“Good afternoon, Maya—and I’ve told you repeatedly to just call me Neal.” He glanced up at Peter when Peter squeezed his hand. “This is Peter Burke. He’s the baby’s father. Well, _other_ father.” He watched the practitioner and Peter exchange pleasantries and then they headed into the back towards the room Neal’s gotten accustomed to seeing.

Peter let go of Neal’s hand so Neal could get himself ready. He was eager to see Peter’s reaction to actually watching the baby move a little. Neal still didn’t feel any of the movements, but he knew it was moving around inside of him. “What’re you doing?” Peter asked curiously when Neal lifted his shirt and the practitioner began to rub gel over the baby bump.

“The gel is meant to allow this device,” she said, showing him the ultrasound transducer, “to show us your baby, which will appear on the screen right here.”

Neal took Peter’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers as the practitioner began to rub the ultrasound transducer over Neal’s abdomen. Peter curiously watched the screen and Neal kept his eyes on Peter. They watched the morphing image on the screen until the baby became a little easier to see and Peter’s entire expression just lit up. “That’s our baby,” Neal said softly.

Peter looked so overwhelmingly happy and that made Neal’s heart skip a beat. The practitioner pointed a few things out to Peter since it was his first time, so she made sure he knew where the legs and arms were as well as where the heartbeat was. Peter just seemed absolutely mesmerized as he watched their baby move. “Oh, Neal…” he whispered, squeezing Neal’s hand. Neal smiled up at him when Peter met his gaze.

They stayed a little longer than usual because Peter kept asking questions about how he could help Neal throughout the pregnancy. She didn’t have very many suggestions aside from watching what they both eat, eating healthy foods, and perhaps doing exercises together. Walking together was one thing she recommended, suggesting that it would help their relationship as well as Neal in general.

By the time they’d gotten into Peter’s Taurus, Peter was extremely excited. “Wow. Who knew Agent Peter Burke would be so thrilled about his consultant having his baby?” he teased.

Peter reached over to stroke Neal’s hair gently. “It’s just the fact that it’s you and that this is something I never expected we’d go through. I’m thrilled that you let me come with you. Seeing the baby move was beautiful, Neal.”

He kept his fingers threaded through Neal’s hair as he drove them to Neal’s apartment. They had reservations for dinner in two hours, so they were going to relax together until then. Elizabeth was home and Neal was afraid that she’d catch on if Peter didn’t come home to her soon. Peter told him that he made up something about a stakeout to ensure that he could spend as much time as possible with him. Neal didn’t like that Peter was lying to his wife, but he could see that Peter’s heart was focused on him and he really, really liked that.

In time, he would apologize to Elizabeth for stealing her husband’s heart, but he actually wanted Peter with him now that Peter knew he was pregnant. He felt like Peter definitely wanted to be with him no matter what. He wanted to go to the ultrasound, to be in the room when Neal’s giving birth, and he’s already thrown around some ideas for baby names—mostly baby girl names. Peter really wanted a boy, but Neal kind of wanted to have a girl. As he’d said before, he didn’t care what he got. He just wanted a healthy baby, but he did suggest that he’d like to have a girl when he was speaking to Peter one night, so Peter took off with that and began to throw out some names. He suggested Isabelle or Isabella, Paige, Samantha, and Katelyn. Neal shot down Katelyn and Peter apologized for that, but Neal ended the conversation when Peter accidentally suggested ‘Elizabeth.’ They hadn’t really talked about it much since then, but Neal had gotten over it. If they were going to have a daughter, he didn’t want to name it after the woman Peter cheated on in order to be with him. That just seemed like it would constantly guilt him and remind him that he’d fucked something good up.

“Can I ask you something?” Neal said as they’d gotten into the apartment and Peter was taking his own suit jacket off to hang on the back of a chair. Neal went to get changed in his bedroom, but it wasn’t very far from where Peter was presently standing.

“Of course.”

Neal warily glanced at the kitchenette as Peter took a seat. He unzipped his pants and pulled them off, followed by his dress shirt. “How do you know you’ll never cheat on me?” he asked tentatively.

He was surprised that he didn’t hear Peter shoving the chair back so he could storm over to him and beat the living hell out of him. Instead, he just stayed at the small table. “What I have—had—with Elizabeth was great. I love that woman dearly and she’s been nothing but fantastic over the last decade that we’ve had together.” Neal’s heart sank because he felt like Peter was going to say that the two of them would never have anything like that. “Between us, there’s a sense of challenge. We have such an unpredictable relationship and I find you fascinating.” Neal’s brows furrowed. He wasn’t sure if ‘fascinating’ was a good reason for Peter to want to be with him. “I don’t have any expectations for you because you’re so unique. When I’m with you, I feel comfortable. You’re a conman who’s working on reforming himself. If you didn’t want to live a normal life, you wouldn’t be trying as hard as you have been.”

Pulling on a nice, comfortable shirt and casual pants that would still work for their dinner that evening, Neal asked, “But, as you said, you loved Elizabeth. I know there are a lot of reasons for you to love her. With us, I’m just a challenging, unpredictable conman. I don’t see how you can pull love out of any of that like you did with Elizabeth.”

The chair Peter was sitting in scooted back and Neal’s heart raced as he turned to watch Peter walk towards him. Peter lifted his left hand to stroke Neal’s cheekbone the second he was close enough and Neal hadn’t been expecting that. “I’ve seen multiple sides of you by working with you. I’ve seen you keep secrets from me, upset with me because I kept a secret from you… I’ve seen your mind work when you’re trying to help me solve a case. You’re dedicated to working cases out with me and I always love how brilliant you are. You’re an art aficionado and I know I’m not the biggest art fan, but I could try to become one for you. I’ve listened to you talk about art passionately and it’s beautiful to see how much detail you can hold in that head of yours. You know a lot of things that someone may never expect you to know and you’ll pull it out when it’s convenient and prove them wrong.” He leaned forward and kissed the tip of Neal’s nose. “I love being with you because you’re such an intelligent man. I love watching you put your heart into everything you do, especially when it’s a case involving children. There’s not a single doubt in my mind that you’ll be a fantastic father because I’ve seen you work your ass off to resolve a case with a child involved. Despite loving Elizabeth, I’ve always wanted to be with a man, Neal, and you’re the first man I’ve loved.”

Neal smiled a little, blinking back tears. “Peter…” he whispered.

“I’m the man who put you into prison twice, yet you’ve still worked very well alongside me. You’ve given me a fantastic reputation within the bureau, but, more importantly than that, you’ve given me a fantastic friend— _best_ friend. I don’t simply love you because you’re right there for me to love. I love you because we were friends before we became friends with benefits. You’re _my_ best friend, Neal, and I’m actually afraid of losing you. I’ve always been afraid of the day you’d run away from me forever. I’d be crushed if I had to live the rest of my life without seeing your slick smile, the slyness in your eyes, and without hearing you tell me you love me when I’ve admitted that I love you. Now that you’re having our baby, I have a deeper connection to you. I want to be with you and our child.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s cheeks, wiping Neal’s tears away when they fell. “I know I won’t cheat on you because there are so many things about you that I love, that I could never get tired of. You keep my life interesting. With you, there’s never a dull moment. With you, we’ll have a little part of both of us to raise and I can’t wait. I, someday, hope you’ll marry me. You’re the one I really want and I know I can’t love anyone more than I love you. I love you more than Elizabeth and I’m going to love this baby as much as I love you. The baby is the only exception to my love, but no one else can ever compare to you.”

•◊•

Elizabeth sat in the living room with a cup of coffee, waiting for her husband shortly after four in the evening. She hadn’t spoken to him once in almost twenty-four hours and she was beginning to worry—and get a little suspicious. Peter has been staying out with Neal a lot more than usual and it made her question what they were doing. To an extent, she believed Peter and Neal had a relationship deeper than friendship. She wasn’t sure how deep that friendship went and she wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about it. Peter has been her husband for more than a decade, but he was spending more time with Neal than he was with her.

Looking up as the door opened, she immediately focused on her husband. Peter came in sighing until he realized Elizabeth was waiting for him. “El,” he whispered, surprised to see her right there. “What’re you doing?”

“Waiting for my husband,” she said firmly, “who never seems to be around nowadays.”

Peter swallowed hard, shutting the door. He’d been hoping he could sneak in, change his clothes, and sneak out without her knowing. Naturally, he couldn't get what he wanted. “I’m sorry, El. I… You know how stakeouts work. Some are quick while others seem to drag—”

“I’m assuming your stakeouts are focused primarily on Neal.” His eyes widened as he stared at her. “What’s going on between you two, Peter? You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with him day and night.”

“There’s nothing going on between him and me. He’s going through some things and I’m trying to help him.” She looked a bit skeptical and he sighed heavily. “El, Neal is going through something very stressful and it’s taking its toll on him. I’m trying to…to make things easier for him.”

She looked away from him, whispering, “I found condoms in your wallet the other day.” Peter froze immediately, tensing. “What’s really going on between you and Neal?”

“El, there’s nothing—”

“You and I don’t use condoms, Peter,” she said thickly as tears welled up in her eyes. “The only reason you’d have condoms is if you’re seeing someone on the side. Because you’ve been spending so much time with Neal, I’m just going to assume it’s him.” He tried to deny it and she wasn’t having any of it. “Don’t lie to me, Peter Burke. You and I have never once used condoms, so why else would you need them?”

They were both silent for quite some time. Peter didn’t know what to say. He knew that Elizabeth was aware of the fact that he could lose his job for having an inappropriate relationship with his CI. He wouldn’t be the first agent to do so. Even though he has a male CI, it wouldn’t matter. They would still consider it an inappropriate relationship and they would accuse him of abusing his control of Neal, his status as Neal’s handler. “I’ve been with Neal,” he said quietly, admitting to his wrongdoings that he didn’t regret. “We’ve been together for several years now.” She stared at him in horror, pained by the fact that her husband had been cheating on her for _years._

“Peter, you know what this can do to your career.”

Peter made a sound of frustration as he said, “Yes. I know what it can do to my career. Elizabeth, I’m not abusing my relationship with him. I’m not forcing him to be with me. Our relationship is completely—” He hesitated. It wasn’t _completely_ consensual. He’d sexually and physically abused Neal repeatedly. That had never been part of their deal, so he’d done it without Neal’s consent. He was rough with Neal and that was part of what led them to where they were now. He’d be damned if he told Elizabeth that Neal’s carrying his child though. One bombshell was enough for the time being. “I love him,” he whispered.

Elizabeth was stunned, unable to believe that her husband—her loyal husband—was unfaithful. She never would have expected that of Peter. “I’ve been cheating on you, too,” she said tightly. Peter’s eyes widened. With how hostile she was after he’d admitted to having an affair with Neal, he never would have thought he’d hear his wife say she was also having an affair. “When you’re with Neal, I’m with Mozzie.”

Incredulously, Peter cried, “Mozzie? _Mozzie?_ Of all people, why _Mozzie?_ ”

“I could ask you the same, Peter. Why Neal? Of all people, why Neal? Why are you with a man?” He stared at her sadly and she sighed, answering, “Because he cares about me, Peter. He and I relate on a variety of levels—the same way you and Neal do apparently. Mozzie told me that you and Neal were seeing each other several weeks ago. I wanted to see how long it would take you to tell me and I honestly thought Mozzie was just jealous and spiteful until I went through your wallet to borrow twenty dollars.”

“How can you be so hypocritical? You’ve been with Mozzie for only God knows how long, yet you never once felt like you should admit that to me. I don’t owe you any God damn apologies, Elizabeth.”

“I hope you’re happy with Neal,” she said bitterly. “You’ve seen how he bounces between women. I’m sure you’re just another fling for him.”

He bristled at that. Despite his personal issues with Neal due to the fact that Neal was upset with him for abusing him, he would never consider Neal to be a whore and that was what Elizabeth was implying. “He hasn’t been with anyone since he and I got together. He’s faithful.”

She laughed, shaking her head. “Pack your things and get out.”

“Where am I supposed to go?”

“Your boyfriend has an apartment. Maybe you can move in with him. After all, you’re spending most of your time there anyway. You’ve already spent several nights in his bed. Why not make it a permanent arrangement?” Peter’s face heated up as he stared at his wife. He still loves her, but this stung. He was guilty about cheating on her, yet she’d been cheating on him at the same time—with Neal’s best friend, too. “Unless you don’t think it’ll last.”

He shook his head, heading upstairs to pack his things. She followed him into their bedroom and watched him throw his clothing into a suitcase. “Neal is no whore, Elizabeth. He’s had several relationships. Haven’t we all?” His question sounded pointed, like he was aiming it directly at her.

“Mozzie and I aren’t separating,” she declared. Peter scoffed and shook his head. “I’m pregnant, Peter.” Peter froze and slowly turned to look at her. “I’m two and a half months pregnant with Mozzie’s baby.” Peter couldn’t believe this. How in the hell had all of this happened? He’d accidentally impregnated the one person in his life he never realized he _could_ impregnate, yet he’d been having unprotected sex with Elizabeth since the day they’d gotten married. In that time, she’d never once gotten pregnant with _his_ child, yet she was now pregnant with Mozzie’s. “I’ve been pregnant with your baby twice,” she whispered, surprising the hell out of him, “and I’ve aborted it both times.”

Peter felt so emotional after listening to her say that to him. He’s always wanted to have children and he always wondered how they hadn’t conceived in all of their years of marriage. This explained so much, but it didn’t explain everything. “You’re my wife. Why would you abort my children?”

She shook her head, blinking back tears. “Because I didn’t really want to be with you, Peter. You’re a good man, but you’re never here. I can’t raise a baby on my own and I didn’t want the baby to live without its father being there to support it.”

“I would have been there,” he said thickly. “I would have been supportive. I would have been in its life. You never gave me the chance!”

“You never deserved the chance!” she retorted. “You could get killed at any given moment, Peter, because you’re an FBI agent. I don’t want my baby to live its life without ever getting to know its father. It would have been selfish to have a child with you because I would have caused the baby pain. It would have wondered why you were never there. It would have blamed itself for your not being there.”

He was really hurt and really pissed off. They’d been married for more than a decade and she’d been pregnant twice and aborted two of his babies. He hadn’t known in all of his years with Neal that Neal was capable of conceiving, yet Neal hadn’t even dared to consider abortion. That said a lot about Neal. Neal was prepared to raise the baby on his own if he couldn’t rely on Peter and Peter had given him plenty of reason to believe he wouldn’t be reliable. But Elizabeth… She’d never intended on raising a baby with him. He couldn’t believe this. His own wife aborted their children, yet the man he was having an affair with was having his baby. All of this made no sense at all to Peter and it was crushing him.

“Good luck,” he whispered as he finished stuffing his items of importance and clothing into the suitcase. He left immediately thereafter and headed directly to Neal’s apartment, needing to speak to the younger man about all of this before he drowned in his pain.

•◊•

Neal grabbed his mail on the way up to his apartment after he returned from buying himself groceries. He carried everything upstairs and had difficulty unlocking the door at first, but he managed nonetheless. Setting the mail down on the countertop, he moved towards the refrigerator to store his foods. “You can come out, Mozzie,” he called out as he moved things around to make more room.

“Ah… Oh, hello, Neal.”

“There’s half a bottle of red on the table with barely a quarter of it left in a glass,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “You’re getting very sloppy, my friend.” Neal straightened up and closed the refrigerator door, staring at his best friend who looked very flustered. “Is something wrong?”

Mozzie darted past him, muttering, “That depends on your viewpoint.” He paused as he lifted his glass of wine off of the table. “Then again, you may understand.” Neal crossed his arms over his chest, shifting his balance as he gave his friend a curious look. “Neal, I have… I have a confession.” There was a brief pause as Neal gave Mozzie the opportunity to give his confession. Mozzie, however, was enjoying the theatrics of the moment. “While you have had your affair with the Suit since the beginning of time, I…have had an affair of my own that I should perhaps make you aware of due to a complication that may or may not affect both of our relationships.”

Neal’s brows furrowed. “You aren’t making much sense to me, Moz.”

“I’ve impregnated a partner I’ve had an affair with.”

The younger man’s eyes widened. “ _You_ were careless? Moz, that’s how _I_ got pregnant.” He shook his head a moment later and asked, “Who the hell is pregnant with your baby?”

Mozzie looked ashamed as he muttered, “El.” Neal swore he heard that wrong, so he leaned forward a bit, asking Mozzie to repeat that again. “I impregnated Elizabeth.” Neal’s jaw dropped as he stared at the older man. Mozzie’s hands flew out as he said defensively, “She’s fine with it. She said she’ll have it for me.”

“And what exactly is Peter supposed to think when—?” Someone knocked on his door once and he glanced at it curiously, wondering who was there now. “June?” he called out.

“No. It’s Peter,” the voice behind the door mumbled.

“You better hide,” Neal hissed to his friend. Mozzie darted off into the hallway and Neal quickly moved the wine from the table. He didn’t want Peter thinking he was drinking. Both of them knew that wasn’t good for the baby. “Coming,” he said as Peter asked if he should leave. He pulled the door open a moment later and smiled up at Peter, only to have it falter a moment later. “Peter, what’s wrong? You look really upset,” he said concernedly.

Peter nodded and whispered, “I needed you.” Neal nodded and gestured for Peter to come into the apartment. Peter stepped in and Neal shut the door, moving around Peter a moment later to stand in front of him, resting his hands on Peter’s chest. That was when he realized Peter had a suitcase in hand. “As it turns out, I’m not the only unfaithful one in my marriage.”

Neal’s eyes widened. He _just_ found out himself, but he couldn’t believe Elizabeth would’ve told Peter so soon. He hadn’t even told Peter until he was basically four months pregnant—and the information wasn’t exactly voluntarily given. “Peter,” he whispered apologetically. “I’m so sorry.” He hugged Peter, rubbing his lower back. He closed his eyes and listened to Peter’s even breathing as Peter’s arms slid around him. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Do you mind if I stay with you?” Peter asked miserably. “I know it’s terrible of me to just drop in and ask, but Elizabeth kicked me out and I honestly don’t feel comfortable anywhere else.” Even before Neal could respond, Peter said, “She knows I’ve been seeing you, but she doesn’t know you’re pregnant.”

The younger man felt like his eyes should stay wide as he listened to his lover. “How did she know?”

“My careless mistake with condoms.” Neal backed up and glanced up at Peter. “I’m not calling the baby a mistake. Elizabeth was trying to borrow money from my wallet and she found some condoms I kept in there just in case you ever wanted to, you know, without thinking it out entirely. It wasn’t hard for her to piece things together then since she and I don’t use condoms.”

Neal nodded slowly, whispering, “You can stay with me. I don’t mind at all.” He lifted his hand to stroke the side of Peter’s face, giving him a small smile. “You can stay as long as you’d like, Peter.” Peter rested his forehead against Neal’s, shutting his eyes tightly. They still had dinner reservations in about forty-five minutes, but Neal wasn’t sure if they were going to make it.

Peter’s left hand slid between them so he could rest his hand on Neal’s stomach. “Thank you,” he whispered. Neal took Peter’s suitcase from him and kissed him gently, giving his lover a small smile that Peter appreciated in that moment. Peter watched Neal carry the suitcase into the bedroom and that warmed his heart. He hadn’t even asked if he could share the bed with Neal, but Neal was allowing him to.

“Do you still want to go out for dinner or would you rather eat in?” Neal asked as he unpacked Peter’s things. Peter left clothes in the apartment on occasion, so Neal had a place for Peter. He hadn’t expected Peter to come live with him like this, but he wasn’t going to pretend he wasn’t happy with the fact that Peter came to him before anyone else. “If you’re too upset to go out, I can call and reschedule.”

“No. It’s our date. I promised you I would take you to dinner, so I’m taking you to dinner.”

Peter stayed true to his word and took Neal out, buying him anything and everything he wanted or craved. It was definitely one of the best dinner dates they’ve had and it was even better because it hadn’t ended with violence.

Upon returning to the apartment, Neal went to go check the mail he’d brought up earlier. In the midst of Mozzie’s confession and Peter’s haywire feelings, he hadn’t had the time to open anything and read it. He was opening up a couple bills first, knowing he needed to pay those to June so she could pay the bigger bills. He set them down aside from everything else and went through the rest. There were some letters that didn’t apply to him in the slightest and some that were advertising something. He tossed those ones and was left with a small envelope. It had no return address, but Neal’s name and address were on the front.

Curious, he opened it and pulled the note out. It was folded in half twice, so he unfolded it to read it. It was a short message written with cutout magazine letters. His eyes widened as he comprehended what the message meant—and there was a picture attached to the back. ‘ _I know your secrets._ ’ That was all it said and there was a picture of him and Peter attached. Neal’s shirt was lifted and Peter was touching his belly to feel the baby bump.

“Peter,” he called out frantically. Peter made a mad dash back to him even though he’d been heading towards the bathroom. He gave Neal a look of concern, thinking something was wrong with the baby almost immediately. “Peter, someone knows. Someone knows everything.” Peter stood at Neal’s side, taking the letter from him. He read it over and then he glanced at the picture as well. “Who the hell could possibly know? My doctors have kept everything confidential and only my obstetrician knows that you’re the father. Other than them, you and Mozzie are the only ones who know.”

The older man met Neal’s eyes, seeing the fear in those blue orbs. “I swear to you that I didn’t tell anyone. I haven’t even hinted it to anyone.” Neal knew that Mozzie wouldn’t reveal this to anyone. Mozzie wouldn’t turn on him. That didn’t help clear anything up regardless. He still had no idea who sent this or what their game was. “Nobody could possibly know. You’ve been wearing your suits to work and I know you’re discrete when you go to your appointments.”

Neal shook his head. “Someone does.”

Peter slid his arm around Neal’s waist, rubbing his left hip. “We’ll figure this out. This is what we do for a living. We’ll find whoever sent this and everything else will come to light shortly thereafter.” He kissed Neal’s temple and stilled his hand on Neal’s hip. “Everything is going to be just fine. If I’m somehow found out, I’m not leaving you. You are not doing this on your own. I’ve promised you that I’m going to be there when you have the baby and I refuse to break that promise—even if the law is involved. I don’t want to leave you to do this alone.”

“If you get arrested…”

“I won’t be. To be blunt, who’s going to believe that I’ve impregnated you?”

Neal shrugged. “That may be our only saving grace to begin with. I can deny that we’ve had sex and misdirect the conversation to lead it away from you.”

Peter shook his head. “I don’t want you to lie. If we go to court and you lie under oath, you’ll go to prison. You’ll have our child in prison and our child will be taken away from us.” Neal’s eyes watered as he thought about all of this. He didn’t want to go back to prison, especially if he had to go back while he was pregnant. He’d heard too many stories about prison rape and he’d heard it in the cell beside his own at one point. He didn’t want to become a victim of that. If they all knew he was capable of carrying a child, they’d probably find him to be an interesting target. “Whatever we do, we’re telling the truth—or at least a partial truth. No direct lies.”

The younger man nodded and set the letter on the table. “Okay. We’ll just…let this play out.” He met Peter’s gaze and could see that Peter was just as afraid as he was. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and kissed his neck gently.

“We’re gonna be just fine,” Peter said quietly. “The _three_ of us.” He slid one arm back until his hand was resting on Neal’s stomach. Rubbing the bump gently, he whispered, “I’m not letting anyone put you or the baby in jeopardy. I love you both, Neal.” Neal closed his eyes and nodded slowly. After everything they’d been through, he knew Peter wouldn’t let anything happen to him or their baby. He trusted Peter enough to know that Peter was going to take care of them.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things become a little more...complicated.

Neal’s eyes flew open and his hand immediately rested on his stomach. He could feel something moving inside of him and it felt so strange to him. He shook Peter’s arm as he pushed himself up a bit. Peter startled and looked up at him, concerned. “I can feel the baby,” he whispered. Peter grinned at him sleepily and allowed Neal to take his hand, resting it over the baby bump. Neal watched Peter’s face as he held Peter’s hand above where the baby was nudging him. “Can you feel it?”

Peter’s entire expression lit up and he met Neal’s gaze. “Yes.” He was just over six months pregnant now and he’s been feeling a little better. Peter’s been going out on walks with him on occasion, so he hadn’t gained all that much weight in the last couple of months. He liked that because he still didn’t look pregnant. He’d definitely gained a few pounds, but he was still moderately thin by his standards. “Neal, this is beautiful,” Peter whispered. Peter’s eyes were watering as Neal moved his hand slowly to keep Peter’s hand above where the baby was kicking or shifting.

“It feels weird,” Neal admitted, “but I like it.”

The older man chuckled, rubbing his eyes with his free hand before lifting it to stroke the side of Neal’s face lovingly. “I love it.”

Neal kept smiling. He never pictured himself being so happy with a child growing inside of him. The feeling of his baby moving around made him giddy and anxious at the same time. It was such an odd feeling for him, but he missed it as soon as it stopped. He’d come to terms with the pregnancy several weeks ago, but actually feeling his baby made it feel so real. As if morning sickness hadn’t made it real enough, the baby’s movements made the reality of the situation a little more exciting. “Maya said we might be able to figure out if we’re having a boy or girl when we go back in.”

Peter nodded, leaning over to kiss Neal’s jaw. “I’m going to be right there with you when you find out. I’m excited to know. It’ll make naming it and buying things for it a hell of a lot easier.”

The younger man chuckled. “Indeed.” He looked down at his stomach and then met Peter’s gaze. “Did you have any ideas for boy names? Just in case it turns out to be a boy.” Peter looked stunned, like he hadn’t been expecting to think about names for boys. He just assumed they’d be having a little girl because that was what Neal wanted. “I guess it’s a good thing I started thinking of some then,” he said sarcastically.

“I’d love to hear them.”

Neal nodded. “I like Jayden, Jason, Damon, and Dominic.” Peter raised an eyebrow, loving how he’d isolated four names between two letters. “Brendon and Xavier were originally in that listing,” he said defensively. “I wanted to think of some names that sounded good with…” He trailed off, looking nervous. “…your last name,” he whispered.

“Jayden Burke, Jason Burke, Damon Burke, or Dominic Burke.” Neal smiled sheepishly, expecting Peter to hate the idea entirely. He wasn’t sure how their relationship was going to work out just yet. As long as he was Peter’s CI, they couldn’t come out and say they were together, which meant they couldn’t get married even if they wanted to and giving the baby Peter’s last name was a little risky. “I like them all. Did you have middle names in mind? I’ve gotten into Isabelle Lynn Burke and, suddenly, Mariah Marie Burke.”

“Jayden Joseph, Jason Michael, Damon Micah, and Dominic Jase.”

Again, Peter raised his eyebrow. “You have a very unique imagination when it comes to naming your child,” he teased. “I, personally, like Damon or Dominic, but I’m okay with whatever you like more.”

Neal shrugged. “How about Mariah Marie for a girl and Dominic Jase for a boy?”

Peter grinned at him. “Perfect,” he whispered. “We’ve finally narrowed the list down to one name per gender, which will make our lives a hell of a lot easier when we discover what we’re having.” He rubbed Neal’s stomach, whispering, “I can finally talk to the little one and use its name once we figure out if it’s a boy or girl.”

The younger man loved the idea of having Peter talk to the baby. Peter’s done it a few times already. The other day, Neal was sitting on the couch to watch some television and Peter knelt in front of him on the floor and rubbed over the baby bump, telling it he couldn’t wait to hold it when it’s finally born. “I love you,” Neal whispered, staring intently at his lover.

“And I love you,” Peter said, leaning to kiss him sweetly. “I love you very much and I love our baby.” He kissed Neal’s cheek, jaw, and then his throat, murmuring, “I will love you forever. You mean so much to me.”

Neal still had an inkling of fear within himself as he thought about Peter staying with him and the baby in the long term. He does love Peter and he’s starting to believe that Peter loves him—for him instead of just for sexual purposes. What kept his doubts in place was that their relationship is beyond complicated. Peter, technically, is still married to Elizabeth even if he took his ring off the night he’d come to Neal, asking if he could stay with him. Peter was still in love with Elizabeth and he was furious with Mozzie, which meant Mozzie couldn’t come around when Peter was there. He and Mozzie had been spending less and less time together because of Peter. What was more complicated than that was Neal’s obligation to complete his sentence with the FBI—with Peter as his handler. He didn’t know how he was going to get away with his pregnancy without revealing that Peter’s the one who impregnated him.

He really didn’t want anyone to know he was pregnant and he couldn’t figure out how they would explain why he needed to take several weeks off. Soon, Peter would take him out of the field, so he’d be forced to work in the office while Peter was working the field—even though Peter promised they would do casework at the office together so Neal wasn’t lonely. Neal highly doubted that the top agent of the bureau would take time off from the field to sit in a lousy office doing paperwork with him.

Peter definitely seemed like he cared more than he used to, almost like he cared as much as he did when they’d initiated their relationship. When they’ve had sex lately, it hadn’t been just sex. Peter was making love to him again and it was a wonderful feeling. Peter filled him and surrounded him with love, whispering loving words to him while they were so close. He’s been doing everything he could to please Neal when they’re in or out of bed, so Neal wouldn’t deny that Peter was putting effort into their relationship. He just hoped Peter would continue to put effort into it.

•◊•

Neal walked into _Burke Premiere Events_ as though he were welcome. He knew Peter would probably pull up his tracking data and question him, wondering why he went to see Elizabeth. In truth, he didn’t know why he was there. He felt compelled to see her since he hadn’t spoken to her in roughly two months. “Hi,” Yvonne said as he walked in a little more. “You’re a friend of Peter’s, right?” He nodded. “What can I do for you?”

“Would you be able to tell me where Elizabeth is? I’m actually here to see her.”

“Certainly. She’s just down the hall, to the left.”

He thanked her and headed down the hall, taking the first left he came across. Elizabeth’s office was directly ahead and he bit his lip before he was close enough to knock on the door. “Come in,” she said, sounding happy and a little distracted. He knew that he could con himself into this, so he went in with a smile on his face. She looked up at him and he saw the immediate shock on her face. “Neal? Aren’t you supposed to be at the bureau?”

Nodding, he asked, “Can I talk to you?”

“Sure.”

He took the seat in front of her desk and sat down, leaning forward a bit to make direct eye contact with her. “I know that you’re aware of my relationship with Peter and I’m also aware of…” He nodded towards her midsection and she looked surprised as hell. “I didn’t come by because I want to gloat. I came by because I want to know how you’re doing.”

Elizabeth looked genuinely surprised by how he was acting. “I’m doing as well as I can. How’s Peter?”

Neal shrugged a bit. “He’s okay. I won’t lie to you and tell you he’s perfectly happy. He is unhappy and I know he still loves you even if he tries to deny it.” She nodded and sighed. “I’m sorry, El. I’m not sorry for loving Peter, but I am sorry for ruining your marriage. Even now, knowing that you were cheating on him, too, I still feel guilty. There were several instances in which I wanted to be honest with you about it, but I kept quiet for Peter.”

“I admit that I was a little spiteful when I discovered that you two were together. At least you’re a good man. I know you won’t hurt him. And, honestly, I’m glad he’s not with some woman because he accidentally impregnated her.” Neal hid his hurt very well. He knew he’d eventually have to come clean to her about this.

“El, I…” He glanced down at his hands, realizing his left hand was instinctively rubbing his stomach. The baby was hiccupping occasionally and it felt really bizarre, but it was his way of knowing the baby was alive and this is reality. There was no point in keeping this a secret from her. She already knew he and Peter were together, so it wasn’t like he was revealing something she wouldn’t already assume—the fact that he’s carrying _Peter’s_ baby. “I…can’t lie to you.” She looked confused as he got up and moved to close her office door. When he turned towards her again, he sighed heavily before saying, “Elizabeth, I _am_ pregnant.”

She giggled a little and his brows furrowed. “Sweetie,” she said endearingly. He knew that she didn’t believe him and he wasn’t going to go around, pulling his shirt up for everyone to see that he was pregnant. She shook her head and kept smiling.

“I’m serious, El. I’m pregnant.” She eventually stopped giggling and met his gaze, looking as confused as he’d ever seen her look. “It’s not a joke.” He walked around her desk until he was close to her and she looked at his stomach, realizing for the first time that he’d definitely put on a little weight, which was very unlike him. Tentatively, he took her hand off of the desk and rested it against the exact spot that the baby was gently kicking. She looked up at him, shocked or horrified—or both. “It’s Peter’s baby.”

“Neal, is this a con?”

“No.” She stared at his stomach with wide eyes as he tentatively moved her hand to where the baby was either kicking or moving around a little. “I know how impossible this seems to you, but I am pregnant. I don’t think I need to explain in depth _how_ it happened, but all I really want to tell you is that Peter didn’t know. When we first got together, I was too afraid to tell him.” She met his eyes, seeing how sincere he was. She was still having a hell of a time believing him, but he wouldn’t lie about something like this and the proof was right beneath her hand. “We’ve used condoms every time we were together and, honestly, our relationship was only meant to be sexual. We didn’t want it to be romantic because he loves you. Up until about six months ago, we were always perfectly safe.”

“You let him….without a condom?”

He shook his head. “No. This was all extremely accidental. The condom broke and I thought I’d be okay because I was on contraceptives. I was very wrong and didn’t know it until the first time I had morning sickness.” She gave him a sympathetic look, knowing Neal didn’t want to get pregnant at any point in his life. “I’ve known that this was possible—for fact—since I was eighteen. I started up contraceptives immediately and I was told that it would hypothetically work the same as it would for a woman. It hasn’t been tested and I’m the living proof that it’s incorrect.”

Nodding, she asked, “How long did you wait before telling Peter?”

“Almost two months after I found out.”

She bit her lip, whispering, “I told Mozzie as soon as I found out.”

“Understandable considering Mozzie has no other relationships. He’ll be committed to you and the baby, so don’t worry.” She smiled and he forced one as well. “I wasn’t planning on telling Peter because of…you. I didn’t want him to leave you. I would’ve made it through the whole thing alone and I would’ve raised it on my own.”

“Oh, sweetie…” she whispered brokenly. “I’m sorry. If I’d known you were so afraid to tell him, I would’ve made you talk to him.” She looked guilty until she said, “I told him that I’m pregnant and that Mozzie is the father. He was upset and then I broke his heart when I told him that I was pregnant with his baby twice.” Neal hadn’t known that part and Peter failed to mention it. “I aborted them because I didn’t think Peter would be around for it. I didn’t want to raise it without its father.”

Neal whispered, “El, he would’ve been there for the baby. He’s made a great deal of effort in trying to be with me more because he wants to be in the baby’s life. I’m afraid because he’s an FBI agent, too, but I know he’s thrilled by the fact that he’s going to be a father.”

She felt really bad now. Peter was definitely a good man and she, at first, wanted to start a family with him. That dream faded as he stayed out all night for stakeouts and was shot a few times. Peter was damn good at his job, but she was afraid that he would slip up one time and it would all be over. “If I had his children, you wouldn’t be having your baby right now.”

He nodded slowly, knowing she was right. “He wouldn’t have cheated on you. He wouldn’t want to do that to you after you had his baby.” Now that he realized it, Peter wouldn’t cheat on him for the same reason. He loved how he figured these things out by talking to Peter’s wife… “He’s going to be a great father, El. So is Mozzie. I know Moz loves you because I’ve seen him around you—before he told me you two were together.”

She gestured for him to take a seat and he did. His back hurt a little, so he was grateful. “How is all of this going to work? You’re still finishing your sentence and Peter’s career…”

“I’m still trying to figure that out myself. My sentence will end not too long after I give birth, but I know this will all blow up in Peter’s face. He doesn’t want me to lie under oath.” Frowning, he added, “I don’t want him to lose his job. I don’t know how we’re going to do this. If the bureau discovers that he’s been with me and that this is his baby, he’ll probably be arrested and unable to return to the bureau.”

“What’re you going to do?”

“Be honest—to a point. If I can protect him, I will. Once my sentence is complete, I’m planning on becoming a consultant for the FBI, which will bring some income in on my part. Peter said that I’ll be given the job without hesitation because I’ve consulted with the FBI for several years now.”

“You aren’t going to run?”

He shook his head. “Things between Peter and I seem okay. I…don’t want to run from him if he’s willing to make our relationship work and if he’s going to raise the baby with me.”

Smiling softly at him, she said, “I know he loves you.”

“I do, too, but we’ve had…problems in the last year or so.”

“I know.” Yes, she did. He wasn’t planning on elaborating on that. “I’m glad things are beginning to get better between you two though. Have you figured out what you’re having yet?”

“No,” he said quietly. “Peter and I are hoping to find out what it is in a couple days when we go back for my next ultrasound.” She nodded and he knew not to ask about whether or not she knew what she was having. She wouldn’t know and he was fairly certain she wouldn’t tell him. She owed him nothing and he acknowledged that. “I wanted to come clean finally,” he whispered. “I’m sorry for lying to you for so many years. I’m sorry for damaging your marriage.”

Standing up, Elizabeth rounded the desk and leaned forward to hug him. “Don’t worry, sweetie. Everything’s fine.” She rubbed his back slowly, adding, “I’m not going to bother Peter with any of this. I promise you there won’t be any drama. It isn’t good for me and my baby to get worked up while arguing with him and I don’t want to hurt you and your baby in the process. He might lash out at you if I take things too far and I don’t want your baby to suffer.”

Neal smiled sadly, nodding as they separated. “Peter hasn’t done anything to hurt the baby since he found out. He’s been gentle and sweet. He loves touching my stomach and talking to it.” Elizabeth’s eyes watered as he went on to say, “He’s really happy and I’m glad to see that I have the ability to make him happy. I never planned on having a baby, let alone having my best friend’s baby, but I’m doing it and he wants to be involved.”

“You both deserve to be happy.” She tentatively rested her hands on his stomach, meeting his eyes. “No drama—take care of your little one.”

“Same to you,” he said softly. They shared a small smile and he was relieved. He’d been expecting things to go horribly wrong, but they’d been quite the opposite. Elizabeth, though she’d thrown Peter out of their house two months ago upon discovering that he and Neal were having an affair, seemed to support Neal wholeheartedly—as well as his relationship with Peter. He’s been down a lot because Peter’s been down pretty often himself. He didn’t know what to do about his marriage and it was killing him deep down to think he and Elizabeth would never be together ever again. That was hurting Neal a lot, too. He’s felt inadequate because it feels like Peter wants Elizabeth more than him.

Elizabeth seemed pretty content with her situation though. Neal noticed that she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring as well. He wasn’t sure how Peter would feel about that even though Peter removed his own wedding ring, but… Things seemed to be working themselves out. He’d be able to love Peter properly upon completing his sentence and the idea of marrying Peter now seemed like a possibility.

Only time would tell—and he wasn’t going to force the issue at hand. He would let everything play out.

•◊•

Neal trailed after Peter as Peter walked ahead of him, gun in hand. Jones and Diana were following them closely with a couple other agents. “Ready?” Peter asked, glancing back at his team long enough to see their nods. He took up the point and pulled the door open. Diana and Jones were quick to shift to cover Peter as they moved into the building. “Which way?”

“Up two flights of stairs,” Neal said. Peter nodded, heading towards the stairway. He wasn’t very clear on where they were heading, but he’d sent Neal in to do a little reconnaissance as well as get himself involved in what was going on. Neal managed to strike a deal with a man forging IDs. He was going to head in, pick up the ID, and Peter would storm in with the other agents, ‘catching’ them. Neal would be ‘arrested’ to keep up the façade. As far as the man knew, Neal was a convicted felon on the run and he was looking for someone to professional craft an ID for him. He claimed his materials were confiscated by the feds, so he could make his story about needing another forger seem legitimate.

Neal gestured for Peter to wait patiently upon reaching the designated spot. It was an open doorway, so Peter would be able to hear them without a wire. Walking into the vast, vacant room, Neal saw Jenkins, his forger contact, waiting for him on the other side. “Ah, Caffrey,” he said gleefully. “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show.”

Chuckling, Neal said, “I made sure the feds weren’t tailing me. Ever since they released me, they’ve kept a close eye on me. They caught one of my forgeries and I need to get out of the country as soon as possible.” He made it sound so convincing and that made Peter’s gut wrench. He was afraid that Neal would actually have a conversation similar to this with another forger. Despite how skilled Neal is, he would seek someone with a higher level of skill to give him an ID that would last and suit him just as well as Neal Caffrey does.

“Believe me. I absolutely understand. I’ve helped many comrades in situations much the same as yours.”

Neal nodded, nearing the other man. “Can I see it?” Jenkins nodded and stepped closer to Neal, slipping the ID to him. It was a French ID since he’d told Jenkins he could easily adapt a French persona and he eagerly wanted to visit France again. “This is perfect,” he said as he held it up, looking over all of the fine details. The print and image along with seals and the finer details were absolute perfection and impressed him. He’d provided a signature that Peter signed for him and that was what was on his ID. Peter didn’t want someone to forge Neal’s actual signature, so he altered it to the point where it definitely didn’t reflect Neal’s handwriting whatsoever. “This is absolutely valid? I’ll be able to leave the country without being flagged?”

Jenkins nodded. “Of course, my friend. It’s perfectly legitimate.”

“Wonderful,” he said, stuffing the ID into his pocket. “I believe you’ve upheld your end of the deal, so I’ll hold true to mine.” He was prepared to give Jenkins false bank information moments before Peter and his team burst in, startling them both. Neal only pretended to be startled, having known Peter was outside of the room the whole time.

“FBI! Hands where I can see ‘em!” Peter called out.

Neal glanced over his shoulder and glared at Jenkins, hissing, “You let the feds get this close? You _know_ that I’m trying to evade them.”

Jenkins looked horrified. He’d never been caught before, so this was very frightening for the older man. Both he and Neal raised their hands and Peter went to Jenkins, patting him down to feel for any weapons or other forged IDs that he may be carrying. Needless to say, Jenkins had other clients after Neal, so he had several IDs on him. Diana was moving to pat Neal down just to keep up the charade and Peter was quick to intercept. He didn’t want her to touch Neal in case she felt the baby bump—or the baby shifting inside of Neal. He patted Neal down and slipped the ID out of his pocket, grinning slyly at him. “Caught ya again, Caffrey,” he said. While Peter cuffed Neal, Diana cuffed Jenkins.

“Ow,” Neal whispered when Peter snapped the handcuffs onto his wrists a bit roughly. He wouldn’t be able to slip out of them because he hadn’t expected Peter to make them so tight. “Peter.”

“I’ll take them off when he’s escorted out,” Peter whispered. He gripped Neal’s arm roughly and pulled him along, trailing after the other agents and Jenkins. Neal glanced sideways at Peter, wondering why Peter was being a bit…gruff with him. They hadn’t spoken much since he’d returned to the bureau and it worried him that Peter did pull up his tracking data. Maybe he was pissed at Neal for going to see Elizabeth and he could foresee a huge explosion taking place between them later, which always terrified Neal because he didn’t know how to defend himself and the baby. Even though Peter knew he was pregnant with his child, he was afraid that Peter would aim directly for his abdomen, hurting their baby. He wasn’t concerned for himself. He and Peter had plenty of nights when Peter beat the hell out of him. Neal just didn’t want anything to happen to his baby.

“Peter, are you okay?” he asked once they were outside. Neal was led to Peter’s private car while Jenkins was put into one of the mobile unit cars. Peter didn’t answer even as he removed the handcuffs. “Peter?” he whispered, concerned and afraid.

“Elizabeth seems to know that you’re pregnant,” he said firmly. “I’m going to murder Mozzie. He had no right in telling her. Little son of a—”

Despite his fear of inducing Peter’s wrath and directing it at himself, he blurted, “I told her.” Peter froze and stared at him incredulously. “I know she’s pregnant. I…went to see her earlier this afternoon.”

“You _what?_ ”

Neal bit his lip, trying to contain his growing fear. “We talked,” he whispered. “I wanted to know how she’s doing and she asked about…you.”

Peter looked furious as he hissed, “So you told her I knocked you up? Do you realize how badly you’ve just fucked up?” Neal’s eyes watered. He knew Peter would be upset, but he didn’t like listening to Peter talk to him this way. “Neal, I’ll never be able to maintain my marriage with her now. By telling her you’re pregnant, she’s totally fine with the fact that I’m fucking you.”

Hurt, Neal asked, “Do you not want to be with me anymore?” Peter didn’t know how to answer that. He loves both Elizabeth and Neal, so he couldn’t choose one of them. He’d repeatedly told Neal that he’d leave Elizabeth in order to commit himself completely to Neal, but now that Elizabeth had freed him, he didn’t want that freedom. He wanted to have them both. “Be honest. If you want to leave, you know I won’t stop you.”

“What the hell possessed you to walk up to her and say: oh, by the way, I’m pregnant with your husband’s baby?”

“I love you, you bastard,” he said miserably. “I wanted her to know. I know she and Mozzie are going to be close because of their baby. She wants you and me to be just as close. She’s promised that she won’t interfere anymore.”

“If I didn’t want to be in my baby’s life so God damn bad, I’d hit you—right now.” Neal’s eyes widened. Things had been going so well between them until now and he felt like he’d made a terrible mistake that he couldn’t rectify. “What if she tells the bureau about this? If they discover that you’re fucked up, everything’s over. I go to prison and abandon you and the baby. God knows what’ll happen to you in the end.”

Neal rubbed his face, hating himself for being so weak and emotional. He wanted to blame his hormones, but he just felt absolutely miserable. “I’m sorry,” Neal whispered.

Peter snapped, “Oh, bullshit. You don’t give a damn about me, do you? You don’t care that I’ll go to prison for this.”

“I do care!” Neal insisted. “El wouldn’t do this to you. She’s not that kind of woman and you know that. All I did was tell her that I’m pregnant. I didn’t explain it and she doesn’t resent either of us for this.”

Peter’s fingers curled into a fist and Neal flinched. “You have no idea how—”

“Fuck off,” Neal snapped, wiping his eyes quickly. “Move.” He shoved Peter aside and opened the backdoor, getting into the backseat of Peter’s FBI car. He sat there and held his face in his hands, trying to keep himself from sobbing hysterically. He didn’t want to lose Peter now.

It was several minutes before Peter climbed into the front seat. He didn’t immediately start up the car. Instead, he turned to face Neal, apology on his face. “I was out of line,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, Neal.” Neal inhaled sharply as he straightened up. His face and eyes were both red and he was sniffling a little. He chose not to answer Peter, deciding that dignifying that with an answer would either make things worse or change nothing at all. After all of this time, Peter was still the same. Yes, he’d managed to hold himself back this time, but there was no telling as to whether or not he’d be able to hold back the next time they had an argument.

He wasn’t truly afraid of Peter because he knew that Peter was a sweet man. He’d never understand why Peter loves to beat on him—emotionally and physically. Though Peter was acting like a major dick, Neal also decided that he wasn’t going to let himself stress over this. Stress would hurt the baby and that was the last thing he wanted to do. If he lost Peter, he could raise the baby on his own. If he lost Peter and the baby, he was really considering the idea of ending his life. Losing his partner and his best friend was one issue. Losing his child—the little life that he’d created—would absolutely shatter him. He’d never recover from that and he never wanted to be able to recover from that. His baby is his priority. Whether or not Peter was in the picture, he didn’t care. He could do this with or without Peter.

Peter, sensing that Neal wasn’t going to speak to him presently, turned around and sighed quietly, starting up the car to drive them back to the bureau. He hated himself for acting the way he did with Neal just then. Neal wasn’t the one lying for once. By telling Elizabeth, Peter figured he’d never be welcome into her life again—as her husband anyway. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing after all. Elizabeth was having a baby with someone she would commit herself to and Peter was more than willing to commit himself to Neal and their baby.

He hated how this all played out. It made absolutely no sense at all sometimes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter discover the gender of their baby.

In the days following the minor argument about Neal revealing his pregnancy to Peter’s wife, both he and Peter were avoiding each other. The tension was immense and Neal felt like he was suffocating every time he was around Peter. Sometimes, Peter wouldn’t even go straight home to the apartment. He’d go somewhere without Neal and come back, dropping down into bed behind Neal. Whenever Neal wanted to curl up against him, he immediately recoiled because the older man smelled like alcohol. It both pissed him off and worried him because he didn’t know what Peter was going to do to him, which would undoubtedly hurt their child.

Wandering towards the bathroom, Neal stood in the doorway, watching Peter brush his teeth. “Are you coming with me or would you rather not?” he asked quietly, afraid to challenge the older man with anything further. He could easily comment on Peter’s unnecessary and spontaneous alcohol addiction, but he chose not to. If things got to a point where he feared for his and his baby’s life, he’d leave. He had several places he could run to that Peter didn’t know about, but it would only be temporary since Peter could track his anklet. He could run as long as he could manage if it kept his baby safe.

Peter glanced at him in the mirror, seeing how exhausted Neal looked. “I’ll go with you,” Peter replied just as quietly. Neal nodded and straightened up to head back out into the living area. Peter turned and quickly said, “Honey, can we talk?” Neal paused and turned cautiously. He didn’t nod or shake his head. He’d listen if Peter wanted to talk, but he really had nothing to contribute to the conversation. All they were able to talk about the last few days was work. They didn’t even talk about their baby and that hurt Neal’s heart.

When Peter came home, lit beyond comprehension, he’d lay down behind Neal and drape his arm over Neal, rubbing his stomach sometimes. That was as much acknowledgment as their baby was given from Peter and Neal wanted their baby to be their priority even though it wasn’t born yet. “I guess,” he whispered, sensing that Peter wouldn’t speak unless he actually responded.

The older man moved towards Neal just enough to take his hand, pulling him further into the bathroom. He guided Neal towards the toilet and sat him down on the lid, caressing Neal’s cheeks. Neal was very skeptical, wondering why Peter was acting so affectionate. “I love you, Neal. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong lately. Yelling at you… Neal, you’re the one carrying our baby. You have the right to discuss it with whomever you please. It’s not my place to decide who you can or can’t tell.” He looked very depressed as he said, “I’m just afraid of what could happen. I don’t want either of us to end up in prison. That would be really inconvenient considering you’re getting closer to giving birth.” He lifted his right hand and gently stroked Neal’s hair. “I don’t want to lose you or our baby.”

Neal nodded slowly, giving Peter a half smile. He lifted his hand to rest it over the hand Peter had on Neal’s cheek. “I really worry about our relationship at times, Peter. I don’t know where I stand with you and I’m afraid of that because I don’t know how you’re going to treat me. I don’t know if you’re considering some form of abusive retaliation and, admittedly, it frightens me to think that you’ll assault me.” His other hand rested on his stomach and he rubbed it absently, feeling the baby’s movements inside of himself. “I’m afraid that you’re going to hurt our baby—or worse.”

“Do you think I would kill my own child?” Peter asked incredulously, looking very hurt.

Neal’s entire face heated up as he stammered, “I don’t know. It may not be intentional, but it’s still possible.” Peter didn’t know how to react to that. He found himself staring blankly at Neal now and Neal was beginning to sweat, growing nervous the longer he stayed in Peter’s presence. “I, uh… I-I…”

Peter hushed him, caressing the sides of Neal’s face. “It’s okay. Calm down.” Neal shut his eyes tightly, wishing he knew how to calm himself down. He was so afraid of Peter and he didn’t even know why. It wasn’t like Peter hit him recently. In fact, this was the longest period of time they’d gone without physical violence. “I’m not going to hurt you or the baby, Neal. I want the baby as much as you do.”

“I know,” Neal whispered, forcing himself to open his eyes and meet Peter’s gaze. “I know you want to be a father, but you’re drinking and it’s honestly scaring me, Peter.” Peter gave him a sympathetic look, seeing the anxiety in Neal’s eyes. “You know I want to trust you, but I’m having a hard time doing that because I don’t know how much you’re going to drink. I mean, you take a taxi to get here and I’m proud of you for not drinking and driving, but I don’t know if you’re going to be so intoxicated one night that you beat me.”

“I won’t.”

Neal gave him a look of disbelief. “Peter, you’re _drinking._ You come home with the scent of alcohol all over you. You just crash on the bed when you get home, but what if there’s a particularly frustrating night when you drink over the top? I’m afraid that you’ll come home and hit me or quite possibly even kill me.” He looked like he wanted to hyperventilate and Peter was afraid that Neal would run from him because of it. “You honestly scare me. If I’m afraid of you, I don’t feel comfortable raising my baby with you.”

Peter frowned, looking away from Neal for a moment. When he glanced at his lover, he solemnly said, “I’m sorry, Neal. I don’t like that you’re afraid of me. I want to try to make things better between us.”

The older man tentatively moved to embrace his lover. Neal reluctantly allowed and returned it, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. As the baby moved inside of him, he found himself experiencing very mixed feelings. He loves his baby even though it wasn’t born yet, but he wasn’t sure how Peter felt. Peter wanted to be a father, but who’s to say he wants to be a father with Neal? Neal felt like he might cause problems for his baby because he and Peter have such a rocky relationship. He shut his eyes again and whispered, “Then try _harder._ ”

•◊•

Peter, his fingers intertwined with Neal’s, watched the little screen after Neal’s practitioner rubbed gel over his abdomen. They were sincerely hoping to find out what they were expecting and they’d even made a bet about it a few weeks earlier. Neal bet twenty dollars on a girl and Peter put twenty down for a boy. Their money would ultimately go towards buying things for the baby regardless of its gender, so it really didn’t matter who held it.

Neal looked at Peter, searching his eyes. He didn’t know what to think at the moment. He could see Peter’s eagerness, but he could also see the alcoholic that was blossoming inside of him. He worried because of that. Peter wasn’t an alcoholic beforehand, so he didn’t think it would affect the baby—until later. If their baby grew up with an alcoholic in its home… Hell, if he and Peter thought about having a second baby, he wasn’t sure how it would affect _that_ baby, which would in turn affect the older brother or sister.

“There you are,” Maya said softly. Both Peter and Neal looked at the screen to see their baby. “Looks like you’re having a bouncing baby boy.”

Peter smiled—not because he’d won the bet, but because he’d wanted a son. He always wanted a son because he wanted to play baseball with him the way his own father played baseball with him. He could’ve shared that with a daughter, but having a boy made it feel special. Peter leaned over Neal and pecked his lips gently, whispering, “That’s our little Dominic in there.”

Neal returned Peter’s smile, liking the way Peter acted. He didn’t care about the bet, but he’d been concerned about Peter’s reaction. He knew it was a possibility that Peter may be upset with the gender of whatever they were having. For instance, if Peter definitely didn’t want a son, he might beat the hell out of Neal for not giving him what he wanted. In this case, Peter did want a son, so he’d gotten what he wanted. Neal didn’t care as long as the baby was alive and healthy by the time this was all over. “You’re happy with that?” he asked quietly, wanting Peter to say it aloud.

“I’d be just as happy if we were having a Mariah.” He kissed Neal’s forehead and squeezed his hand gently. “I love you and I’d love whatever’s growing inside of you no matter what.” Neal’s eyes watered as he smiled at the older man. That was nice to hear. Should they ever decide they were going to tie the knot now that Peter’s marriage was essentially over, Neal considered having more kids with Peter. He wasn’t entirely sure about that just yet because he wanted to get through this pregnancy first, but he wanted at least two children. Having both with Peter would make him ecstatic because of his sentiment in having the same partner father his children. “I love you, Neal,” he whispered, capturing Neal’s lips in yet another gentle kiss.

Sometimes, Neal damned him for this. He hated that Peter was an asshole for a split second and then he became a sweetheart in the next. He definitely preferred the latter of the two, but he wished Peter would be consistent. “I love you, too.”

They left shortly thereafter and Peter glanced over at Neal as Neal buckled himself up in the Taurus. Peter kept his eyes on Neal and simply smiled at him. He could see the glow of pregnancy around his partner now that he was looking for it. After Neal got himself situated, he curiously looked at Peter. Having just noticed that Peter’s gaze was on him, he wondered what he’d done wrong now. “You’re such a beautiful man,” he said softly. Neal’s brows furrowed as confusion washed over him. “I’m not trying to make it sound like you’re feminine,” Peter stammered a moment later. “You’re just… You’re just gorgeous—and the fact that my baby is right here,” he began, reaching out to rub Neal’s abdomen, “makes me love you more. I never would’ve expected you to carry a baby for me, Neal. I don’t think I would’ve asked that of you even if I’d known.”

“The other day…”

Peter nodded, whispering, “I called you ‘fucked up.’” Neal glanced down at his stomach, feeling the baby move inside of him. He made sure Peter knew that he was really hurt by everything Peter said to him and that part stung the most. He admitted that telling Elizabeth might not have been his best decision, but he cleared the air with her. The fact that Peter called him ‘fucked up’ at the time hurt him deeply because he was beginning to think Peter appreciated the little life they created. By saying he’s ‘fucked up,’ Neal inferred that Peter was having second thoughts about becoming a father. If that were the case, Neal wanted to know now. He didn’t want to endure the rest of his pregnancy with Peter just to have him leave the second the baby’s born.

If Peter didn’t plan on sticking around in the long run, Neal wasn’t sure if he wanted to introduce the baby to its other father in time. On the flipside, if Peter wanted to stay with him and raise the baby with him, he wanted to make sure Peter didn’t become an alcoholic—an _abusive_ alcoholic at that. He wouldn’t put up with an alcoholic or abusive partner if they were raising a baby together. He didn’t want his son to grow up in that kind of environment.

He didn’t want to live in an environment like that and he wasn’t going to subject his son to the same living standards. He loves Peter, but he had to prioritize his own life and the baby would come first. Their son would be innocent in this whole mess, so he’d make damn sure he protected his little one first. “Am I fucked up?”

Peter shook his head. “What I said was thoughtless. I didn’t mean it, Neal. I love you and our son.” He rubbed Neal’s stomach, feeling the baby hiccup. Peter was awed by the fact that there was a little life growing inside of the man beside him—a little life that they both created. “I want this baby, Neal, as much as I want to be with you.”

“I know none of this is normal, Peter, and I don’t expect you to stay with me. What we’re going through is pretty unique. I…don’t know how all of this is going to end.” Peter gave him a look of confusion. “I spoke to Maya when you were getting the car,” he whispered. “There are still possibilities of complications. She’s suggested that the baby might not make it and the possibility that…I…might not make it.” Peter’s heart broke on his face and Neal said, “I’m sure we’ll be fine, but she was cautioning me. As the baby is developing, she said she’s not sure how things are going to progress. She’s not sure how contractions are going to be for me since I don’t have a uterus or vagina, so I’m not sure if or how I’ll know when the baby’s ready.”

“There has to be a way,” Peter said sadly. “I don’t want to lose either of you.” He wanted so desperately to kiss Neal and he kept his hand on Neal’s abdomen, feeling the life inside of his lover. He couldn’t imagine feeling that life one moment, knowing it’s alive and well, and then living with the fact that that little life didn’t make it—or that Neal didn’t make it. He didn’t want to live without Neal. If they lost the baby… He felt selfish by thinking that they could always have another one. Neal hadn’t expected to have a baby in the first place.

If he lost his _first_ baby, Peter highly doubted that Neal would want to try again for fear that he might have to experience that same pain of loss again. “We’ll just have to be patient and I’m doing everything I can in order to take care of the baby.”

Peter nodded, blinking back tears as he thought about having to live without Neal or without their baby. If he lost Neal, he _might_ have the baby. Despite his excitement about becoming a father, he would resent his son for ‘killing’ Neal. And if Neal lost the baby, but survived… Neal would be a wreck and Peter had no idea how Neal would go on. For all he knew, Neal would take his own life because he felt responsible for the baby’s death.

Neal stared down at his abdomen, frowning. He didn’t know what was going to happen to him or his son, but the one thing he did know for sure was that Peter would be there for him through it all. Whether Peter was the last voice he heard and the last face he saw or the one to console him in the end, he knew Peter was going to be with him.

•◊•

Neal was lying on the bed in his robe, waiting for Peter to come home. Peter had to go back to the bureau for a little while and promised he’d be home shortly after six and he’d bring dinner home with him. Lately, he’s been feeling very sexual around Peter and he didn’t understand it. He craved Peter like a drug addict craved drugs. They’ve made love quite a bit and Neal was taking advantage of his own sex drive because he didn’t think it would last the duration of his pregnancy and he certainly wouldn’t want sex shortly after giving birth.

He was trying to think positive, insisting that he and the baby would be just fine. Slowly, he was convincing Peter of that same frame of mind. Even if things went wrong in the operating room, Neal would demand that the doctors save the baby. But he was honestly trying not to feel so negative about the delivery.

As soon as the door began to unlock, Neal fixed his robe a bit, giving off a very sexual aura. He wanted to have sex with Peter and he was going to get it any way he could. He was lying on his side and he had the robe parted enough to reveal his legs. If Peter wanted to see anything else, he’d have to take the robe off of him.

He’d showered not too long ago in preparation for anything they were going to do together. Even if they were a little rough, he was fine with it as long as Peter didn’t hurt his abdomen. When Peter came through the door with Chinese, Neal smirked seductively. “Neal, I—” He immediately stared at Neal’s legs and followed them up his body until he was focused on Neal’s face. “Uh…”

“I want you,” Neal said, his voice deeper. He was trying to be attractive, but felt like he was failing. Peter never said he wouldn’t have sex with him, even as he’d begun to expand because of their baby. He looked like a woman who was in her early stages of showing, but it looked like he’d only eaten a little too much lately. Once the baby was born, he planned on losing the weight he’d put on. He felt the need to do that because he wanted Peter to stay with him and he felt like he had nothing else to offer but his body.

Peter sighed, murmuring, “Maybe in a little bit, Neal. I’m exhausted.” Neal tried his hardest not to look disappointed or upset. “I want you, too. I want you very, very much. I need to eat first though. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Neal said quietly, pushing himself up. Peter set the food down on the table as Neal neared him.

Having noticed that Neal’s entire mood changed, Peter wrapped his arms around Neal, kissing his temple. “I’ll put a cock ring on tonight. We can go as long as you want.” Neal liked how that sounded and it still meant that they’d have great sex. “I’m up for whatever you want to do as long as you eat dinner with me first.”

Neal nodded, closing his eyes as Peter pressed his lips against Neal’s temple again. “Let’s eat dinner first, then we’ll make our way to the bedroom and figure things out from there.” Peter let Neal go get into comfy clothes. He didn’t want to wear his robe while they ate together, so he grabbed his sleep pants and his white undershirt.

Peter was separating their foods and Neal noticed that Peter had gotten him an excessive amount of food. He wanted to comment on that, but chose not to. He chose not to because he had a sudden and very sharp pain in his abdomen. It was so sudden that his legs nearly gave out after he let out a sharp gasp. “Neal? Neal!”

The older man darted over to Neal as Neal lowered himself down onto the coffee table in the sitting area. “Oh, my God,” he whispered, resting his hand on his abdomen.

“Neal, what’s wrong? What is it?”

“I don’t know,” Neal whispered.

Peter helped Neal up from the table and got him over to the couch, helping him lie down on his side. He knelt in front of the couch as soon as Neal was comfortable and rested his hand atop the hand Neal placed on his abdomen. “What are you feeling?”

Neal shut his eyes as the pain began to fade away. “It might’ve been the baby kicking, but it might’ve been something else entirely.” He looked up at Peter, concerned. “Can you get Maya on the phone?”

“Of course, my love,” he said instantly, getting up to head over to their bed. He grabbed Neal’s phone and unlocked it—having been given the passcode by Neal in case something like this came up—to place a call to Maya. As soon as she answered, Peter said, “Hi. It’s Peter—Neal’s boyfriend. I’m not sure what just happened, but he was in pain. I’m going to put him on the phone.”

He darted back to Neal and handed the phone to him, watching Neal rub his abdomen while speaking to Maya. “It was just a sharp pain towards the—” He paused as Maya spoke to him. “Yes, that’s exactly how it felt.” Another pause as she spoke again. Peter was relieved by the fact that Neal wasn’t panicking. “Okay. Thank you very much.”

“And?” Peter said anxiously when Neal hung up.

“She said it’s my ligaments stretching.” Peter gave him a look of confusion. “As the baby gets bigger, it needs more space. I’m stretching a bit for him. It hurt because it was so abrupt and I wasn’t expecting it.”

Peter nodded, rubbing Neal’s abdomen as he relaxed. He was always worried that there would be some early sign of the baby’s death or labor. He wasn’t sure what the pain meant, so he’d panicked. Thinking that his baby was dying or dead already, he would take Neal straight to the emergency room to get it taken out. If Neal were going into labor, he’d still rush to the emergency room. Neal’s almost seven months along, but that was still a little premature. Their son still had a little bit of growing and developing to do yet before it was ready to join them.

Leaning forward, Peter kissed Neal’s abdomen, whispering, “I’m glad you and Dominic are okay.” He didn’t want to think about sacrificing the life of one for the other. He wanted Neal in his life, but he knew Neal wouldn’t want to live if he lost their son. If he could help Neal and Dominic in any way, he would. He wanted to make Neal his husband and Dominic is their son. They’re his family and he’ll support his family no matter what the circumstances are.

The only thing that continued to bother Peter was the idea that he may end up in prison in the end. He hadn’t forgotten that someone knew about Neal’s pregnancy outside of their immediate circle of trust. They hadn’t received threats of any kind since the initial letter had been sent, but Peter wondered when the FBI agents would show up outside of Neal’s apartment, breaking down the doors until they found him and Neal together. He’d be taken away from Neal and Neal… He didn’t know what would happen to Neal. As far as he knew, his entire history as an FBI agent would be questioned and critically analyzed, which may set Neal free earlier than had been intended.

Hell, he had an escape plan in place in case someone caught on to them. He, being Neal’s handler, could cut the anklet with permission and run with Neal and their son. He didn’t want to abandon them. Neal had gone through the beginning of his pregnancy alone and Peter didn’t want him to finish his pregnancy or raise their son alone. As Dominic’s other father, he wanted to be there as much as Neal.

Lifting his hand to stroke Neal’s hair, Peter smiled softly at the younger man. Neal was always so focused on Dominic and his needs, so Peter felt like he owed Neal. Neal put their son before himself in every situation. Whenever he felt that Peter threatened the life of their son, he was extremely defensive and upset. He wants his son and he didn’t care whether or not Peter stayed with him. He’d love it if Peter spent his life with him and their son, but he wasn’t counting on it.

Neal, in the midst of his positive mindset, found himself thinking negatively when it came to his romance with Peter. He didn’t know what their dynamics were anymore. It was meant to be sexual, but feelings had emerged and they’d begun an actual relationship. If this relationship blossomed into a marriage that was at least moderately stable and healthy, he figured things would be okay.

•◊•

Peter walked down the block beside Neal. They each had a drink in hand and Neal was smirking to himself after Peter made a very provocative comment about Neal’s eyes. They hadn’t gotten physical last night because Peter didn’t want to hurt Neal again. Neal appreciated that even though he told Peter that Peter hadn’t done anything wrong. It was just the pregnancy is what he told Peter, but Peter insisted he was at fault because he was the one who’d gotten Neal pregnant. That nearly started an argument, but Neal waved it off and ignored Peter for a good part of the night before they crawled into bed together and talked a little.

As they neared the middle of the block, Neal smiled softly at the woman whose back was turned to them. “El,” he called out. She turned and gave him a smile in return before heading over to them.

She took one look at Neal’s stomach and gaped at him. “How far along are you?” she asked quietly.

“Um…” He glanced at Peter before returning his focus to her. “Almost seven months. Why?”

“I’m almost five months along and I’m so much bigger than you are.”

Peter rested his hand on Neal’s lower back, watching him. They hadn’t revealed the news that they’d discovered the gender of their baby just yet, but there also weren’t a lot of people to tell. “Peter and I go on walks together quite frequently, but it might also just be the fact that you’re a woman and I’m a man. We may be affected differently.”

She rubbed her stomach and Neal wanted to do the same with his own, but he didn’t do that kind of thing in public. He’d get strange looks if he were to randomly rub his abdomen. If it were normal for men to carry children, people might actually _know_ he’s expecting. Right now, he was able to hide it and just pass it off as he’d simply put on a little weight. Nobody would really question that and he sincerely hoped that he could somehow manage to acquire a fake injury on the job that would put him out for a few weeks so he could have his son and take time off to recover from the c-section. He wasn’t looking forward to that because his abdomen would be extremely sensitive and something as minor as sneezing would send agony through his body.

He definitely wouldn’t be physical with Peter for a short while and they’d have to go back to using protection properly. If Neal made it through this pregnancy without much of a problem, he still didn’t think he’d want to have a second baby right away. He wants to have time with his son and Peter before bringing another baby into the mix. If Peter proved that he was trustworthy and capable of being a proper father, then Neal definitely considered starting a bigger family with him. Starting a family to begin with was accidental, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to put his son out on the streets because of his and Peter’s inability to take the proper precautions.

“Neal, you look great,” El said softly. Neal gave her a small smile, thanking her silently. Glancing at Peter first, then at Neal, she asked, “Can I…feel the baby?”

Peter didn’t want her to, but Neal didn’t mind at all. After all, he’d put her hands right onto his stomach to prove that there was life inside of him. “Yeah,” he said quietly. He could feel the baby’s sporadic movements and she reached out with her right hand. He took it and rested it above where his son was moving and watched her face. “Can you feel it?”

She nodded, grinning. “How does it actually feel for you? I can feel the moving or kicking by touching your stomach, but my little one hasn’t begun moving around as much yet.”

He shrugged, smiling down at his abdomen. “It feels like butterflies fluttering around in my stomach sometimes. I like the feeling—just knowing the baby’s alive and okay.” She shifted a bit until she could hug him, minding both of their stomachs. “It’s a beautiful feeling. You’ll love it.”

“Speaking of which,” she began as she pulled away. “You, mister, told me that it was possible that you’d be figuring out what you’re having sometime soon.”

Neal looked up at Peter, silently asking for his permission to reveal the baby’s gender. He was excited to tell her and Mozzie, but he didn’t want to upset Peter if Peter didn’t feel like letting others know. Peter noticed the look Neal was giving him and he gave a small smile to the younger man in response. “We’re having a boy,” he said, sounding giddy as he smiled at her.

“Congratulations!” she said eagerly, gently hugging him again before giving Peter a hug as well. “That’s wonderful!” Peter loved the way Neal smiled. Neal loves their son a great deal, so he was really sensitive to what anyone thought about the baby. Peter was trying to compliment Neal and their son a little more because he felt that Neal deserved to hear those things. Neal deserved to feel like he was a beautiful man, so Peter kept reminding him that he is. Last night, they’d gone to bed and Peter spoke to their son about Neal, which thrilled Neal to no end.

Peter began to refer to Neal as ‘daddy’ without having realized it. He’d never pictured himself having a child with Neal before all of this, so he hadn’t anticipated on being in a gay relationship with a child. He didn’t regret it though. They made their son and they both wanted to be in their son’s life. Peter couldn’t regret Neal’s decision to keep their son. He and Elizabeth were married and she’d failed to mention her two pregnancies to him in all of their years together, which hurt him very deeply. Neal, though they were only supposed to be sexual partners, hadn’t told Peter right away, but he hadn’t hid it from him completely.

Neal was afraid to admit that he wanted Peter in his and their son’s life and Peter could see that. Peter could see a lot of things a little clearer now than he’d seen them before. The little things he did were what elated Neal the most. Rubbing Neal’s abdomen, speaking to their son, and several other little gestures of affection were exactly what Neal needed. He didn’t want or deserve to be beaten by the man he loves and Peter didn’t feel the need to beat on Neal anymore—not that he’d been justified in doing so before, but he was afraid to lose Neal. He didn’t want to lose the first man he’s been with and fallen in love with nor did he want to lose their son. He didn’t think Neal would forbid him from seeing their son, but Neal would be off-anklet soon, so there was no way Peter could restrain him afterwards if he chose to run.

He had the feeling that he knew where Neal would run to, but he didn’t know if he’d follow Neal. If Neal tried so desperately to get away from him, there was probably a good reason. Peter just didn’t want it to get to that point. Things between him and Neal were still rough and probably always would be, but he could work through this with Neal. He was willing to put effort into making his relationship with Neal and their son work.

Wrapping his arm around Neal’s lower back, Peter kissed Neal’s temple, whispering, “I love my two boys.” Neal smiled shyly and it made Peter’s heart flutter. Seeing Neal smile this way was beautiful. Hell, seeing him _smile_ was beautiful. If there was anything he wanted to do, he wanted to keep that smile on Neal’s face. Neal deserved to always look and feel that happy.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things, once again, become extremely complicated.

Diana glanced at Neal during one of their meetings in the conference room. Peter was leading the discussion and Neal was sitting at the very far end of the table, looking like he was experiencing a little discomfort. She’d noticed Neal acting a little strange in recent months, but she hadn’t thought to ask because she assumed Neal would figure it out on his own—or Peter would do something about it. The fact that Neal was still acting strange made her curious. She was only slightly worried about the former conman extraordinaire, but she was worried nonetheless. If something were seriously wrong with him, she wanted him to get help and it didn’t seem like Peter was doing much about it as far as she was concerned. She’d noticed that he put on a little weight over the last few months and now she was beginning to attribute that to possible signs of depression. She wasn’t sure what to make of the whole thing though.

As soon as Peter finished briefing them all on their next case, the room began to clear out. Peter met Neal’s gaze, seeing how uncomfortable he looked. Diana caught them looking at each other and she realized that Peter knew about whatever was going on with Neal, but she wondered why he wasn’t doing anything to help his CI. Neal pushed his chair back before standing up. He was using the table to hold himself up and Peter darted over to him. The more Diana watched them, the more she realized that something was seriously wrong with Neal and Peter was trying to hide whatever it was. They must’ve completely forgotten she was still in the room because Peter was trying to comfort Neal.

By the time Neal finally returned to his desk and Peter went into his office, she’d followed Peter and noticed how concerned he seemed. “Boss, may I speak to you?” Peter glanced at the doorway and nodded, waving her in. She closed the door before striding towards his desk. She noticed how distracted he was and how often his gaze flickered in Neal’s direction. “What’s wrong with Caffrey?” Peter met her gaze, looking baffled. “You know something’s going on. He hasn’t been acting much like himself.”

Peter couldn’t look away from her, but he was afraid to reveal—even to her—that he and Neal were in a moderately romantic relationship. Revealing that was frightening enough. Add to that the addition of revealing that he and Neal are expecting a son that Neal’s carrying. “He just hasn’t been feeling well,” he said nonchalantly. “I keep telling him that he’s allowed to stay home sick, but he insists on coming in for work.”

It took a very long, elaborate story before Diana finally believed him. She was still skeptical, but she knew Peter would always either pull her into or keep her out of a situation until it was absolutely necessary to do otherwise. She trusts him enough to listen to him no matter what.

Neal was sitting at his desk, hunched over a bit. He held his forehead in one hand and rested his other hand on his abdomen out of view of everyone else. He didn’t know what was going on, but things didn’t feel right—or good. He was almost seven and a half months along by this point and he knew it was still kind of early. If his son was born now, he didn’t know what complications would come of that. He was really worried that something was wrong and he’d tried to tell Peter this morning, but he didn’t know how to describe it as anything other than uncomfortable. Peter told him he could stay home if he needed to and Neal said he’d go in to work and stay as long as he could just to keep up appearances.

He was really regretting it now, but he also didn’t want to be home alone in case something happened. He didn’t want to be in the office if he went into labor, but he didn’t want to be by himself either. Grabbing his phone, he texted Elizabeth, “Are you working today?” She texted back a few minutes later to tell him that she was at home. She also asked if he wanted to go out with her for a little while because she’d promised him they’d shop for baby clothes together. There was still a little more time before she found out what she was having, but she wanted to take him shopping for his son. “I’ll ask Peter if I can go,” he responded.

As he was about to get up to head over to Peter’s office, he realized Peter was coming towards him. “Hey,” Peter said softly, concern in his expression. “How’re you feeling?”

“I kind of want to leave,” Neal whispered. “El offered to take me shopping…” He left it open-ended because he didn’t know how Peter felt about that. He’d noticed that Peter felt possessive of him and their son when Elizabeth was around and Peter still couldn’t bear the idea of being around Mozzie after discovering that his wife was cheating on him for his boyfriend’s best friend and was also carrying a child for that same man after revealing that she’d aborted two of his children.

Peter was trying his damnedest to be okay with how close Neal and Elizabeth were as of late, but he didn’t want Neal around her. He was afraid that they’d talk about him and she’d find some way to convince him that sticking around with Peter was going to be detrimental for him and their son—or that Peter wasn’t worth sticking around for. Peter knew that was a selfish line of thought, but he feared that Neal would see something in him that he didn’t like, which would undoubtedly result in his running from Peter with their son. Elizabeth reasoned that she didn’t want to raise children with Peter because Peter’s job was dangerous. What if Neal came to that same conclusion? If Neal felt that Peter’s involvement would only harm the baby, Peter would lose them both.

“Go ahead,” he finally whispered. After all of the things he’s said to Neal lately, he felt that Neal deserved to do something he wanted to do. “Have fun, but please keep your phone on and either call or text me if you need me, okay?”

Neal nodded, giving Peter a small smile as he rose from his seat. Peter absently rested his hand on Neal’s back, knowing it was bothering Neal. “I promise. You’re the first person I’ll call for help,” Neal said softly. Peter knew how truthful he was being. Neal didn’t have anyone else he trusted completely with his life—though Peter highly doubted Neal trusted him _that_ much anymore. He, being their son’s other father, was the only one who’d help Neal and understand what was going on. Besides, Neal told Peter that Peter was the one he wanted there for anything important. Peter had been in bed with him the first time he felt the baby and he’d held Peter’s hand over their son so Peter could feel him, too. If there were complications, Neal only wanted Peter to come to his rescue.

Peter let Neal go without a kiss goodbye since they were at the bureau. They couldn’t afford to act affectionate and risk someone discovering their relationship and Neal’s pregnancy. Getting caught now would ruin everything and Neal’s so close to giving birth. With how he’s been acting lately, Peter was afraid that Neal would have Dominic prematurely. Neither of them knew how all of this was going to happen, but he wanted to make sure neither of them were in prison when Neal finally went into labor. He promised Neal that he’d be there when their son was born and he didn’t want to break that promise to his lover.

A few hours went by and Peter was extremely bored and anxious. He hadn’t heard from Neal in a while and he was worried that something may happen to him that would prevent him from getting a message out. “Please be okay,” Peter whispered to himself as he thought about Neal and their son. He threaded his fingers together and pressed his forehead against them, sighing heavily. He could hardly concentrate when he and Neal weren’t together because he never knew if Neal would find himself in some dire situation or if Neal would go into early labor.

He wanted to be there in case something happens to Neal.

•◊•

Neal wandered up to his apartment after El dropped him off. She had an appointment with Mozzie, so Mozzie was waiting when she’d arrived. They exchanged quick words with each other and then Mozzie and El were on their way. He would’ve liked either of them to join him in his apartment, but he completely understood. He and Peter had appointments together often. El’s pregnancy wasn’t unique like Neal’s, but he still understood. It was an incredibly intimate part of parenthood prior to the baby being born—in his opinion. It felt better when Peter was with him rather than when he’d been going in alone.

Rubbing his belly, he headed towards the last stairway. A very sudden and sharp pain made him gasp and keel over. He barely had time to grab at the railing. His eyes were wide and he was beyond surprised, not having expected it. He lowered himself to the floor and fumbled for his phone, dialing Peter’s number as soon as he’d managed to unlock his phone. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to keep the pain to a minimum even though he had absolutely no control over it whatsoever. “ _Hi, this is Peter Burke._ ”

“Peter, I—”

“ _I’m unavailable at the moment, so please leave a message after the beep._ ”

Neal’s heart sank as he realized he went straight to voicemail. Frantically, he said, “Peter, it’s me. I…” He grunted in pain and gasped quietly. “I don’t know what’s going on right now, but I need you. It-It’s Dominic. Please call me back as soon as possible. _Please._ ”

Upon hanging up, he went to dial Maya, his obstetrician, but he ended up dropping his phone. “You must have absolutely no pain threshold whatsoever, Caffrey.” Neal gasped as he looked up to find none other than Matthew Keller. He was surprised when Keller leaned forward and extended his hand towards him. Tentatively, he took Keller’s hand and Keller helped him up. “It’s probably just the kid kicking you.”

Things began to click in Neal’s mind just as his son was calming down inside of him. He figured Keller must’ve been right, but he’d still call Maya to ask her why he was in such awful pain. “What kid?” he asked quietly, trying to pretend like Keller was wrong.

“Caffrey, Caffrey, Caffrey…” he tsked. “You must realize now that I’m the one who sent you that letter. I took that picture of you and your G-man.” Neal wasn’t entirely surprised. He’d kind of figured at this point that Keller was responsible for that anxiety. “You and your little munchkin fell onto my radar by mistake. I was spying on your FBI buddy and realized he came by to see you.” He shrugged as though all of this were okay. “Naturally, I just had to watch the show. You think you’re so safe in your own home, but you have no idea just how wrong you are.”

Neal kept his hand on his stomach as he whispered, “What do you want?”

Smirking, Keller seemed very satisfied that Neal was cutting right to the chase. Neal never liked that look and he certainly didn’t feel like anything good would come of it. “You love your FBI buddy, don’t you?” Neal didn’t answer that, but his silence gave it away. “If you don’t want him to lose his job, you’ll do me a few favors. Hm. I suppose you could do it because you also don’t want to lose him. Whatever motivates you, Caffrey.” Neal raised an eyebrow, wondering what Keller could possibly want from him. “I want you to break into the Federal Reserve and ‘borrow’ some of their precious jeweled pieces of evidence.”

“And how exactly would you like me to do that? I’m almost eight months pregnant, Keller. I can’t exactly move around as much as I used to.” Keller looked amused and that pissed Neal off for no apparent reason. “I can’t go breaking into places, Keller. If you’d like to carry my child for the last month and a half, by all means, go for it, but I can’t pull off massive capers such as this until well after I give birth.”

Keller tsked again and Neal’s anger flared. “You’re creative. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

Neal managed to get into his apartment and he immediately went to sit down at the dining room table. Keller followed him, watching him intently. “Keller, you may not understand the concept of what happens during pregnancy. I am not only responsible for my life. I’m responsible for my baby’s life—the baby growing inside of me.” He glared at Keller and growled, “I refuse to go back to prison. I’m going to be set free in a few months.”

“I never said you were going to get caught. I’d take precautions to ensure that you make it in and out.”

“No. Nobody dies. I won’t do this if you kill anyone.”

As Keller was about to respond, the door flew open and Neal’s eyes widened. Peter came in, looking beyond concerned. In moments, his gun was in hand and he was aiming it at Keller. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Having a friendly conversation with your baby momma.” Peter focused on Neal for a moment, making sure he was okay. When he finally knew for certain that Neal wasn’t injured and that their son was all right, he lowered his gun. “We were discussing your job.” Peter’s brows furrowed and he took careful steps closer to Neal, wanting to be right there for him if Keller decided to pull something. He refused to let Keller hurt Neal and their son. “I’m sure he can fill you in. Can’t you, Caffrey?” Neal swallowed hard and Peter’s hand gripped Neal’s left shoulder firmly. “Take care, sweethearts.” He tipped his head at Neal, adding, “And I’ll see you within a week from tomorrow.”

And with that, he was gone. Peter wanted nothing more than to shoot Keller, but he wanted to know what Keller said to Neal. “What did he want? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

Neal exhaled shakily, murmuring, “I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me.”

Peter shifted around and knelt in front of Neal, taking his hands in his. “What’s wrong with Dominic? I got your voicemail.”

“I don’t know. I just… Whatever it was, it hurt a lot.” Peter rubbed Neal’s stomach lovingly, sighing quietly—concernedly. “I’m okay, Peter. He’s okay, too.”

The older man leaned forward to kiss Neal’s abdomen, looking up at him to ask, “What does Keller want, Neal?”

“Money,” Neal muttered. “He wants jewels from the Federal Reserve.” Peter stared at him silently. “I don’t know what he’s expecting. I’m pregnant, Peter. I can’t exactly work my way into heists like I have in the past. I didn’t have another life to worry about then.”

“No heists. I’m not putting you or our son at risk.”

“You’ll lose your job,” Neal whispered sadly.

Peter growled, “I’m not putting you or our son at risk.” Neal tensed, his eyes entirely focused on Peter. “I will ask for some of the jewels, but I need you to come with me and suggest things Keller might want. You know him better than I do.” Neal grimaced. “You aren’t going back to prison, Neal. We’re doing this the legal way.”

Neal didn’t want to fight Peter on this, so he simply nodded his agreement, figuring Peter would figure things out…

•◊•

Things weren’t going well while Peter was on the phone. He was pacing, panicking with a mask, and all Neal could do was watch painfully. He, for once, didn’t know what to do nor did he know what to suggest. Peter was going to try his damnedest to work this all out, but Neal knew it was a long shot. Neal would have to find a way to break in, steal the jewels, and get out all while keeping at the front of his mind that he’s pregnant.

Neal jumped when Peter raised his voice with whoever was on the other end of the line. After several moments, Peter just hung up and tossed his phone onto the bed angrily. “I take it things didn’t go well,” Neal said tentatively.

“Shut up, Neal,” Peter growled. “You’re not planning a heist. I’ll find a way to get this done without putting your lives at risk.” The younger man pushed himself up from the couch and wandered over to Peter, attempting to wrap his arms around his lover. He was surprised as hell when Peter shoved him off. He gave Peter a hurt look that Peter didn’t even catch. He wasn’t paying any attention to Neal at all.

“Peter, there really isn’t another way. If they won’t let you walk in and—”

“I said _shut up!_ ” Before Neal even registered what was happening, Peter punched him and shoved him backwards harder than he had before. Neal was on his back, gasping as he held his hand over his cheekbone. It wasn’t so much the pain of the blow that had him gasping. He was hyperventilating and shifted both hands to his abdomen. “Jesus Christ. All you ever do is let your mouth run. The only time you’re even remotely quiet is when my dick is shoved down your throat.” He didn’t seem to realize what he’d done just yet, but Neal shifted his body only when he felt the baby moving inside of him. “Do you even know what ‘shut up’ means, Caffrey?” Neal got up while Peter was turned away from him and he stared at Peter, both hurt and angry. “Do you—?” He turned around and froze when he saw the look on Neal’s face. “What?” he snarled.

Neal knew what needed to be done now. He told Peter in advance that Peter was done if he ever hit him again—and he’d just done that. “You’re done,” Neal whispered fiercely. Peter looked confused, like he didn’t even know he’d hit Neal. “Pack your things. Go beg Elizabeth to take you back.”

Peter looked both offended and pissed off. “What the hell is your problem?”

“You just _hit_ me!” he yelled. “Not only that, but I fell on the floor because of you. You don’t realize how easily you could hurt your own baby. You’re done. I warned you.”

Neal’s attempt to make Peter leave didn’t seem like it would go over very well with Peter. “I told you I’m not leaving you,” he whispered, his voice hard and low. “You’re carrying my son. I’m not going anywhere.”

The fact that he’d just hit Neal seemed to go in one ear and out the other. “I told you I wasn’t going to let you abuse me anymore. You just hit me. I don’t want you to—”

“Oh, so one hit now constitutes as abuse?”

“One hit has always been abuse. Any kind of hit has—” Peter threw another punch, connecting with Neal’s jaw. Neal stumbled backwards, his eyes wide as he watched Peter seethe. He kept trying to back away and Peter kept following him. “Peter,” he said frantically, his voice full of warning. “Peter, don’t.” But he did. Peter grabbed him and shoved Neal against the kitchen countertop and was attempting to wrap his hands around Neal’s neck. “Peter, stop! Peter, please! _Peter!_ ”

Neal’s breathing was difficult when Peter finally had his hands around Neal’s throat. He tried not to struggle against Peter’s grip, but it only seemed to tighten regardless. “You want abuse? I’ll give you abuse.” Neal shut his eyes tightly, his lips moving in silent gasps. He knew better than to make actual noises while Peter was choking him, but he couldn’t let this continue. Peter would kill him. Not only would Neal be dead, but their son would be, too. Against his better judgment, Neal kneed Peter in the groin, gasping for breath when Peter cried out and moved his hands from Neal’s throat to his own groin. Neal took that opportunity and tried to escape. With or without his belongings, he knew he could run from Peter and find somewhere to hide. As he was going to pull the door open, Peter’s hand was there, shoving the door closed. “You aren’t going anywhere,” he hissed. He still looked like he was in pain, but he was really pissed off now. “You’re going to get your whore ass naked and on that bed and stay still while I fuck you.” Neal stared at him fearfully, his breathing erratic. “ _Now!_

If Neal weren’t afraid of Peter killing him, he wouldn’t have done it. He’d have laughed in Peter’s face and told him to go fuck himself, but he was in no position to fight Peter right now. Not while he’s carrying their son. After Dominic was born and Neal was healed, he would fight back against Peter and finally escape. Even if he had to cut his anklet, he’d do it. He wasn’t going to let Peter hurt them.

He moved into the bedroom with Peter trailing after him and began to strip himself with trembling hands. What was frightening was that Peter wasn’t even drunk. He was just being an asshole. After his clothes were in a pile on the floor, he met Peter’s gaze and whispered, “Please…” “Get on the bed,” Peter said fiercely. “I don’t give a damn what position. I’m fucking you from behind.” Neal breathed shakily as he got onto the bed and laid on his left side with his back to Peter. He sincerely hoped Peter was bluffing—or that Peter would snap out of this. He could hear Peter’s clothes being shed behind him, so he closed his eyes and tried to relax himself, rubbing his stomach while silently promising their baby that he wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

After several silent moments, Neal wondered why Peter wasn’t fucking him yet. Opening his eyes to glance over his shoulder, he saw Peter stroking himself—slicked with lube. If he was already slicked up, then… “Peter, no. No. Peter.” Fear was in his voice, in his eyes.

Peter didn’t stop though. He wrapped his arms around Neal roughly and proceeded to slide into him without preparation—on Neal’s part anyway. Neal cried out as Peter’s thrusts immediately picked up the pace. They’d had sex like this before, but Peter always tried to open Neal up to make things easier at least. What was also different was that Peter was actually minding Neal’s abdomen. He kept his arms around Neal’s chest and threw his leg over the lower part of Neal’s legs. For all intents and purposes, he actually was being kind of careful while still being an asshole. “Shut up, whore,” Peter growled in his ear. Neal tried to remain calm, to remain silent, but the burn inside of him was so intense. Even though Peter was lubed up, Neal was still very uncomfortable. He slapped Neal when Neal made an extremely pained noise.

“It fucking hurts!” he cried, hoping that might put an end to all of this.

He couldn’t have been more wrong. Peter reached forward and grabbed a pillow and Neal only had a split second to gasp before the pillow was covering his face and he couldn’t breathe. He thrashed around, but Peter was stronger than him. He was scared shitless and didn’t know what to do. There was no one he could call for help, no one he could rely on. Peter was smothering him with a pillow—and Neal found irony in that. One of the options his mother considered when Neal was young was ending his life by smothering him with a pillow as well. She’d actually done it once if Neal recalled correctly. He never knew if it actually happened or if it was some horrific nightmare he’d had. Now, having Peter smother him, he knew what his mother did was real as well. This was the second time someone he loved would attempt to end his life this way.

Peter kept fucking him and Neal eventually stopped moving. Peter, having been inattentive prior to that moment, froze. He threw the pillow forward and shook Neal by the shoulder. “Neal. Neal, wake up.” He panicked even though he knew this was his fault. “Jesus. Neal. Honey, wake up. _Please._ ” He put his right hand on Neal’s stomach and he could feel the baby moving slightly. If Neal were dead, he didn’t know what was going to happen to the baby, but he assumed the baby would die, too. His eyes began to water as he shook Neal’s shoulder again. “You need to wake up. God. Please wake up.”

After several moments of going into near hysterics, he touched Neal’s pulse in his neck and felt it. It was weak, but it was there nonetheless. That relieved him beyond words. The fact that he had a pulse meant he was still alive. He buried his face in Neal’s hair and sobbed, knowing he just did some really awful things to Neal.

He pulled out of the younger man and grabbed the blanket, covering Neal’s limp body with it. He didn’t know what to do for Neal nor did he know what Neal was going to do or say when he woke up again. Peter didn’t think he’d be able to stand the look of fear in Neal’s eyes. He’d choked Neal in the past, but never did he come this close to actually killing the man he loves with all of his heart, the man he couldn’t prove his love to because he did things like _this._

Several hours passed before Neal’s eyes fluttered open and his breathing seemed easier. It was dark and he was confused. “What the hell happened?” He didn’t even realize he’d spoken aloud at first and that was when he looked over at the kitchen table and saw Peter hunched over, his head in his hands. Glancing to the side, he saw the pillow, marks he’d made with his teeth because he hadn’t been able to fight Peter off.

Neal was too afraid to do anything. “I’m so sorry,” Peter whispered, sounding like he was in absolute agony. It broke Neal’s heart and hurt more than his face to hear Peter sound that way, to hear him cry. Neal knew he could run, knew Peter wouldn’t stop him. Peter knew what he’d done was wrong in more ways than one. Once again, he’d lost Neal’s trust entirely. “I wanted to make sure you’d wake up,” he said brokenly, “but I’ll leave now if you want me to.”

“I don’t… _want_ you to leave, but…” He swallowed hard, watching Peter’s face lift from out of his hands. “You stay over there. Don’t come near me right now.” Peter nodded, frowning while tears slid down the sides of his face. Neal looked away, instead choosing to focus on his abdomen. He was relieved when he felt their son moving inside of him. He closed his eyes and exhaled heavily. If Peter killed their son, all of this was over. He considered putting in a call to the police to report Peter himself, but he wasn’t so sure he could actually do it. Despite everything Peter’s done to him or will ever do to him, he loves Peter. “Give me some excuses for this, Peter Burke,” he whispered, wanting to understand why Peter had taken his frustrations out on him the way he did. Not only did he hit and frighten Neal, but he, essentially, raped Neal as well. He’d said no and Peter still fucked him anyway.

Peter shook his head. “There are no God damn excuses. I almost killed you.”

“You raped me.” Peter looked pained by that, as if he’d already come to that realization. “You’ve never done that to me before. You’ve never kept going when I said no.” And his ass still hurt. It was a very dull pain, but hurt nonetheless. “What compelled you to push me around and rape me?”

Neal startled when Peter slammed his fist down onto the table. “Stop saying that word.”

“What? _Rape?_ You don’t want me to say _that_ word?” Peter looked angry again and Neal knew he was really pushing it. “You know what you did. You know it was wrong.”

He stood up and threw his chair backwards, lifting his hands to grip his hair as he stalked away from Neal. “I didn’t rape you. Don’t say that. Don’t say that word—not about me.” But Neal, despite loving Peter and loving sex with Peter, felt that it was exactly as he’d said. He hadn’t given his consent. Well, he kind of did when he stripped out of his clothing. But that was beside the point. He said no and Peter didn’t stop. He turned to face Neal and he could see Neal’s fear from across the room. “I will get on my hands and knees and beg you until I can’t breathe to please let me stay with you and the baby,” he whispered.

Neal, swallowing hard once again, said, “What if I don’t want you to stay with me and the baby?”

He knew he was really playing with fire now. Peter hurt him considerably and could have killed him and their baby. That was reason enough for him to be afraid of Peter. “Please,” he pleaded. “I can change. I _will_ change.” Neal shook his head and Peter crossed the apartment at a speed Neal wasn’t comfortable with. He pulled the blanket around himself and set his arms protectively in front of his abdomen. Peter immediately got onto his knees on the bed in front of Neal and looked absolutely awful up close. He looked miserable, apologetic, and afraid. “I will change for you, Neal. I’ll change for you and Dominic. I-I…”

“I’ve heard that before,” Neal whispered, his back pressed against the wall behind him. “I don’t trust you.” He hadn’t even thought about saying that, but it slipped out anyway and he knew he meant it. He doesn’t trust Peter after what he’d just done. “I told you that you’d be out of this if you hurt me and you did more than just hurt me, Peter.”

Peter was getting desperate. Neal could see that Peter didn’t want to be kicked out of this life, but he didn’t know what else to do. Peter hurt him after promising time and time again that he wouldn’t. “I love you,” he said thickly. He moved closer to Neal and rested his right hand on Neal’s abdomen while kissing Neal’s jaw, his cheek, his bruising cheekbone. “Please don’t make me leave,” he pleaded, his hot tears dripping down onto Neal’s skin occasionally. “Please don’t leave me.” Neal was so confused. He didn’t understand how Peter could go from one extreme to the other like this.

Neal couldn’t recall ever seeing Peter this desperate, this needy. He’d been desperate when Elizabeth was kidnapped, but Neal never thought Peter would ever be desperate for him, would ever become a needy man because of him. It was so out in left field for Peter and Neal didn’t know what to do with it. He didn’t know what to do or say that would help the situation. Then again, did he really want to help the situation?

He’d been promising Neal that he loves him, that he loves him and their son, but then he was upset with whoever he’d spoken to on the phone and took it out on him. “I—” Peter’s arms wound around Neal’s body and he cried into the crook of Neal’s neck, begging him repeatedly not to make him leave. Neal knew this was a mistake, letting Peter stay, but he hated seeing Peter this upset. He didn’t like that Peter was in pain even though he knew he went through much worse than Peter ever could or would. He’s pregnant, endured emotional and physical abuse, and had his life threatened repeatedly by the man he loves.

Instead of taking a stand against Peter, he caved in. He knew he shouldn’t have, but he did. He wrapped his arm around Peter and stroked Peter’s hair gently, silently. He wouldn’t say anything. He wasn’t going to forgive Peter so easily for this. Not only had he gone too far, he’d almost jumped right over the edge of far when he suffocated Neal. Neal was aware of the fact that he could be dead, that their son could be dead, and Peter could probably manipulate evidence so he wasn’t responsible. It would be a break-in, a murder, a dead-end kind of case because no one would ever find out that Peter was the one who’d killed him. No one would care enough to keep looking into it. After all, who cares about a convicted felon?

“I promise I’ll change,” Peter whispered, pressing gentle kisses against Neal’s skin. “I promise.”

Neal just held him and stroked his hair without saying another word. He could cave in and let Peter stay, but he wasn’t going to just forgive and forget right away. This pain was too awful to just put behind them. The trust factor between them had been obliterated and Neal didn’t really see any way of repairing it at this point. He’d give Peter another chance because he loves Peter, but this would be his last chance. The next time he fucked up, Neal was running. He’d run and never look back.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter regrets what he's put Neal through and takes time to think about it all.

Two weeks after Peter abused Neal in a very extreme, unforgivable way, Peter finally convinced himself that he needed help. Neal didn’t tell him that he needed help, but Peter knew he was thinking it. Watching Neal dance around him for the last two weeks has been very hard considering he wants to be close to Neal. It hurt, knowing Neal didn’t want him going to appointments with him, didn’t want him to sleep in bed with him. For Neal’s sake, he agreed that he wouldn’t barge in on Neal’s appointments with Maya and he’s taken up sleeping on the uncomfortable couch.

All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around Neal and hold him the way you should hold the person you love. He didn’t want to hurt Neal, to make Neal cry. He didn’t want Neal to accuse him of raping him. A few times in the last two weeks, he’s pushed Neal past the breaking point and Neal screamed at him, accused him of rape, and threatened to leave or to report Peter if he didn’t keep his distance.

He recognized the fear and it brought several questions to his mind. Why does he enjoy hurting Neal? Why does he force Neal into sex? What did Neal do to provoke this kind of behavior? More importantly, he asked himself: Why is Neal still with me?

He didn’t understand why he liked to hurt Neal, but he really wanted to. He wanted help because he knew Neal didn’t deserve to suffer like this. Neal put up with a lot of this shit for far too long and Peter knew he’d lose Neal if he didn’t change. If he kept abusing Neal, Neal was going to leave and take their son with him. He knew Neal well enough to know Neal could hide if he really wanted to. Despite reforming himself as a con artist, Neal could very easily slip into the shadows with their son and leave no trace of either of them for Peter to find.

He had a theory to answer his question about why he forced Neal to have sex with him. He knew he had power issues. Having been given little to no freedom as he was growing up because he was very obedient when it came to his parents, this felt like rebellion. He’s a free man now, a free man living his own life, and he wanted to live the way he wanted. Neal just happened to be caught in the crossfire. Peter doesn’t hate his parents, but he resents them for controlling him until he was twenty-one and about to move out. He didn’t blame them for his behavior because he knew he was acting on his own accord. He didn’t realize how detrimental it was to have started a strictly sexual relationship with Neal. Having been given Neal’s body, he wanted more from Neal—and he certainly took advantage of Neal’s feelings for him.

Neal never, at any point in the last several years, did a damn thing to provoke Peter’s behavior. He realized that now that he had plenty of time to think about it. Neal was barely speaking to him now, so Peter took that time to reassess himself—and their relationship. It didn’t even feel like a relationship and he hated that. Neal is a good man. Peter knows this even though some people look at Neal and only think of him as a con, a criminal. Peter could see Neal as simply ‘Neal.’ He took care of Peter on several occasions, allowed Peter to fuck him brutally prior to the pregnancy, and begged Peter for sex on nearly a daily basis. However, none of that gave Peter the right to hurt Neal. Neal trusted him when he agreed to having sex with him. Neal expected respect, care, and sex that wasn’t brutal enough to be classified as rape. No, Neal never did anything to provoke this. Neal was completely innocent.

Every single time he looked at Neal, he wondered why Neal wanted to keep trying, to keep giving him chances. He was starting to think Neal was either stupid or insane. He knew better though. Neal is a brilliant man, which is why Peter was attracted to him in the first place. Having spent time around Neal for a number of years, he knew Neal wasn’t insane. Some of the things he did were insane, but Neal himself wasn’t insane. Neal had hope in his eyes sometimes. When Peter cooked dinner for him, surprised him with it, he could see something change in Neal. For the last two weeks, Neal has been extremely tense. When he’d walked in to see dinner on the table, he’d actually relaxed a little. Neal wanted to believe there was still some good in Peter because he knew Peter believed there was good in Neal. Neal has proven time and time again that there is good in him. Peter, on the other hand, had ways to go yet before he could prove to Neal that he himself is still a good man after becoming an abuser.

Neal didn’t let him touch his stomach nor did he tell Peter anything he spoke to Maya about or anything he learned from her. Neal was excluding Peter and Peter knew why.

Neal is preparing himself for separation.

Peter knew he was pushing Neal into that frame of mind and he could only blame himself. About two months following Neal giving birth to their son, Neal would be off-anklet. He knew Neal was going to run and, for as much as he wanted to stop Neal, he might actually let him go. Neal and Dominic didn’t deserve this life, this abuse. Even if Peter sought help, went through therapy, there was no telling as to whether or not he’d relapse. Dominic might be crying one night and Peter might kill him. Peter was horrified by the thought, but he’d nearly suffocated Neal with a pillow… Anything was possible and he knew he needed severe help.

Glancing to his left, he watched Neal fidget nervously. He asked Neal to do this with him and Neal—after a great deal of reluctance and extreme hesitation—agreed. “Relax,” Peter whispered while they waited.

“Fuck you,” Neal whispered in response.

Peter sighed. Neal’s been extremely irritable and has been complaining about pain in his back quite a bit. Peter wanted to massage him, but Neal didn’t want his hands anywhere near him. Neal just taught himself to deal with it rather than make Peter think Peter should help. “Do you not want to do this?”

Neal shrugged. “I don’t see what good it’ll do,” he snapped. “I’ve been telling you since before I was pregnant that you needed to fix the problem. You promised me so many times that you’d be different.” He glanced at Peter now and Peter could see the pain in his eyes. “You haven’t changed at all.”

Moments later, they were called back to see the therapist they’d set this up with. Before Neal and Peter entered the hallway, Peter gently tugged on Neal’s shoulder and whispered, “I want you to be completely honest. Don’t lie. She’s probably going to ask if I’ve hurt you and I want you to say yes.” Neal’s brows furrowed and he looked like he was going to be sick. “There won’t be any repercussions—I swear. I want to hear what you have to say, Neal, so please don’t feel like you need to keep quiet because you think I’ll hurt you. We can’t lie to her. I’m not going to lie, so please don’t lie to her either.”

Nodding silently, Neal walked into the room. Peter trailed after him, wishing he could hold Neal’s hand or touch Neal’s stomach. They sat in separate seats rather than on the couch together. Already this wasn’t going well…

“I’m Doctor Victoria Salve.”

“Neal Caffrey,” Neal muttered. “He’s Peter Burke.”

She nodded and watched them both, assessing them individually. “Are you two living together?” Neal nodded silently in response. She watched him, realizing he was the victim. They’d come in the day before because Peter needed to sign paperwork stating that he would not threaten Neal or engage in violence with Neal while they were in sessions together. He was bound by that and Neal was thankful for it. “Neal, you look like you have a large weight on your shoulders.”

He wanted to laugh or cry. He wasn’t sure which urge was stronger. “I do,” he whispered. She began to prod him with questions, having dealt with victims of abuse in the past. Neal was hostile as well as defensive. Despite putting on a strong front, she could see that he was terrified. “The abuse began a couple years ago, several years after we’d gotten together,” he said, keeping his eyes on her. “I’m not sure what started it, but I do remember the first time he hit me.”

“Do you feel comfortable talking about it?”

Neal shrugged. “Why not? Not like it’ll ever be that gentle ever again.” Peter’s shoulders sagged slightly as he watched Neal. “We work together. I’m a criminal in the process of reformation and he’s my, uh, boss.” Now he glanced at Peter, growing visibly nervous. Peter didn’t do or say anything in response. He wanted this to work and the only way that would happen is if he let Neal speak freely, which he _more_ than deserved at this point. Peter knew Neal needed to speak his mind, but he was definitely afraid to do so.

She nodded after several long moments, realizing that Neal wasn’t going to talk about when Peter first hit him, and asked Peter, “Because you’re his boss, do you feel like you’re meant to abuse your power over him?” Peter didn’t know how to answer that. He didn’t _need_ to abuse his power over Neal. He knew Neal deserved better—to be treated as an equal rather than as a subordinate.

“I don’t think I’m meant to,” he finally whispered. “We’ve had a complicated working relationship that I…made even more complicated.” He glanced at Neal and saw the hurt on Neal’s face even though Neal was definitely trying to hide it. Not only did he have bruises on his face, but his eyes were full of pain. “I know I’ve abused my power over him. I’ve seen him cower in fear. I’ve made him cry. I’ve hurt him considerably.”

“Have either of you attempted intentional murder?”

Neal and Peter stared at each other. Salve felt like they were silently discussing something. When Neal looked away, she glanced at Peter. “Yes,” he whispered. “I’ve tried to kill him. I don’t even know why. He does or says something completely innocent and I just… I go for the throat—literally.” He wanted to take Neal’s hand in his, but he wouldn’t obliterate Neal’s minimal sense of safety. “I don’t know why I do these things to him. I-I… I love him, but I hurt him a lot.” Peter heard Neal scoff beside him and that made his heart twist. “I know I don’t show it, but I do love you, Neal.”

“Bullshit,” Neal whispered.

Under different circumstances, Neal’s remark might have made Peter want to strangle Neal, but he needed to shove that urge down. Hurting Neal was out of the question. “Peter, when you were younger did you have abusive influences in your life? Your mother and your father? One of your parents and you? Some other family member and another party?”

Peter thought about that and tried to remember anything that might’ve been considered abuse. His parents never hurt each other and they hadn’t abused him. “My grandfather,” Peter whispered, eyes wide. He’d completely blocked out the memory until now. “He used to hurt my grandmother. And he abused me. Twice.” Neal’s hardened glare softened as he watched the shock spread across Peter’s face. “He hit me.” Glancing at Neal, he solemnly said, “And choked me.”

Salve nodded again. “I’m not making excuses for your behavior, but this may have been a learned behavior because of what your grandfather did to you.” Peter turned to look at her again, wanting to understand this. “How old were you, Peter?”

“Twelve,” he whispered.

He was nearly forty-two years old now—a thirty year difference. Before coming in for help, he’d gone thirty years without telling anyone about the abuse. “You felt powerless because of what he’d done to you. He probably put on a show while around the rest of your family, proclaiming his love for you aloud before he began the abuse.” Peter looked like he was in agony. He didn’t think that gave him the right to hurt Neal. It explained some things, but some things were still left unanswered. “You may be projecting your feelings of fear, of betrayal, on Neal to make him feel the same way your grandfather made you feel.”

Peter brokenly whispered, “But Neal never did anything wrong.”

“Neither did you when you were twelve.”

That put a lot of things into perspective for Peter and he felt so apologetic. If he’d gotten help for himself sooner, if he’d told his parents about what had been done to him, he may not have begun abusing his lover. “Why am I taking this out on Neal? He’s completely innocent and all he’s ever done is give me chance after chance because he loves me for reasons I can’t even fathom.”

“You loved your grandfather. Neal, if I’m looking at this correctly, loves you.” Her eyes shifted over to Neal and she saw his frown as he nodded. “Someone you loved hurt you and now _you_ are the one hurting someone else.” Peter stared at the floor in horror. He didn’t realize that was possibly the reason he’s taken a liking to hurting Neal. With their baby on the way, he knew things needed to change or he’d lose them both.

He didn’t want to lose Neal and he hasn’t even had the opportunity to spend time with their son. The thought alone made him sob into his hands. He felt absolutely awful. He felt like he could have done something to prevent lashing out like this. Neal didn’t deserve any of this and he knew that. Neal didn’t have to tell him that he was fucking everything up. Not only did he wreck his marriage by initiating an affair with Neal, but he was ruining his relationship with Neal and their son because he became an abuser.

Peter desperately wanted to change. Neal deserved a man who treated him right—a man who could help him raise their son. Peter wanted to be that man, but he knew he needed to fix things before he could regain even an ounce of Neal’s trust again. “I’m so sorry,” he said miserably, his voice muffled in his hands.

Neal watched Peter cry and he felt pretty bad. He wasn’t expecting this when Peter asked him to go to couples therapy. He thought it was a front Peter was putting on so Neal would think Peter wanted to change when he really didn’t. Watching Peter now, he felt like this was real. Peter was honest and spoke about something even Neal hadn’t known prior to this. He wondered if maybe he’d mentioned it to Elizabeth. Then again, for it to bother him thirty years later that must mean he’s kept it to himself all this time.

Despite his better judgment—a going theme these days—Neal stood up and moved towards Peter, wrapping his arms around Peter’s shoulders. Peter rested his head on Neal’s chest and lowered his hands. His eyes were closed, but Neal could see how much emotional pain Peter was in. “It’s okay,” Neal whispered. “Relax. You’re okay now.”

Peter shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. After everything I’ve put you through…”

“Peter, admitting that there’s a problem is one step in the right direction,” Salve said. “You’ve admitted to your issue as well as what you’ve done.” She glanced at Neal and could see how much he cared about the man who abused him. She was aware that Neal’s pregnant. He’d spoken to her privately about it just so she knew in case that became a critical part in their conversations. She’d seen so many strange things while working this job. Finding a man who was expecting had to be at the top of that list, but she welcomed Neal and Peter either way. They had issues they wanted to resolve and she was willing to help guide them through things.

Neal kissed Peter’s hair, rubbing the back of Peter’s neck gently. “You’re going to be okay,” Neal promised, his voice very quiet. “I…will help you through this, Peter.” Peter shook his head, silently protesting. He didn’t think Neal should feel obligated to help him through his own issues while he’s pregnant. Hell, he didn’t think Neal should have to help him even if he weren’t pregnant. “I love you, Peter. Despite everything, I do love you. I want to help you, but you need to let me help.”

Salve thought this was good. She wasn’t used to the abuser being so straightforward with her about what they’d done to their partner. Seeing Peter this emotional, this apologetic, she knew he wanted to correct his behavior. “I love you,” Peter said solemnly. “I wish I deserved you. I’m such a bastard.” He wrapped his arms around Neal’s torso loosely and sighed shakily. “I love you so much.” Sometimes, Neal highly doubted that. He wondered if Peter even knew what love was. But he could see his Peter in moments like this. The man he’d fallen for was exactly who he was looking at right now.

That Peter wasn’t abusive, wasn’t intent on causing problems. That Peter was kind, sweet, and had a heart of gold. He’d taken Neal’s virginity in a sense and he’d taken care of Neal the way one should take care of their partner. He’d been respectful, gentle, and said endearing things. For a while, things were wonderful. Neal could look forward to having sex with Peter because it seemed so much like making love.

Now, he didn’t remember how it felt to have Peter make love to him.

•◊•

Peter stroked Neal’s hair until Neal was asleep. After what they’d discussed during their couples therapy, Neal said he’d be okay if Peter wanted to share the bed again. Peter promised that he wouldn’t make any sexual advances on Neal at any point and Neal tried to give Peter the benefit of the doubt. Peter seemed like he wanted to make things better and he was abiding by Neal’s current rules and restrictions, but who’s to say Peter wouldn’t get pissed off at someone else and abuse Neal again?

“I wish you weren’t so tense,” Peter whispered, sighing quietly. Even while Neal slept, he was tense. Peter knew it was a reaction he definitely deserved. If he were Neal, he’d be afraid, too. “I owe you so much. I owe you the love you deserve.” He rubbed Neal’s cheek gently, making sure he didn’t touch the bruise on Neal’s face. The bruise on his cheekbone was still visible, but the one on his jaw was faded. Marks on his neck were still there, but they were easily hidden by Neal’s clothing. He’s gone to work and lied when someone asked about his cheekbone. “You’re carrying my son. You’ve stayed with me even though you could have run out on me multiple times—or kicked me out of your home. You’ve put up with the abuse I’ve made you endure.” He’d asked Neal about his insides because Peter knew he’d pounded into Neal that night. Neal never gave him a straight answer. He’d just stare and look lost and pained. “You’ve given me so much and I know I don’t deserve any of it.”

“Shut up and go to sleep,” Neal whispered, startling Peter. He wasn’t angry or bitter. He sounded sleepy if anything. A few moments later, Neal moaned and Peter’s brows furrowed. It wasn’t a moan of arousal. It sounded like pain.

“What’s wrong?” he asked frantically.

Neal opened his eyes and stared up at Peter. “Dominic is kicking me.” Peter’s eyes shifted to focus on Neal’s abdomen and several moments of silence passed between them before Neal said, “If you want to feel him, go ahead.” He tentatively touched Neal’s stomach and felt kicks that seemed a little rougher than they had before.

The younger man laid still as he kept his eyes on Peter’s face. “How does it feel?” he asked curiously.

“Like there’s a little battle going on inside of me.”

Peter chuckled, gently rubbing Neal’s stomach. “I… Neal, thank you.” Neal’s brows furrowed in confusion, so Peter elaborated. “After everything I’ve done to you, you’re still willing to see this through. I know it’s pretty late into your pregnancy to consider abortion, but you’ve never once said that you wanted to abort our son.”

Neal gave him a small smile. “Because, despite what you think, I’ve always liked the idea of being a dad. Being a conman was fun while it lasted. Being a dad… That’s a lifetime thing—something you’re lucky to experience especially if you’re with the…” He trailed off, frowning moments later, concerning Peter. “…the right person,” he whispered. He wasn’t looking at Peter and that made Peter’s heart ache, but he knew he deserved Neal’s doubts. The physical, sexual, and verbal abuse did considerable damage to Neal. He could look back at his time with Neal over the years and pick out each and every thing he did or said that hurt Neal in some way.

When the abuse began, it’d been the first night Neal made a comment about how Elizabeth was allowed to spend more time with him. He’d snapped at Neal then, growling, “She’s my wife. You’re second best. I owe you nothing.” He didn’t think he’d meant it and he said that to Neal, but maybe—to an extent—he had meant it. He couldn’t explain things and he wasn’t going to make up excuses for everything he’s done. Excuses weren’t going to make things better between them. Neal, being the former conman that he is, would probably pick up Peter’s stories on his Bullshit Meter.

“Peter?” Neal whispered.

The older man absolutely loathed the fear he heard in Neal’s voice as well as the shift he made when Peter seemed to have zoned out a bit. He was nervous, afraid. “Yeah?” Peter asked quietly. Neal’s brows furrowed once again and Peter knew what was on his mind. “Neal, why are you still with me? Tell me honestly—and don’t say it has to do with our son. You’ve been with me through all of the hell I put you through before he was even conceived.”

“I… I wanted to find the man I love again—the man who loves me.” He felt strange saying that, like he didn’t believe that part of Peter might actually love him. “I know you’re better than all of this. We’ll have our moments when things are really shitty, but we can overcome them. We’ve overcome other things before.”

“We never had to overcome things like this. I’m afraid because I don’t know how to stop myself. I don’t even know why I do the things I do. I just… I look at you sometimes and… I think…” The pain in Neal’s eyes was back, but he remained silent, hoping Peter would continue speaking, finishing his thought. “You’re so damn innocent, so… I don’t even know, Neal. You’re just everything I want and everything I don’t deserve. You’re too perfect sometimes.”

Neal laughed solemnly. “Perfect? Have you not seen what I have beneath my t-shirt?”

“Those stretch marks are nothing,” he whispered. And he really didn’t think they were all that major. Hell, they were hardly visible. Neal hadn’t stretched a whole hell of a lot, so he didn’t have anything to worry about. Even if he had prominent stretch marks, Peter would never criticize him for that. Neal having his child was something Peter never even considered. Watching Neal carry their son for the last eight months—technically six since he wasn’t knowledgeable about the pregnancy at first… It’s almost magical in some ways when Peter truly appreciates what Neal’s done for him.

Neal has covered for Peter’s ass in the bureau a few times when Peter’s temper went off the scale. He tried to mediate their problems sometimes and Peter still managed to cause him pain. He was truly afraid of what he’d done to Neal. Had he unknowingly hurt their son when he hurt Neal? Neal didn’t say anything or complain about pain any more than usual, but Peter didn’t know how badly he’d damaged the only two people he could call his family. His parents weren’t around all that much and Elizabeth isn’t his wife anymore. Legally, she’s still his wife, but they haven’t lived together in quite some time.

Dominic and Neal were the only two people Peter had in his life that would be _his_ family. Whether or not he married Neal down the road, he didn’t know what to expect, but Dominic would always be their son. No matter what, Peter had that connection to Neal and he loved the idea of sharing his life with Neal, of raising their son with Neal.

If he wanted to live that life with Neal and Dominic, he knew damn well that he was going to have to prove to Neal that he’s trustworthy, that he’s willing to change, that he’s able to make good on his promises to give Neal what Neal deserves. “What about my bruises?” Neal whispered, his eyes locked onto Peter’s. He had a few bruises and other marks scattered across his body because of Peter, but his cheekbone was the only area that visibly showed bruising. There was a bruise on his lower back that came out of Peter shoving him against the counter and it made him wonder if that contributed to Neal’s back problems in general.

“Those aren’t your fault,” Peter whispered. “I inflicted pain upon you that you’ve never deserved or ever will deserve in life, Neal.” Neal remained silent and Peter could see the sadness in his eyes as well as his entire expression. “Do you feel like you deserved this?” Peter asked incredulously. When Neal shrank into himself a bit, Peter gaped at him. “No matter what, you have not deserved this. No one deserves to be beaten, pushed around, or terrified by the thought that they’re going to be murdered. You may have infuriated me at work in the past, but that never warranted any of what I did to you. None of it. Do you understand me, Neal? You didn’t deserve this.”

Neal wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to believe that. If he didn’t deserve it, then why did Peter hurt him in the first place? Obviously Peter felt like Neal needed to be punished time and time again. He understood what Doctor Salve told them earlier after Peter revealed that his grandfather had abused him, but he still felt like he’d done something to deserve the abuse. After all, he never once abused Elizabeth.

•◊•

Peter and Neal met up at what used to be the Burke household. Elizabeth asked them to come over, so Peter brought them over. They were talking about what to do for dinner when Elizabeth called Peter and made their plans for them.

Upon entering, Peter immediately focused on Mozzie—the man who’d gotten his wife pregnant, the man whose child Elizabeth was planning on having and raising. There was still a part of Peter that was jealous and angry because Mozzie gave Elizabeth what Elizabeth wanted. Mozzie is good at keeping himself out of trouble for the most part. His ‘job’ never put his life in jeopardy the way Peter’s job did.

Neal could see the hostility in Peter’s eyes and he chose not to comment on it. Not only were they seeking couples therapy to resolve their issues with abuse, but they were attempting to fix problems with their relationship in general. Watching Peter glare at Mozzie made Neal feel inadequate. If Peter still cared about the fact that Mozzie knocked up El, then Peter obviously didn’t care about what he had with Neal.

Shoving past Peter, Neal went to speak to Mozzie because he hasn’t had the opportunity to do so in a while. Being with Peter almost twenty-four seven made it difficult because he knew there was still tension between the two of them. Well, Peter was the only one who was tense because of their relationships. Mozzie though… He knew to an extent that Peter abused Neal, but he didn’t realize it continued even while Neal was pregnant.

The second Mozzie laid eyes on Neal’s face, he knew, and Neal could see that.

Peter watched Neal and Mozzie go out onto the patio, leaving him and Elizabeth inside together. He joined her in the kitchen and occasionally glanced towards the door, wishing he knew what Neal and Mozzie were talking about. He hoped Neal wasn’t going to talk to Mozzie about the abuse. He’s trying to fix what he did even if it’s a long shot. “Peter?” His attention went directly to Elizabeth. “Hon, are you…? Are you jealous of Mozzie?” Peter didn’t answer because he didn’t know. He was upset that Elizabeth aborted two of his children only to have one of Mozzie’s, but he knew it shouldn’t matter now because he has Neal and Neal’s carrying his child. “Peter Burke, you can’t do this. Being jealous of the situation Mozzie and I have will only serve to hurt you the more thought you give to it. But not only are you hurting yourself.” His brows furrowed in confusion, wondering what she was getting at. “You’re going to hut Neal. Why do you think he and Mozzie went out together so fast?”

“What’re you saying?” he whispered.

She’d had a brief moment to look at Neal and she saw the dejection, the feelings of unworthiness. “Do you love Neal or are you with him because he’s all you have right now?” Peter stared at her as if she’d grown a second head. “Neal is having your baby, Peter. Regardless of how strange that may seem, he’s carrying your son. You should be happier with _him,_ satisfied by _him._ ”

“Are you implying that I don’t love him?”

“I’m just saying that you need to let go of this jealousy, this dissonance, between you and Mozzie. Neither you nor I can stop Mozzie and Neal from being friends. You and I can still be friends, but I’m not so sure that you’re into the idea of simply being ‘friends.’”

Peter shook his head. “That’s ridiculous. I’m not jealous of Mozzie. I could care less if you’re having his kid.”

In a whisper, she asked, “Do you care that Neal is having your baby?”

“Of course I—”

“I don’t think he thinks that,” she interjected. “Coming in here with that tension in your shoulders as soon as you look at Mozzie… That sends the wrong message, Peter, and you sent it directly to Neal’s heart.” Peter frowned, understanding to a point what she was saying. He didn’t realize how jealous he was of Elizabeth and Mozzie even though he himself has a boyfriend who’s going to have his son. “Be grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you’ve lost. You have Neal and you’re going to have a son together. If you linger on what you’ve lost with me and what I’ve gained with Mozzie, you’re going to lose Neal because he’ll be under the impression that you don’t care about or love them.”

Peter realized that he’s fucked up so much. In recent months, he was furious with Mozzie for being with Elizabeth even though he himself was having an affair with Neal simultaneously that resulted in pregnancy as well. Elizabeth and Mozzie are happy together. They’ve come together physically as well as emotionally—bonding over their love for one another as well as their love of the child they’re having.

Abuse wasn’t the only thing that would make Neal leave him. Feeling unloved, unwanted, would certainly drive Neal away. He felt awful for hurting Neal physically, but he didn’t realize he was hurting Neal this way. He really had no reason to be jealous of Elizabeth and Mozzie. He has Neal all to himself without feeling guilty about it now that he isn’t going behind his wife’s back, but he has Neal and their baby, too.

Without giving her an answer, he walked away and went out on the patio to find Neal crying beside Mozzie. He looked up, startled to see Peter. He tried frantically wiping his face off and Peter didn’t care. He went directly to Neal, knowing now that he was causing Neal so much pain, and dropped to his knees, hugging Neal as tightly as he could without hurting him or the baby. “I love you,” he whispered. “You and Dominic are everything to me.” He was going to change like he’d promised Neal. The abuse needed to end no matter what happened between them, but he also needed to let go of his feelings for Elizabeth. Holding on to what he had with Elizabeth would destroy everything he has with Neal. Neal could easily walk away after being abused, but he stayed. Peter owed him more respect and Neal certainly deserved faithfulness on Peter’s part.

Kissing Neal’s throat gently, he knew he needed to be the man he’d been while he was with Elizabeth. He didn’t treat her the way he treats Neal. Neal deserved better and Peter wants to give him so much better.


End file.
